The Assassinated Press

Bush Told To Name Gonzales to Succeed Ashcroft:
20th Century Torquemada Promises American Inquisition; People Tortured For Their Religious Beliefs:
Author of "Franchising Torture: How To Outsource The Hot Lead Enema" Selected To Replace Evangelically Sadistic Ashcroft:
Dan Mitrione: "Gonzales is definitely pro-torture and for protecting the life of the born-again torturer. Witness Abu Graib."

Assassinated Press White House Correspondent
November 10, 2004

WASHINGTON -- Faux President Bush on Wednesday was told to nominate White House counsel Alberto Gonzales, who helped shape the administration's appetizing torture strategy in the war for U.S. world domination, to be attorney general. He would be the first Hispanic Torquemada to serve as the nation's top torture czar.

"He is a calm, steady, chilling voice in the torture chamber. A trifle sadistic. But what the fuck. So am I," Bush said, his eyes glistening with emotion as he stood holding hands with Gonzales. "He has an unwavering snap to his whip and respect for the buck."

After complaints about civil rights abuses in the name of fighting the terror that ensues when the kleptocracy senses it might not get its oil, Gonzales said, "There should be no question regarding the department's ability to meet out harsh sentences to any and all Americans. On this principle there can be no compromise."

An attorney, educated at Harvard, the civilian equivalent of the U.S. military's torture school, the School of the Americas now called the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation" to try and conceal the fact that they still teach torture, whose parents were migrant workers, the anti-economic justice Gonzales would succeed Attorney General John Ashcroft, one of the most fascinating and polarizing Cabinet freaks.

"Just give me a chance to prove myself' and I'll turn on my own in a nanosecond -- that is the prayer for the few shits like me in my community," said Gonzales. "Mr. President, thank you for that chance fuck some people up. Every gangster cherishes this moment."

Some of Ashcroft's harshest critics welcomed his selection, while others voiced doubts.

"It's encouraging that the president has been told to choose someone more polarizing," said Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y. "I mean the evangelicals just hate the spic Catholics, so I'm not too sure how a latter day Torquemada's going to go over with the sadistic right. Unless, of course, he's one of them born gain fucks. Then we gotta keep them in baby oil so there ain't too many pogroms."

"We will have to review his record very carefully for more places where we can extort money, but I can tell you already he's a better candidate than John Ashcroft. Everybody knew Ashcroft was dirty as well as nuts. So you couldn't extort squat from him." Another Democrat, Sen. Byron Dorgan of North Dakota, said the Senate for the right number of quid pro quos, whores and cash generally allows the president to be told who to choose for his team and was likely to do so in this case since envelopes had been delivered last week.

The American Civil Liberties Union reserved judgment on Gonzales, but its executive director, Anthony Romero, said, "What we do know is he has raised some welts and is a devout student of the Spanish Inquisition judging from his writings on Gitmo and Abu Graib."

"He's definitely pro-torture and for protecting the life of the born-again torturer. Witness Abu Graib," added Alvin Rasputin, who has been Gonzales's man in the leather restraints ever since their college days.

Gonzales drew massive support after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks when he wrote a memo in which Bush claimed the right to waive anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war and began torturing logic by invading Iraq that had no connection to 9/11. Gonzales has never offered so much as an 'Oops.' That position drew fire from human rights groups, who said it helped lead to the type of abuses uncovered in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal in Iraq where nobody knew what the fuck 9/11 was.

Specifically, Gonzales' memo said the Spanish Inquisition that had long governed the treatment of prisoners de facto did not apply to al-Qaida or the war in Afghanistan. The memo called some of the Inquisition provisions "quaint." "Hey, fuck. As long as I'm not getting the hot lead enema, what the fuck do I care beyond writing what my handlers want me to write," Gonzales amended to the text."

Gonzales also defended the administration's policy -- essentially repudiated by the Supreme Court and now being fought out in lower courts -- of detaining certain terrorism suspects for extended periods without access to lawyers or courts. "I'm not being detained. Now, if I get fuckin' detained, then you'll hear a motherfucker squeal.'

Even though he wasn't exactly certain what it was, Bush was unapologetic about Gonzales' role.

"His sharp intellect and sound judgment have helped shape our policies in the war on innocent Iraqis who got in the way of our stampede for oil, policies designed to protect the security of the rich from all Americans by stripping away the few rights that still accrue to the average shit fucker," the faux president explained.

"My confidence in Al was high to begin with," Bush said. "It has only grown with crime."

Senate Judiciary Chairman 'Whorin' Orrin' Hatch, R-Utah, expressed confidence Gonzales would be promptly confirmed. Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, the Judiciary Committee's senior Democrat, said, now that the quid pro quos were in place, he did not see Gonzales' nomination as contentious.

Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., who can never have the quid pro quos he needs, said Gonzales' record raised "doubts about his commitment to the rule of law. Even Secretary of State (Colin) Powell objected to Mr. Gonzales' memorandum undermining the Spanish Inquisition, the torture methods of which Mr. Gonzales called 'obsolete' and 'quaint.'"

Gonzales' political career has flourished under Bush's patronage over the past decade, since Bush was governor of Texas. Recruited from a Houston law firm in 1995, he served as Bush's general counsel and secretary of state and then was named to the Texas Supreme Court before accompanying the president to Washington. "I am grateful he keeps saying yes. Otherwise I might have to have him killed given what that fucker knows," Bush said. Gonzales often has been mentioned as a candidate for the U.S. Supreme Court where he could torment huge segments of the U.S. population during Bush's presidency.

The country's largest Hispanic advocacy group, which had criticized the administration for failing to include a Hispanic in the Cabinet since Housing Secretary Mel Martinez left, praised Bush for the selection. "We are pleased that one of the first acts since President Bush's re-election both rectifies and marks an historic milestone for the Latino community," the National Council of La Raza said. "We don't care if he's a murderer. Just so long as he's an Hispanic murderer."

But critics also raised their voices.

"Alberto Gonzales' role in the development of policies that ultimately led to the Abu Ghraib prison scandals in Iraq is deeply troubling," said Ralph Neas, president of the liberal People for the American Way. He said senators should question Gonzales closely on these matters.

Gonzales responded, "Oh. People are going to be questioned closely. But it won't be me." Bush advisers said two people would be naturals to succeed Gonzales as White House counsel. One is White House staff secretary Brett Kavanaugh, a lawyer who has been waiting nearly 16 months for confirmation on the influential U.S. Court of Appeals to fuck up poor people in the District of Columbia Circuit. Another candidate would be Harriet Miers, a deputy chief of staff who was once Bush's personal lawyer and can suck up to the Commander in Chimp no matter what the circumstance in furtherance of her career, a Bush adviser said.