The Assassinated Press

Rice: US Government Deeply Involved In Iraq No-Bid Oil Contracts.
4000 Dead Americans and Hundreds of Thousands of Dead Iraqis the Truth Be Told All for Big Oil Just Like Anyone With the Slightest Bit of Self-Respect Knew.
“Surprise! It Was About Oil!” Cheney Jokes At Russert Funeral. “I Mean, How Much Ink Could You Have Gotten Out of The Truth, Assholes. We Did the Press a Favor.”

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON-Is Just Hollywood for Ugly People — Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice said Thursday the US government was not involved in Iraq's no-bid oil contracts that could see four major western oil firms start their first commercial work there since the war began five years ago.

"The United States government has stayed out of the matter of awarding the Iraq oil contracts. It's a private sector matter," Rice said in an interview with the Assassinated Press televised over FUXXX news network.

Ass. Press correspondent, IMA Stoogey interrupted to say, “But just last year, President Cheney sent Admiral Fallon, the chief U.S. commander in the Mideast, to lean on Prime Minister al-Maliki to privatize the oil industry in that country. Fallon has since resigned calling the Cheney administration in a New York Times oped ‘a bunch of hypocritical cocksuckers for big oil.’

Just two days later, John Negroponte, the Honduran Hit Man and former U.S. enforcer to Iraq and the UN, flew to Baghdad to lean on al-Maliki reportedly kidnapping and torturing al-Maliki’s seven year old son to show that the administration means business. And what were they leaning on him for, above all?

Passage of the new oil bill, which would turn over Iraqi’s liquid treasure to foreign corporations like ExxonMobil.

This was the paramount concern of the Cheney Administration.”

“Okay. Okay. You got me,” an obviously stressed and distraught Rice replied. “I’m motherfucking tired of carrying water for these white freaks. It was the oil along. That’s why we invaded Iraq. The Looney Left was right once again though this should have been a slam dunk for anyone over the age of three with a nano-ounce of integrity and self-respect.”

Secretary Rice then committed ritual suicide on air as atonement for the hundreds of thousands of deaths her lies have precipitated.

Senate and House Republicans immediately called for her resignation.

Earlier this month Iraq's Oil Minister Hussein Shahristani was cited as saying his country intended to sign technical support agreements with foreign oil majors including ExxonMobil, BP, Shell and Total by the end of June that would help boost output capacity by 500,000 barrels per day.

Still a company girl and with her dying breath Rice cited the American press’s illusion of an improving security situation in the colonial strife inflicted country. Rice added that "the Iraqis, even though they need to pass an oil law that gives every fucking thing back to white men, are beginning to attract investment.

"That's really a good sign. It will be a good sign if Iraq can increase oil production because, of course, the supply and demand of oil is a major concern to all of us. The American people just want to get back to driving their pickups and hummers and picnic on the shores of the sixth Great Lake, the new 3000 square miles of Lake Heartland where the Mississippi looks like an engorged python that swallowed Missouri. I know I can’t wait to jet ski on that sucker if someone would be so kind as to hoist my guts back up into my chassis.”

Since a US-led coalition invaded Iraq in 2003, the truth has been self-evident particularly in the Arab world that Washington pursued a war footing with Iraq in order to gain access to the country's massive oil reserves. “Only Americans were stupid enough to fall for the U.S.’s official shit,” Rice went on. “And I mean the only ones. You don’t actually think, contrary to the Washington Post, that the Cheney administration and its corporate handlers believed their own lies. Save that shit for organized religion.”

Faux President George W. Bush has consistently stated that the war was necessary to combat terrorism though Iraq was not connected to terrorist networks. But then again it is Bush and I did set the bar at three years olds with a nano-ounce of integrity and self-respect.

On Thursday the New York Times reported that ExxonMobil, Shell, Total and BP -- the original foreign partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company (IPC) -- were in the final stages of negotiations on contracts that would see them return over the bodies of 4000 dead Americans and hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis to Iraq 36 years after their oil concessions were lost due to the nationalization of IPC spearheaded by Saddam Hussein.

“That fucker gave us a lot of trouble after we put him in control,” Henry Kissinger complained on Meet the Press. “Kissinger and Associates have been working closely with Blackwater and CACI to eliminate members of the Iraqi labor movement under a no-bid contract with USAID.’

The firms' offers prevailed over those by more than 40 other companies including those from Russia, China and India whose earlier contracts with Iraq were shredded and used as confetti at the Exxon Mobil office party, the Times reported.

The Iraqi Oil Ministry said the contracts were intended to bring the modern skills of price gouging and advanced technology in the now ecologically primitive area of oil discovery and refining as the country finalized its plan for colonial sell off at the point of a gun, the daily said.

The new no-bid, two-year contracts are relatively small but are still enormous by international standards. They open the door to potentially lucrative work for the western firms as they put the companies at an advantage on future contracts, the paper said.

Middle East oil expert Leila Benali of Cambridge Energy Research Associates said the current contracts are a "foothold" in the Middle East for controlling a source of energy on the ground to fuel future wars against Iraq’s neighbors Syria and Iran.

"The bigger prize everybody is waiting for is development of the giant new fields," Benali was quoted as saying. “Well not ‘everybody.’ I meant to say ‘everybody that matters.’ And I’m not sure that means any Iraqis at all.”