The Assassinated Press
Christ's Last Dump.
Ancient Judean Feces Found in the Shape of Glenn Beck’s Head.
Did Jesus Go to His Death With Beck Butt?
By HOLLY SHITE
The Assassinated Press
As though we didn’t already possess a plethora of rhetoric from Glenn Beck that Glenn Beck was placed on this earth by Divine Providence, new evidence from the Holy Land appears to incontrovertibly support his claims. In a spot not for from the hooch and cooch, the Fornix, run by Hebron Heli in AD33 where the Last Supper took place archaeologists have found a pile of fossilized squat in the shape of Glenn Beck’s head.
Beck’s radio cohost Stu Burguiere put it this way, “If there was a Last Supper, it stands to reason there was a Last Dump. After all Christ was human like the rest of us.”
Purge the Scourge
The large lump of fossilized human excrement was discovered at the site reported to be the Garden of Gethsemane. “It appears Jesus wasn’t going off alone to kibitz with his old man,” bible scholar Elmer Whiteroot told the Assassinated Press. “He was sneaking off to drop a load. And from the fossilized remains, which not only remarkably resemble Mr. Beck but are the actual size of Beck’s enormous noggin, our Lord wasn’t getting his roughage. This may account for the beads of sweat that the Apostles witnessed on Jesus’ brow upon his return.”
The Museum of Antiquities in Tel Aviv has definitively carbon dated the pile of shit as being offloaded on Thursday at 5:00PM 33AD. Bits of lamb and fennel can still be seen in the lump. This timeslot also corresponds to when Beck’s show airs from its studios in New York which we all know is the Christian capital of the world.
Auto-scanning of the Tiberian turd revealed its dimensions to be exactly those of radio and TV personality Glenn Beck. “And the features are uncannily similar between the ossified pile of messiah shite and Glenn Beck’s bubble dome,” said radiographer Ari Flesheater. “If I were a Christian who worshipped Glenn Beck this would clinch it for me. It’s a divine sign without a doubt. Shit don’t lie. It beats Christ’s image in a grilled cheese sandwich by a mile and a vertical smile.”
The Last Squat Show
In Israel the clump of feces has been offered its own talk show. The program will feature the main political players from the Israeli conservative right discussing current affairs with American evangelicals. Discussions will involve the Rapture and how Moses and the Jews road out of Egypt on dinosaurs as well as the valuable cooking tips like making kosher hog jowels or how to get those lumpy balls of undercooked dough out of your matzah ball soup.
Advertisers Line Up
The pile of shit is slotted to ‘moderate’ though that word has a strong sense of irony given the context of the program. A working title for the show is “God’s Shit Don’t Stink: Global Pogroms for a Global Age.” Alternatives include “Earning Apocalypse” and “Diet for a Dying Planet.” The show will be sponsored by Goldline and the Charles Koch/John Wayne Gacy Foundation.
Meanwhile, the Smithsonian in Washington DC has asked to examine the pile of shit. At first Mr. Beck demurred until he was told they the institution was talking about Our Savior’s Last Dump.
Tel Aviv has countered the Smithsonian with an offer of a stool sample.” We have an old piece of shit that no longer stinks much. But they have the real thing in Mr. Beck,” Mr. Flesheater said.
Dumb Is the New Smart!
But under pressure from congressional leaders John Boehner(pronounced Bo-ner), Mitch “Stitch’ McConnell and Louie “Back Wheels” Gomert to cut off military bribes, Israeli officials had a change of heart-- and briefs-- and agreed to ship the turd to Washington with assurances that their shit wouldn’t get lost in the mountains of shit that make up the most powerful city on the world.
Museum curator Benjamin Graverobber told the Assassinated Press that “Mr. Beck, after hearing that we would be receiving Our Lord’s Last Logging Expedition, has graciously agreed to take part in the study. “We hope to put Glenn up against this piece of shit to determine if his likeness really did free fall from the ass of our Lord that cool evening long ago in Gethsemane or if it’s purely a coincidence that these two great squats have intersected in history.”