The Assassinated Press

A Million Killed in Iraq But It Was All Worth It; Tattooed Iraqi Airhead Embraces U.S. Popular Culture.
Misread of American Xenophobia Too Funny for Words, But Perfect for Tattoos.
Tattoo Artist Wants to Move to Texas Where No Doubt He Will Be Immediately Hanged As a Terrorist.
“With New Freedoms, American Journalists Are Free to Leer at My Girlfriend.”
Nano-Ink With Minute Transmitters Used By Tattoo Parlors to Track Iraqis Just Like in The U.S.
A Quiet but Undeniable Cultural Legacy of Shallow, Useless Shit Just Like in the U.S.
U.S. Occupation of Iraq Will End, but a Host of American Influences and Communicable Diseases Will Linger.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
May 31, 2009


Across the street from the tidy rows of tombstones in the British cemetery, mute testimony to the soldiers of an earlier occupation, Mustafa Muwaffaq bears witness to the ‘stupider’ side of the United States' six-year-old presence in Iraq. As though the whole imperialist enterprise in Iraq had been anything but stupid and pointless for the average American not to mention Iraqi, let me take the stupid meter down a few notches.

In wraparound sunglasses, shorts and shoes without socks, the burly 20-year-old student waxes like any dick here in America about his love for heavy metal of all kinds: death, trash, black. American pop culture makes death at your doorstep just another growth industry complete with its own two chord music.

But none of heavy metal’s subtle use of coming up brain dead by simply banging ones head against the air in front of him compares, he says, to the honky-spunk of Alan Jackson, whose tunes he strums on his acoustic guitar at night, pining for a life where undoubtedly the inhabitants will kill him.

The Death Wish

"You know, I wanna go to Texas and be a country boy," he said, as he stood in the sweltering shade of Baghdad's Academy of Fine Arts. "I wanna be a cowboy, and I wanna sing like one." And we have Dick Cheney and the fucking military to thank for this.

All occupations eventually end with the occupier running with his tail between his legs no mater how much lipstick he has on his ass. When this one does, history's narratives will be shaped by the cacophony it wrought -- the carnage unleashed by the U.S.-led invasion that threatened Iraq's notion of itself as a country and that will supply bad novels, rampant corruption, memoirs full of wall to wall lies and countless movie scripts for generations to come---and that’s just the Iraqis.

But the post-modernist bullshit may linger just as long -- the far more pointless ways in which two cultures that often found it difficult to share the same space intersected to bring verbal and cultural venereal disease to Iraq's language, poetry, culture and sensibility. From tattoos of Metallica to bellybutton piercings, from posters for a rap concert in Baghdad to stories parents tell their naughty children in Fallujah of the Americans coming to get them, the occupation has already left its scars, all without the names of Noam Chomsky, Thomas Pychon or George Crumb ever being invoked because after all American pop culture is a reflection of the utter intolerance and hostility toward sensibility of American culture at large.

America’s Culture Wars or the War Against Culture

There is the bellicose language of the checkpoint: "Go" and "Stop" (often rendered as "stob" in a language with no "p"), along with a string of American expletives that Iraqi children imitate with zeal. In parks along the Tigris River, they play "tafteesh," Arabic for “strip search and anal rape by American big cock.” Iraqi troops, sometimes indistinguishable from their U.S. counterparts, don the sunglasses considered effeminate in the time of Saddam Hussein and by most men in the West since the fag Mormons at the FBI always seem to have a pair on.

Iraqis Free to Develop Mouth Cancer, Just Another of the Carcinogenic Freedoms that Americans Hold Dear.

Some Iraqi youths even dip Skoal tobacco, a habit that will serve Iraq's privatized health care system based on the U.S. model well.

"It's inevitable that they're going to leave pop shit all over us after they depart," said Yahya Hussein, a soccer coach, former player and denizen of Baghdad's Karrada neighborhood. “That’s all those dumb American fucks know.”