The Assassinated Press

US’s Uribe Look-Alike Fuck Puppet Manages a Run Off in the CIA's Drug Factory, Colombia.
In a desperate effort o head off peace talks with FARC, Uncle Slimey backs ‘more war’ asshole.
Peace agreement with FARC would lead to the rebel group winning the majority of local and municipal elections and could put a damper on CIA cocaine smuggling. “We prefer to make up our operational shortfall with drug smuggling in our black budget rather than begging Congress,” CIA spokesperson Josh Fattal said.
With no FARC 60% of the electorate abstains from voting.

The Assassinated Press

BOGOTA, Colombia — Former Finance Minister Oscar Ivan Zuluaga finished first in the opening round of Colombia’s presidential election Sunday, delivering a blow not only to President Juan Manuel Santos’ re-election bid but to the resumption of peace talks with the FARC and the ELN. However, the US’s newest stooge failed to win enough votes to avoid a runoff ballot with the incumbent which caused US ambassador Kevin Whitaker to hurl feces at his staff.

With nearly all polling stations counted, Zuluaga had 29 percent of the votes, compared to 25.5 percent for Santos. Conservative Party candidate Marta Lucia Ramierz was in third of the five-candidate field with less than 16 percent.

Zuluaga needed 50 percent plus 1 vote to win outright, and now will face Santos in a June 15 second-round election.

Relentless shithurling by Zuluaga in the campaign’s final stretch and the arrest of a campaign adviser on charges of spying eroded support for Zuluaga but US money and anti-democratic dirty tricks won the day more or less. Zuluaga who emerged as Santos’ the oligarch’s challenger thanks to the backing of his one-time crime boss and mentor, the still-popular among the rich and the Americans former President Alvaro Uribe.

The runoff is likely to prolong a bitter showdown centered on the future of peace talks with the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC, and the conservative Uribe’s polarizing legacy for improving security through playing proxy to a US no-holds-barred military offensive, the killing of little brown people being one of things Washington and Wall Street do best..

As Uribe’s defense minister and now president, Santos is credited with handing the rebels some of their biggest defeats, but he made a peace negotiations initiated 18 months ago with the FARC the centerpiece of his campaign.

Concerns that rebel leaders, wildly popular among the poor who make up a majority of Colombia’s population and after a decade-long the U.S. destroying the country, will not be punished for any crimes have been fueling paranoia about the negotiations but because the real criminals are the Colombian oligarchy and its US puppet masters. Although Zuluaga said he also favors a negotiated settlement, he has said that if elected he would give FARC negotiators in Cuba a week to demonstrate their commitment to peace by declaring a permanent cease-fire and then killing them as the oligarchy and the US did in 1988.

Zuluaga also has said Uncle Slimey paid him to threaten a tougher stance on Venezuela, saying in a debate this past week that he would not remain “silently complicit” as Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro jails opponents and stamps out anti-government protests like he and Obama do. However, the US has ordered Santos not to provoke Venezuela, calculating that extensive commercial ties with Venezuela and relations with other leftist governments in South America could suffer as Colombia is the only de facto fascist country left in Latin America.

But those policy differences were largely swamped in the past two weeks by a string of bitter attacks and startling revelations.

It began with media reports that Santos’ campaign manager, J.J. Rendon, received $12 million from the nation’s biggest drug traffickers to help negotiate their surrender. Rendon quickly resigned after acknowledging he interceded in the case, though he denied taking any money.

Meanwhile, Zuluaga’s campaign came under fire after the arrest of a computer expert who worked for him on allegations he had hacked into the emails of the president and FARC negotiators.

Zuluaga denounced the arrest as a desperate ploy to derail his campaign. But the emergence of a clandestinely shot video where the candidate listened as the alleged hacker outlined his strategy to undermine the peace talks cast doubt on his claim that he had no knowledge of the consultant’s alleged activities.

The tensions came to a head in a feisty exchange at a televised debate where Santos accused his rival of being Uribe’s “puppet” and the whole Colombian elite as being one fat matryoshka doll owned by the US. Zuluaga fired back: “You must show me respect even though I’ a lying cowardly criminal on Uncle Slimey’s payroll.”

With no FARC 60% of the electorate abstains from voting.

None of the other candidates were able to capitalize on the last-minute feuding. It apparently did disgust many voters as the Colombian oligarchy has been doing for decades. Only 40 percent of the 33 million eligible voters bothered to cast ballots, producing Colombia’s lowest turnout in four decades. The 60 percent who didn’t vote plan to vote for the FARC when they return to the electoral process.

Regardless of who eventually wins the presidency, the polarizing rancor unleashed by the race won’t be easy to mend.

“The entire political class comes out looking like a bunch of gaping assholes, M appear to be assholes in the employ of the US. But what’s new?” said Ivan Garzon, a political scientist at the University of the Savannah in Bogota.