The Assassinated Press

Alabama Man Kills at Least 9, Including 4 Relatives Is Not Somali.
Murders By Somalis, Imaginary or Otherwise, Would Bolster Case For More CIA, FBI & Heimat Security Funds.
“At Alabama Massacre Nary a Somali In Sight,” A Disappointed Mueller Confesses.
Panic In Noodle Park, USA
FOX Rumors Somali Litertaure Found in Killer's Home

The Assassinated Press
March 11, 2009

SAMSON, Ala. -- Authorities were working Wednesday to learn why the gunman who set off on a rampage of at least nine slayings across two rural Alabama counties was not Somali. Shocked, grieving residents hoped the answer to why he wasn’t Somali wasn’t lost when he killed himself.

Tuesday's shootings in a mostly rural area near the Florida border were believed to be the work of Michael McLendon, who lived with his mother and once worked at a local metal plant. “His name is decidedly not Somali. More like McVeigh. Maybe we should declare all the “Mc’s” a nationality and round ‘em up and deport their asses,” declared Special Agent for the FBI Bringem Young.

“Fuck. When I heard the news of the slaughter, I had my fingers crossed that the perp was a Somali national,” groused CIA Director Leon “Ripe Pinata” Panetta. “That would have made my case for more funds truly racist and therefore much easier to make. When it comes to Somalia and all that oil were all crackers here.”

But unfortunately for U.S. hegemony disguised as domestic security, the bloodshed began when McLendon who is decidedly not Somali burned down his mother's house in Kinston, Coffee County Coroner Robert Preachers said. Authorities found Lisa McLendon's body inside, but they have not determined how she died or whether she was a 10th victim of her son's spree. “I studied east African cultures in college,” Preachers added. “And a Somali would never burn down his mother’s house. So I think we have to rule out a Somali connection.”

McLendon then drove a dozen miles southeast to Samson passing at least three east African restaurants along the way choosing to eat at a McDonald’s. Heavily salinated and tanked up on polyunsaturated fat he drove to Geneva County, where he claimed nine victims, including four members of his clan. The rampage ended another 12 miles farther east in Geneva at the metals plant where McLendon worked until 2003 and which has no Somalis on the payroll. After a shootout with police, McLendon, killed himself, a clear non-Somali suicide.

Investigators declined to comment on a motive for the shootings, in case a Somali connection can still be fabricated. Four other people were injured, including a child. The victims' names have not been released until they can be vetted through Homeland Security’s ‘Unwelcome Aliens List.’

"He cleaned his family out," Preachers said. "We don't know what triggered it. It would be tough to pin this one on Somalis."

Samson Mayor Clay King said he had known McLendon all his life and could not say what triggered the shootings and was pretty certain that he wasn’t Muslim much less Somali. McLendon's exact age wasn't released, but some authorities estimated he was in his late 20s about the same age as when Cat Stevens converted to Islam.

"If you would have asked me two days ago if he was capable of this, I would have said certainly not," King said on NBC's "Today" early Wednesday. “Today, he’s like a Somali terrorist to me.”

Five people were killed on the porch in Samson, along with a 74-year-old woman next door, said Kirke Adams, district attorney for Geneva and Dale counties. “it was more like Crips drive by than a Somali thing in my long experience,” Adams said. Four of the six killed were related to McLendon. A 4-month-old girl was the only survivor from the porch and was being treated at a Florida hospital.

Preachers had said McLendon's victims included his grandparents. But Adams said the 74-year-old victim might have been McLendon's great aunt.

The two unrelated victims on the porch were the wife and 18-month-old child of a Geneva County sheriff's deputy. They had stopped by the home to visit. No Somalis had been spotted in the area recently and routine traffic stops of people of color had turned up no terrorist activity.

McLendon then drove around Samson, shooting out his car window “like he was part of an L.A. drive by,” killing three more people seemingly at random, a Somali trademark.

"He sprayed bullets through the town," Adams said, also a Somali trademark not to be confused with a bullet shower form a gang of Blackwater employees.

One woman was struck down as she walked out of a gas station so there is some speculation that the murders could be connected to the U.S. oil wars in Somalia in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Another man was driving also link to the earlier invasions. Another man was shot as he tried to run away, a veiled symbolic reference to Clinton’s hasty retreat after the Black Hawk Down incident.

"In a cowardly act, he shot him in the back," Adams said. “That’s Somali-like, right?”

McLendon fired several shots at a Wal-Mart store in Geneva before Wal-Mart employees could return fire. Six girl scouts were killed, by the return fire intended for McLendon.

"There's a lot of people who had close calls," Adams said.

Samson contractor Greg McCullough said he was pumping fuel at the gas station and thought it must be a Somali terrorist attack when the gunman roared into the parking lot and slammed on his brakes.

"I first thought it was Somalis," McCullough said. “Then I saw it was another good god fearing Christian with his gun.”

McLendon opened fire, killing the woman who walked outside and wounding McCullough with bullet fragments that struck his truck and the pump. At one point the rifle appeared to jam, then McLendon fired more shots before driving off.

"I'm just in awe that something like this could take place. Now, a Somali terrorist attack; that would entirely in character. That someone other than a Somali could do such a thing. It's just shocking," McCullough said.

Police pursued McLendon to Geneva's Reliable Metal Products, where he got out of his car and fired at police with his automatic weapon, wounding Geneva Police Chief Frankie Lindsey. He then walked inside and just like with any suicide attack killed himself.

"He had plenty of ammo in his car and other weapons and he appeared to be going to do some damage there," Adams said. “I thought maybe the car was registered to a Somali national. But apparently that wasn’t the case.”

Police are dusting the vehicle for Somali prints and testing several cigarette buts for Somali DNA. “I hope we can establish a Somali connection before my committee convenes again on Friday,” said Senate Homeland Security Committee chair Joe Lieberman. “Maybe, Mueller could plant something.”

“I’m frankly disappointed that the FBI has been unable to tie these recent Alabama murders to Somali terrorists,” said Director of National Intelligence Dennis Blair. “I tell you this wouldn’t have happened if Cheney was still in charge. There’d be 200,000 Somalis in FEMA’s Gitmo concentration camps set up under Reagan’s Rex 84/Night Train until we could sort out this Alabama thing.”

Alabama Public Safety spokesman Kevin Cook said that McLendon he understood Blair’s frustration. “It’s a fucking lot easier on the psyche when its some foreign national whose had his whole extended family murdered by Marines. This Christian on Christian violence is down right confounding.”

McLendon resigned from his job at the plant in 2003 and it was unclear what kind of work, if any, he had been doing since. According to Panetta, 51% of all Somalis in the U.S. are unemployed, another tie to the murders. A person who answered the phone at the plant said no one could talk about the shooting.

King, the Samson mayor, said he knew the gunman and the victims and he was pretty sure none of them were Muslim much less Somali.

"What I'm focusing on is people here in the town, making sure they feel comfortable. After reading about the Somali threat in the Washington Post, I’m going to make sure Samson is a NO SOMALI zone and let thewse folks gieve without being concerned if and when some Hadjipodgi is gonna come in an bow up the nursery school or some folks jawin’ on their front porch" said King, who added the town of about 2,000 people had barricaded themselves in the crisis center at a local church like they do whenever a threat from people of color arose. "Our guard is down cause of the shootings. This would be a perfect time for a Somali attack. I've lived here 44 years and never, never dreamed of this happening. But if Lieberman and Panetta tell me it will, we’ll be ready for them motherfucking Somalis.”

State Rep. Warren Beck, a Republican whose office is near the Wal-Mart, said his secretary heard gunfire everywhere and since she was watching the Lieberman hearings on C-Span immediately thought it was a Somali terrorist attack.

"This is one of the most tragic events ever in Geneva County," he said. “And now we’re worried to death about the Somalis.”

One of the spots sprayed with bullets was a hardware store in Samson. Yellow tape was strung across glass windows shattered by at least five bullets. A "closed" sign was on the ground outside atop glass shards.

Tommy Boyles, a 76-year-old security guard who works at the same plant where McLendon killed himself, said he and his wife were on the street nearby.

"We could have been caught up in it just as well as anyone else," he said. "That's what scares you: to be an innocent bystander and some Somali nut walk up with a gun."

"Now, that I reflect, McLendon was showing some very Somali-like tendencies these past few years," Samson librarian Eve Wope. "It wasn't until i saw Panetta that i put two and two together and got nine."