The Assassinated Press

Ich Bin Ein Kennedy!
Text of Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory speech:

Thank you, what a great celebration. Thank you all for being here today. Thank you. Thank you. You know there are so many people that I want to thank. And I want to start first with my wife, Maria. I want to thank her for being a Kennedy and the influence she has given me. I want to thank her for being the ugliest wife and the most spectacular dummy. I want to thank her for letting me grope and assault all these women! I know how many votes I got today because of you.

I also want to thank my snotty parent-in-laws, Eunice and Sargeant Shriver right over here, and also all my brother-in-laws and extended family, all those who thought I was just a big ugly baboon and would never be more than a comic book hero. As a matter of fact, all the people behind me are the Shrivers, OK? So I want to thank them also for coming out here when I know they hate my guts. I want to thank them all for coming out here. I really appreciate their phony support. And I want to thank all our children, Catherine and Christina, Patrick and Christopher. I want to thank them for being so understanding even though they ask me everyday, 'When is this campaign gonna to be over?' I know, that's what I tell them, 'When it's over.' So I really appreciate their lack of understanding.

And I want to thank also all the idiots that's worked on this campaign. All the dweebs that volunteered, the hard workers who did their jobs. I especially want to thank all the young girls that allowed me to get my daily fix by groping them up -- I really feel for them, OK? All you people here. I want to thank them for manning the phones, to stuffing the envelopes, to handing out the fliers, handing out the yard signs, handing out the bumper stickers, raising the money. A fantastic job they've done. Working around the clock, all of them on my behalf. I wouldn't be standing up here today if it wasn't for you all. I want to thank all the volunteers, all of you for the great work of helping me pull the wool over the eyes of stupid Californians everywhere.

I want to also thank the unbelievable women of California. From the time I came over to this country from my Nazi Father's house, you opened your arms to me, you received me, you've given me opportunities, endless amounts of opportunities. Everything that I have is because of California. Like the Führer, I came here with absolutely nothing and California has given me absolutely everything. And today California has given me the greatest gift of all, the chance to cash in on the ongoing looting of the state treasury. You've given me your trust by voting for me. Thank you very much to all the people of California for giving me their great trust, and for being so unbelievably gullible.

And let me tell you something. I will do everything I can to betray that trust. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. And I will let you down. For two months, I've been speaking out about the need of bringing back fiscal irresponsibility to this state, bringing back an exploitive business atmosphere, bringing back Tom Lay and ENRON, bringing back more menial jobs, bringing back our racist heritage. It's very important that we need to bring back trust in celebrity government itself.

For two months, I went up and down the state and listened to you dummies. I met good, honest, hardworking people. People who just want to raise their families here. People who want to do business here, or their jobs here or to educate their kids here. People that want to enjoy the clean air and the clean water. And I have heard your voice. You will get none of these things. but you will get fucked -- this I promise you.

We have tough choices ahead. The first choice that we must make is the one that will determine our success. Shall we rebuild our state together or shall we fight amongst ourselves, create even deeper divisions and fail the people of California? Well let me tell you something, the answer is clear. For my elite friends to win, the people, as usual, must lose. So get ready for the bloodbaths.

I will reach out to fleece Republicans, Democrats and independents. To those who supported the recall and those who did not, it won't matter. Those who supported me and those who did not. I want to screw everybody, the young or old, rich or poor, people of all religion, all colors and all nationalities. I want to be the governator for the rich and famous. I want to represent everybody in that category. I promise to do as I'm told by these people, no matter how rotten my orders are. ENRON über Alles!

I just received a gracious phone call from that pussy, Gov. Davis. Yes, a very gracious phone call from Gov. Davis, who promised me that he would - no no, gracious phone call from Gov. Pussy, OK? I really appreciated that call because he promised me he will work hard to make this translation smooth and I really appreciate that phone call, yes. He say's we're both on the same side.

I believe very strongly that a smooth translation is very important only for the morons of California. And this is why I instructed my translation team to treat their counterparts with the utmost contempt. We have to keep in mind that the important thing is the money. I will call all the leaders of the Legislature, both Democrats and Republicans, and I will let them know that my bribery account will always be open. That I want to work with them together for the good of California bigwigs.

The same goes to the members of the Legislature, it doesn't matter if they're to the left, to the right or to the center. I extend my hand to them. I want to work with you. I want and expect your unquestioning loyalty, after all I am the Führer.

And to the other candidates for governor, I want to extend to you the greased penis of political reconciliation so that we can fuck California together. Tonight we are all here celebrating, and we have reasons to celebrate, but tomorrow the hard work of our financial orgy will begin. Oh yes.

And in closing, I want to say something to you that I've been saying for the last two months traveling up and down the state. I don't want to be the people's governor. I don't want to represent everybody. I don't believe in the people of California and I know that together, we can't do anything. I know that together, we can never make this again the greatest state of the greatest country in the world. Thank you. And god help all of you. Thank you.

10/08/03 04:14 EDT
Copyright 2003 The Assassinated Press.