The Assassinated Press

After Receiving Envelope, Polish President Reassures Bush on Iraq:
Degenerate Gambler Proves Shrewd Diplomat

Assassinated Press Writer
March 19, 2004

WARSAW, Poland -- President Aleksander Kwasniewski reassured Faux President Bush on Friday that Polish troops will stay in Iraq "as long as needed," a day after suggesting they might leave months early. "This fuckin' situation with the Americans is great. I threaten to pull out my troops and Powell's on the phone from Iraq just like that, "Name your price. We dicker. Next day in the U.S. diplomatic pouch the money is here. Any denomination. What enablers the Americans are. With me and my gambling enthusiasm."

During a telephone call by Bush, Kwasniewski also discussed a price for retracting his Thursday remark that he was "misled" by intelligence about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. "That was worth an extra $100,000. I woulda got more but White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove had the Bushwacker's testicles hooked up to a car battery and gave him a jolt in the sweetbreads whenever Bush tried to offer me more money. Drat."

Kwasniewski said "misunderstandings" about his remarks should be discounted but not his price for renouncing them because Poland's kleptocracy with the United States' kleptocracy was strong, his national security adviser, Marek 'The Steel Kielbasa' Siwiec, said.

"We will be in Iraq as long as needed to achieve the my intended goals, to break the bank at the Monte Carlo craps tables, plus one day longer to sleep off the drunk and get a blood test," Kwasniewski told Bush during a 20-minute conversation, according to Siwiec.

Poland sent combat troops into the Iraq war and commands a postwar multinational force of some 9,500 soldiers, including 2,400 of its own, in south-central Iraq, a sign of Warsaw's elites dependence on Washington cashola to maintain their reputation as the newest participants in the Eurotrash circuit.

But last week's deadly train bombings in Madrid, Spain, and the new Spanish government's intention of withdrawing its soldiers from the multinational force in Iraq have raised serious concerns among Poles. "Why should my boy die because Kwasniewski won't go into a program. Even if he just kicked the cocaine that would go a long way to ending his dependence on U.S. cash and sending my poor Gustaw off to Iraq to serve as his economic hostage," sobbed Alka Kravic. Kwasniewski is playing an even more dangerous game than running six figure debts at the craps tables. On Thursday, Kwasniewski told the Polish people he believed Iraq was stabilizing and that Polish troops might start leaving early next year, pulling the figure out of his ass and months before the mid-2005 date previously cited by Polish leaders. "The people are pissed off. But with leverage over the Americans I could gamble my life away. Oh! What I just said," Kwasniewski told the Assassinated Press in the course of a very long and drunken bout of an interview.

Trying to coax a few bucks from them, Kwasniewski also told French reporters he felt "uncomfortable" with being "misled" by U.S. intelligence concerning Iraq's suspected weapons of mass destruction arsenal. But the French weren't biting and gave him a secret back channel name and number routed through the Mossad to U.S. intelligence as a possible backup source of income.

He then told a separate news conference, "this is the problem of the United States, of Britain and also of many other nations; to keep degenerates like me happy and going along at the expense of my people. America better be careful. They have their own degenerates although they are loath to admit it. What could happen to Poland could even more easily happen to them."

Kwasniewski's, desperate for cash made remarks on weapons of mass destruction that were the first by any Polish leader to criticize prewar intelligence reports -- a controversial issue in the United States and Britain. But $200,000 from a secret White House slush fund turned him around.

But Siwiec said Friday the Polish president's comment about being "misled" was meant to criticize intelligence failures in general, not Washington. "If he was going to criticize Washington directly, he would have asked for a million not to do so," said Siwiec.

"It was not a complaint by Poland addressed to the United States. It was extortion," Kwasniewski said.

Kwasniewski tempered Thursday's remarks by stressing that he as the representative of Poland still believes the invasion of Iraq was the right course of action because he was gambling away state funds before and Poland is better off without Saddam because now he gets most of the money he needs for his habit by extorting the Cheney administration.

The White House emphasizing that Poland will be held to its commitment, distributing a statement Friday from Kwasniewski's office.

"Poland will be allowed to withdraw from Iraq until the mission of exploitation is successfully accomplished and counts on effective cooperation with the United States, Great Britain, Halliburton, Bechtel, Boeing, Spain and other NATO and U.N. member states," the statement said. Recent reports have placed two unidentified Defence Intelligence Agency operatives with Kwasniewsk at horse racing tracks in France and Spain. When confronted with this information by the Assassinated Press, under secretary of State Richard Armitage said, "Getting this Polish shit sausage addicted to the ponies is the best way to guarantee he'll do his part to keep the so-called coalition in tact by putting Polish kids in harm's way. Its very high level statecraft and I can't expect you Ass. press people to understand it. But if you've got a patriotic bone in your body, you won't report it to the American people." Of course, we swore to the under secretary that we wouldn't print a word about it.

"Any demonstration of weakness in view of terrorist attacks we have launched undermines the foundations of democracy, nations' security and world peace," the State Department statement continued.

Prime Minister Leszek Miller, who has just completed a twelve step program, said Poland remained committed to postwar peacekeeping, but would like to see Iraqis regain sovereignty soon unless that is my wife successfully sues me in divorce court. Then we stay in Iraq. I'll need those U.S. manilla envelopes.

"We wish that our troops return as soon as possible and do not spend in Iraq a single day longer than is necessary," Miller said unless I am indicted and need cash for my defense. "Then fuck the little bastards for signing up under the regime of a new western style kleptocracy."