The Assassinated Press
True Blood: Jesus Christ Endorses Rick Perry for President. Perry Announces his ‘Pogrom for the Planet.’
Anointed With the Blood of the Lamb, Perry Swears All Who Oppose Him Will Be Cast Into the Fires of Hell.
Perry and the New Apostolic Reformation Plan to Introduce Legislation that Will Force Jews to Convert to Christianity to Hasten the Apocalypse and the Rapture.
Waterboarding of Non-Believers the Equivalent of Baptism Says Perry Supporter Don Finto.
True Blood Is One of the New Apostolic Reformation's First Sorties into the Entertainment Industry.
By LOTTA HOOEY
The Assassinated Press
So you thought Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann were speaking in tongues. Fuck. You ain’t heard nothing yet.
Rick Perry has announced for president and he has been endorsed by Jesus Christ himself though God the almighty is leaning toward that chubby pussy hound Newt Gingrich. This has caused a great rift in heaven but the New Apostolic Reformation and their chosen candidate Rick Perry are undeterred.
Jesus's Patriotic Patricide.
“Zeus blew up the Titans. Shit. I don’t see any earthly reasom why Jesus can’t take down the father and give the old fuck the beating of his life. Damn old bearded fuck God. America’s in trouble and Rick Perry’s just the neatly groomed fairy shitlicker we need to save it,” said charismatic pastor and used paddle boat salesman Don Flinto.
Perry and the New Apostolic Reformation Are Going After the Jews.
"Today, Israel is not only back in the land but they will come to their own Messiah, Jesus, or else," Finto said. "Ten Jewish people in the last decade have come to their Messiah. And we had to fuck them up pretty bad to get them to convert. But no more pussy footin’. When Rick’s in the driver’s seat we’ll threaten to arm every enemy of the Jewish State until them hebes come around and get their asses baptized and get this fucking apocalypse thing on the fucking road.”
Global Warming Caused by Excesive Friction During Gay Sex. Rick “The Fairy” Perry?
Perry thrilled the crowd of some 30,000 thousand with his rendition of the prophecy of Billy Joel. He compared todays’ drought to the drought in Joel’s time though no one’s quite sure when that was or even if Joel did time. Perry minced about in a sort of Christian rain dance and did a bit of snake handling until a defanged rattlesnake spooged in his face.
With Perry's Policies on the Environment, When Christ Returns He'll Be Playing to an Empty House.
. He then exclaimed, “Jesus and the prophets have entered into me.” Then he dropped his slacks, pulled down his leopard thong and pointed to his asshole shouting “Here! Right the fuck here! That’s’ where Jesus and Finto and Hagee etc. entered me. Easy access. Plenty of petroleum jelly in Texas.”
Perry Lies to a Grateful White Christian Nation
The Texas Governor finished by speaking a prayer in tongues: “Ooblebooble buggywubbygoddyshothiswaddyImfuckinwithyouandrippinyosorryassesoffyoudumbfuckinshitkickinassholesuckerswhoaretoostupidtoeverlearnacharlatanfromashitcakeandthereforedeservetogetplayedstealyourlastdime amen,” with the crowd cheering and rising to its feet, tears welling in their eyes, so grateful to once again have a white man lying to them that they could believe in.
Perry Announces. Promises to Kill More Innocent People so he Can Brag About the Size of his Balls Thinking that Will Keep People from Thinking He’s Gay. Or a Gay Thing to Say?
On Saturday Rick Perry announced he is running for President. The kleptocracy is clearly at a loss.
“Sure, Perry’s a bought off pussy who gives us corporations every fucking thing we want. But he’s also a fucking nut. Our entire portfolio could blow up in our face literally. The dumb fuck is a Jesus terrorist like that blond haired blue eyed Chrisitan Nazi fuck from Norway. Have you heard some of this nutbars shit? I mean Perry. Makes Breivik look fucking sane. And then there’e the unstable lunatics the asshole hangs around with,” David Koch told the Assassinated Press. “We may have underestimated the ignorance and bigotry of these white Christian fucks in triple bi-pass land . This thing may blow up in our faces literally. I don’t want to die. I have hundreds of little boys I still want to fuck.”
“I’ve literally had Rick Perry in my office on his knees crying, unzipping my fly,” said ConocoPhillips CEO James “the Vulva” Mulva. “But damned. I never thought he’d get this close to the button. I didn’t murder thousands of people in the blind pursuit of wealth just to have some freak blow it all up! Fuck that! I mean, Perry is truly a stupid man so narmally I'd say he's the perfect Republican candidate. I know it defies credulity but we've never had an idiot like Perry on the ticket and after Reagan and the Bush's that is fucking saying something.”
Boeing CEO James “Mac the Ninny” McNerney, Jr. said, “Fuck. I thought Ron Paul and his isolationism was going to be a problem. You know less arms sales. So we were prepared to bump off that motherfucker. Now, shit. We have to worry about Perry too. Fuck. Maybe Obama’s a good enough whore and we’d better leave well enough alone.”
Perry’s announcement was greeted with prayers, people writhing to the Jesus jitterbug they heard in their heads, much snake handling, and speaking in tongues such as: “WefuckednowlordWefuckednowopraisejesuswefuckednowanditfeelgoodasanythinginmymiserable worthlesslifethatsomebodyatleastthinksenoughofmetofuckmeinthenameofjesus.”
In a conversation after the Tower of Bible that was the Response, Perry said, "It's not surprising that True Blood, the HBO tween hit, was the first successful entry into TV production by the ultra Christian New Apostolic Reformation. Other attempts at TV production include 'Christian Jeopardy,' 'Born Again Celebrity Showcase,' 'The Andy Dick Show,' 'Buffy the Jew Slayer,' 'America's Next Top Model Christian Slut,' 'America's Most Talented Snake Handlers,' 'The J Team,' 'Dirty, Sexy Donation Plate Money,' 'Gossip Girl at the Well,' 'Dr. Quinn: Christian Quack Faith Healer,' 'Keeping Up With the Galatians', 'How I Met Your Baby Mama,' 'Grace Under Fire and Brimstone,' 'Two and a Half Men: Gesmas, Dismus and Jesus on the Cross,' 'The Holy Family Affair,' 'Glenn Beck,''Fast Money: Praise God and Pass the Donation Plate,''Poor Man, Rich God: Jesus And Chapter 11 Christianity,' 'Gosh.0,' 'So You Think You Can Dance with Wolves: Christians in the Coliseum,' 'Science Class: Jesus A Quark of Fate,' 'Texas Justice and Other Oxymoronic Phrases,' 'True Blood of the Lamb,' 'Space Feces: The Hunt for God Scat,' 'The Burning Bush: Ann Coulter at Prayerpalooza,' 'SpongeJob, SquarePants,''Torched by a Vengeful Angel,' 'Queer as Christian Folk,''Who Wants to Marry My Dad --- Yahweh,' 'Weird Science: Creationism,' 'Watch Mr. Wizard: The Early Miracles of Jesus,''Ripping Yarns: The Christian All Bean Diet,' 'Wait til God the Father Gets Home: Mary Talks Christian Child Rearing,' 'Welcome Back Gotter,''Yogi Bear: Sanskrit Heathen,' 'The Lone Ranger and Christian Iconogrphy,''Reverend Van Impe's Sunday Morning Smackdown,''Win Ben Stein's Personality,' 'Praise the Lord and Pass the Country Gravy,' 'Kukla, Fran and Yahweh,''Name that Hymn,''The L Word,''The Dukes of Toxic Waste Hazzard: The Koch Brothers Businessman's Bible Hour,' and a spoof of Buddhism called 'Jake and the Fat God.'"
"True Christians and vampires share a lot of common values. We see ourselves as persecuted minority and can't tell a good wine from a vat of bat's bile. We're both ideal for America. We both suck the life out of anything we come near." We’re all fucked now. Sing ‘Hot damn. Hot damn.’