The Assassinated Press

Iraq Can Handle Security, Iraqi Prime Minister Says.
As Thousands of American Troops Head For the Exits, Cheney Tells al-Maliki He’s Not Leaving (Meaning U.S. Forces) Until He Gets His Fuckin’ Oil.
Al-Maliki Forced To Recant.
“Every God Damned One of the 155,000 Cock Suckers We Have On the Ground Right Now Is Absolutely Necessary For The Success of ‘Operation Get Me My Fucking Oil’” Gen. Petraeus Insists, “Not To Mention the 58,000 Private Security Shits.”
“We’ll Leave When We’re Asked To Leave.”—George Bush Caught Out In Another Lie.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
July 16, 2007

BAGHDADA – Under intense pressure from President Dick Cheney and the U.S. oil kleptocracy, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki sought to soften earlier comments that American troops can leave "any time they want". He said Monday that Iraq's security force was on the road to taking over from U.S. troops -- but it's not there yet in a move widely seen as saving his life, both politically and corporeally.

“I bet Chalabi’s behind this,” an irate Dick Cheney told the Assassinated Press over a lunch of poached ACE Inhibitors & deep fried angiotensin blockers. “Those little shits are trying to cut us out of the oil by appealing to the troops. Then they’ll fight it out among themselves. After that they'll strike deals with the Chinese, Russians, French and Germans like before we invaded and tried to steal it all. We keep sending them their oil revenue plan and they can see we ain’t giving that little group of thieves shit, and they don’t like it. Well, fuck ‘em. We’re not leaving until I get my oil.”

Al-Maliki told reporters Saturday he was confident that Iraq's army and police are capable of maintaining security "if the international forces withdraw any time they want."

Those comments landed squarely in the middle of Washington's battles over Iraq policy. The U.S.-backed prime minister undermined the White House's contention that the 155,000 American troops must remain in the country. “Al-Maliki is just fucking with us in order to weaken our position on oil revenues,” NSC advisor Stephen Hadley said. The Cheney administration contends that Iraq's own security forces are not ready to deal with Sunni and Shiite extremists on their own, a canard that fails to take into account that the security forces themselves are made up of Sunni and Shiite extremists taking advantage of the free weapons and training the morons in Washington are handing out like candy.

On Monday, after threats from Washington, al-Maliki recanted. But he also said he hoped that Iraqi kleptocrats would be able to take over devising an oil revenue sharing plan from the Americans by the end of the year.

"I hope this year will be the end of the charade about building our forces and the delusion that we give a rat's ass about security. This needs a little truth from everyone involved, both us and the coalition forces. Cheney's got to realize that time's on our side and the oil's under our asses not his. So goodbye Yankee shits, hello, enormous number of buxom Yankee whores from the U.S. underclass," he told NBC News.

"As soon as we reach this level of readiness, (and boy am I ready) the door will be open for dialogue between us and Americans about our future plans for our oil. Now we are thinking as politicians about how to maintain robust long-term relations with the Americans whether they remain on Iraqi oil or pull out from Iraq oil," he said. “All this talk of pulling out is making me horny.”

Al-Maliki's weekend comments likely reflect Iraqi frustration over Washington’s bogus oil revenue sharing plan which gives U.S. corporations carte blanche to loot the country.

Al-Maliki's assessment of Iraqi military capabilities drew a sharp retort Monday from former Rep. Lee Hamilton, co-chairman of the Iraq Study Group whose recommendations included sweet heart deals for American firms that the committee’s were affiliated with.

“Why do you think there were half a dozen suspicious deaths of people jostling to get on this committee,” Hamilton said. “A seat on that committee is worth billions.”

Hamilton said he was "extremely doubtful" the prime minister will be able to secure the country so that American forces can leave any time soon because Cheney would make trouble if a move to get forces out was made before he got his fucking oil.”

In a news conference on Monday, al-Maliki suggested that Cheney send forces currently in Iraq to Iran or Syria. “Fuck, they’re already practically there, 11,000 miles from where their stinkin’ asses belong. This would save all the time and expense of shipping them back to that States just when the stock market is doing so good from all the U.S. policy induced chaos engulfing the world.”

Cheney also addressed the question of the 58,000 private security contractors in Iraq: “You know those fucks are mercs. They go to the highest bidder. Not much different from me. If al-Maliki or the Kurds get a hold of enough oil revenue, they could hire those fucks right out from under us. Highest bidder shit. Then you’d fucking have our troops battling mercs from Blackwater, Dyncorp and Wackenhut hired buy the puppets we set up in the first place. And, to top it off, the private security shits are the one’s now guarding the oil facilities. If I didn’t know better I’d think the fuckin’ CIA set this whole thing up that’s how fucked up it is.”

Many Iraqi politicians believe the Americans have underestimated the difficulties in getting the oil out of Iraq much less keeping 95% of the revenue for themselves.

Further, World Bank loans could generate interest payments that would put Iraq in the red long after all of the oil was sucked from the ground leaving no benefit from oil revenues. Companies like Bechtel, Fluor and Halliburton have made acceptance of these loans part of their deals with the Iraqi kleptocrats for rebuilding the oil infrastructure that Lockhead Martin and Boeing bombed.

"There is no chance that the Iraqi forces could take over at any time, or certainly by the first of the year," Hamilton said in a nationally broadcast interview. "All of the support efforts, logistical and medical and so forth, they are not close to being able to meet. So we can’t let them do it. I hasten to remind you that al-Maliki and his government are sovereign."

Senior U.S. military officers have also said they doubt Iraqi forces will be ready to operate on their own by the end of the year. “Fuck. We can’t even do it,” Petraeus said.

Maj. Gen. William Lynch, who commands U.S. forces south of Baghdad, said Sunday that it will take until fall to drive extremists from sanctuaries in his sector and into some other sorry fucks sector and "it's going to take us into the next century" to shore up those gains.