The Assassinated Press

Move to Declare the Anniversary of Glenn Beck’s Hemeroid Surgery a National Holiday Gains Momentum, Money.
Glenn’s Deliverance From the Trial of the Fiery Ass Available on DVD.
Pharmaceutical Companies, Prosthetics Industry and AMA Site Shock Jock/Messiah’s Tireless Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth to Defeat Health Care Reform.
Limbaugh Miffed: Wants Drugged Up Fat Shit National Oxycontin Day.

The Assassinated Press

No it’s not god. But in America it’s pretty damn close. Big business is behind an offensive to have the anniversary of Glenn Beck’s surgery to excise his hemeroids declared a national holiday and day of prayer and reflection.

“Glenn has worked so hard on our behalf that we feel he merits his own day of special praise,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler. “Besides its all that lousy food on the paid lecture circuit that gave Glenn his piles in the first place. We worked him like a $2.00 mule to make sure our profits weren’t jeopardized. And frankly the fat kid with the crew cut came through for us.”

The twelve largest pharmaceutical companies have all pledged money to press the Obama administration to declare May, 15 the Glenn Beck Day of Piles and Prayer. Companies who have already pledged ten million dollars or more for the project include Pfizer, Johnson, and Johnson, GlaxoSmithKline, Novartis and the Narcotics Division of the FBI. The AMA and prosthetics giant Stumble & Krip have also pledged $20,000,000 “to secure this recognition for Mr. Beck” as CEO I.E. Cologny said at a recent $10,000.00 a plate banquet given in the shock jock/messiah’s honor.

“Christ if the plate was $10,000.00 can you imagine what the undercooked lima beans cost,” joked AMA president Sweeney Todd at the same banquet. He continued. “We need men like Glenn Beck. Men with the education of oat mold to lie and distort any position that’s going to take money out of my pocket. As us conservatives are always saying, ‘A man should always stand on his own two feet and if he’s had those feet blown off, tough break.’ That’s Glenn’s philosophy and that’s mine and fuck anybody who says different. Now that crazy bitch Sue Lowden, nostalgic for the past, might recommend that the amputee cut down a sampling and strap it to his stump for a peg leg. But where did that asshole get her medical degree. The fucking Drag Hag Beauty Salon. I say let the loser with one leg have the government pay $60,000 for a state of the art prosthetic and leave his family without any insurance at all. As for being paid in chckens. I'd shove them up Lowden's ass to cure what ails her.”

“In Glenn’s hour of need when his ass was on fire and he was bleeding from his anus so bad a pack of wild dogs tracked him to the studio every day, we were there for him. O sure, he pissed and moaned and called us a broken health care system. But that’s the moment we realized he was a self-pitying little shit that we could manipulate.”

“And sure enough Glenn has been there for us like we were there for his rectum and neither have been the same since.”