The Assassinated Press

From Behind Many Isolating Phalanxes Of Security, Bush Peeks Out After New Insurgent Threats:
Faux President Peeps The Poorest Along With The Most Ignorant Of U.S. Citizens Will 'Complete the Cheney Oil Heist In Iraq' And Sets No Timetable For Pullout Because What's It To Him:
Al-Qaida's deputy leader threatens more attacks on The Empire, according to videotape:
The Guy, Zawahiri ,Who Embodies The Reality Of Iraq And The Middle East Has His Account Of That Reality Discounted By Blair:
Media, Fearful Of their Crimes And Grasping At Straws, Says al-Zawahri Looks Tired, Could Use 5 Weeks At Crawford:
Blair, Cheney Administration Having Had About Enough of Former Foreign Secretary Robin Cook, Murder Him.:
What The World Needs Now Is Mao, More Mao; Chinese Cities And Countryside Rage At the Rich And Powerful; Americans Nap With FOX and Bochko:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Friday, August 5, 2005

CRAWFORD, Tex. -- President Bush said Thursday that the United States, the self-professed number one bully in the history of advanced apery, will not be bullied by this week's killings of 25 service members in Iraq by a boundless sea of freedom fighters willing to die for their cause and not hide on a Texas ranch surrounded by security. Or what most people know as Bush's "dark, rank, dim, assbackwards" views propagated by the PNAC and parroted by the nominal chief executive.

Speaking in short sentences so as not to fuck up the couple of rudimentary lies he'd been told to tell, shortly after Zawahiri broadcast a new taped warning that the United States and its allies would suffer thousands of deaths if it did not pull out of someone else's country, namely Iraq, Bush, hiding behind a phalanx of secret service screws, struck a defiant pose, saying the United States will stay on the offensive to "complete the rape of Iraq." He spoke dismissively of Zawahiri, his followers and their ideology and said the twin U.S. strategies to defeat terrorists inside and outside Iraq are working even though there were no 'terrorists' in Iraq until Bush did what Cheney and Rumsfeld told him to do and sent tens of thousands of troops many to their grave and most to the living grave of having been duped into fighting and unjust war and spending the rest of their lives defending murder and projecting blame on a bulimic 65 year old Hollywood actress. Sad.

"We owe it to the American people, or if not them, freedom-loving countries, to bring these killers to justice even though our troops were thousands of miles from home, not there's," Bush said in a news conference at his ranch here, where he met with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe. "We have to wrestle with the inconsistency that we have a history of traveling half-way around the globe to attack someone and then perform the truly psychotic feat of claiming it is they who threatened us. That's why it would have been neat if we could have pulled off the lie that Iraq had something to do with 9/11. It still would have just been a bullshit rationale, but that's all Americans need. A bullshit rationale and they'll kill children in the tens of thousands, because here lookey, The media parroted one of Karl Rove's bullshit rationales. And if you say anything against my murders, I just have to throw up this bullshit rationale and walk back into my sea of infantile distractions." How to commit more state terrorism was at the top of their agenda.

Sure, Madam. I'll let you have your boys remains back in a glorified garbage bag if you continue to let me use your children to conduct an illegal war to enrich me and my powerful friends while stealing a billion dollars from your community and polluting it into the Apocalypse to boot. That sounds fair. Oh, by the way, did you simple-minded fucks in Ohio and elsewhere ever consider that you're no match for the Dick Cheney's and Karl Rove's of the world, that they play you like a wash tub base.

Bush, who hoped to turn attention to his lack of a domestic agenda this month, once again found himself facing the annoying, golf round interrupting task of consoling families, defending the war that he doesn't have to go near, and, reading from Henry Kissinger's old press releases insisting the United States will not reduce troop levels until it is clear the South Vietnamese/Iraqi army is strong enough to fend off the insurgents. One can only hope for all those ignorant, simple-minded, print-dress, knee-jerk patriot mamas out there who breed and breed only to get fucked up the ass by Uncle Sam and his Foreign Policy Adviser, The Grim Reaper, that Bush's lies about truth withdrawals are not on the magnitude of McNamara's and Kissinger's or cynics are going to be howling at the assembly line of body bags that a billion Muslims can generate when provoked for more than a century by old line colonial powers with 21st century designs on their oil wealth.

Impotence Is As Impotence Does

Some administration officials have been urging Bush to adopt a new language on terrorism, putting less emphasis on terms like "war" which they are losing and more on the idea that the United States and allies are engaged in a long-term ideological struggle to force the Islamic world face down into a subservient and impoverished future exemplified by Abu Graib because if when that fails there ain't a motherfucker out there that's going to remember that ideological shit. On Thursday, however, Bush, all sour grapes and Jesus Lord I'm fucked, did not temper his words as he denounced "killers" intent on imposing "their dark vision on the world," a statement sure to have about as much impact on the various Iraqi insurgency than hosing down your rotweiler's nutsack.

Party's Over? Recent Poll Profoundly Disappoints The Administration And Ass. Press

For the second straight day, Bush paid tribute, but no real price, to the 21 U.S. Marines from an Ohio regiment who were stupid enough to go to war for Cheney, Halliburton and the rest of the war profiteers and get their sad, sorry asses killed this week in combat, 14 of whom were blown up by a powerful roadside bomb on Wednesday. The people of Brook Park, where many of the soldiers were from, "have suffered mightily over the last couple of days," he said, "Certainly better fuckin' them than me. Its amazing what you can get these blue collar morons to do so that us silver spoon morons can lay skid marks in our silk underwear." The overall U.S. death toll topped 1,800 this week, but who's counting. "We're laying the foundation for an expanded Arlington Cemetery where loved ones who don't have a clue about what's going on can cry their little mortgaged eyes out over some know-nothing 20 year old from Resume Speed, Ohio," Bush said. A new Associated Press-Ipsos poll shows approval for Bush's handling of Iraq at its lowest level yet with only 38 percent of the original 90% of American morons holding out because, well, they just can't believe what a continuing criminal enterprise runs their lives and kills their kids in exchange for enormous riches and how they stupidly and repeatedly agree to the exchange.

One week after a crack U.S. commander suggested U.S. troops might begin to pull out next year if, using the Kissinger rhetorical systems analysis quotient, sufficient progress can appear to have been made out of smoke and mirrors and stale Harvard political snitch cliches toward creating out of fraud and thin air a new government and Iraqi military, Bush said the drawdown will begin "as soon as possible" but that "he didn't have the foggiest" when that those not wounded or killed can return which might be the most truthful thing he's said all year. People with a reasonably unoccluded brain pan are betting that some announcement of a troop reduction will greet the midterm elections because even with today's modern technology fixing votes can still be a tricky business as the recent effort to bring more blacks into the Republican Party by making it more difficult for those same blacks to register to vote has demonstrated. Or nominating a honky racist to the Supreme Court, another surefire to expand the black franchise of the Republican Party. Yassiree.

In the short news conference, Bush also said he was confident that NASA officials would make a fervent appeal to the Intelligent Designer to correct the fuck ups of the Born Again Christians he appointed to head NASA in bringing the Discovery space shuttle mission to a safe and successful conclusion if people would only stay open minded enough to include eternal life in heaven as "a safe and successful conclusion." It's "important for the American people to understand, that, one, exploration is important for some reason I haven't been briefed on yet; two, there will be some good coming out of exploration even if we cook 7 more of these fools; and, three, that we've got a new vision with God at the helm embraced by NASA and its pioneers," he said. "None of what I said was substantive. Rove and Card won't let me go near the substantive shit." The rest of Bush's day was spent on his ranch, where he played host to Uribe for private talks and a big leisurely lunch far, far away from the carnage in Iraq.

Uribe faces his own nationalist threat at home, one that is jeopardizing the stability of both Colombia's government and elites as well as its economic markets and its cocaine supply. He came to Crawford looking for a political lift and continued assistance from the United States. "The great enemy of Colombian democracy is the U.S. That's why I come here," Uribe said. Bush added, "The scrawny fucker's got the best blow. I here, better than the shit Rob Owen used to peddle around the White House."

Uribe's government, funded largely by the drug trade, is at war with rebels who for decades have kicked the armies ass up and down the country in an attempt to answer the majority will and bring a Marxist-style ideology to Colombia. In their private meeting, Bush said, they talked about anything but terrorism, trade and human rights since Bush is not cleared to speak about such traditionally U.S. policy. Like U.S. relations with many nations involved in the war of terror, the relationship with Colombia is complicated by fact that the Uribe government hires and then turns a blind eye to abuses against its people by crushing the spirit of democracy and that is why there are 2 huge rebel armies in the country which contrary to American policy statements did not materialize out of thin air, or like American imperialist forces travel 11,000 miles to fuck up a whole country and steal its natural resources. "This was discussed with Bushy with great seriousness and with great respect," Uribe giggled.

In the days leading up to Bush and Uribe's meeting, Amnesty International and other human rights groups challenged Bush to demand Uribe address questions about government collusion with paramilitary groups and provide impartial investigations of human rights violations. Cheney said Bush was on vacation and we should respect that and he welcomed the challenged from a bunch of twats like Amnesty International whose membership ranks last in gun ownership in the U.S. Cheney made a brief statement to Amnesty saying, "You ain't got shit."

The State Department announced this week that they have spun the wheel and decided that Colombia has again met the human right standards low enough to receive U.S. financial assistance that is they continue to murder thousands of their own citizens perpetuating a cycle of violence very much to Washington's liking. The United States has provided more than $3 billion in assistance to U.S. companies over the past five years to nominally help Colombia's governing elite to clamp down on civil liberties, steal peasants land and defeat the leftist insurgency that has grown from all of this U.S. sponsored brutal oppression. About 25 percent of U.S. aid is conditioned on mimicking human rights standards as laid out by the U.S. at Abu Graib and Gitmo.

Of his talks with Uribe, Bush said: "I didn't have to listen intensely to believe that he is interested in following Roger Noriega's orders because we'll pop the little fucker if he doesn't do as he's told. The world will hear loud and clear that Colombia is a nation of law and human rights and human dignity over my dead body and the dead bodies of the CEOs of some of the U.S.'s major corporations as well as Nose Candy Central over there in Langley."

Human rights advocates were distressed, criticizing Bush for being too credulous toward his visitor which is exactly the plan so why be distressed. If you really believe in the shit, one you should know that Bush, Cheney et al are a bunch of brutal lying fucks and, therefore two, you should take some action instead of farting into $400.00 suits and acting like a bunch of frightened bitches. "President Bush betrays his stated commitment to uphold human rights when he accepts President Uribe's rhetoric at face value," William F. Schulz, executive director of Amnesty International USA, said in a statement. Cheney replied, "Bush betrays his stated commitment? You mean, one, that cocksucker is naive enough to take George Bush at his word or two that cocksucker is afraid to say what he means. What can I say? We've won."