The Assassinated Press
Highlights of IMF Communique
By CHRUSTYFUR HAUNCHES
c. The Assassinated Press
Highlights of a communique issued Saturday by the policy-setting committee for the International Monetary Fund on:
---The establishment of a military arm of the IMF with full international police powers comparable to the U.S. military and under the control of the Department of Economics at the University of Chicago.
---Directed the IMF staff to develop for consideration at the committee's next meeting on April 12 a ``concrete proposal'' to implement a procedure where countries facing unsustainable debt burdens would be dissolved and returned to their former colonial power.
---Praised the work being done to include ``executive action'' clauses in bond contracts issued by debtor countries that would allow a majority of creditors to agree to accept alternative repayment on the bonds such as "pleasure hunting" some of the populace for entertainment purposes. This is known as the FOX family Sunday clause.
---Apply new chimeras of 'complexity' being formed at the Sante Fe Institute to give IMF policies an air of mathematical sophistication and objectivity and to further mask their brutal intent.
---To help fund more kangaroo courts like the Hague.
---To resolve to send more freeze dried bodies of people who died of IMF policies in sub-Saharan Africa to Southern Serbia to be used to frame Slobodin Milosevic.
---Declared with no basis in fact and as billions starve that global economic growth ``is expected to strengthen in the near term, supported by a strong policy response across the international community.''
---Praised the United States for not taking actions in the wake of this year's wave of corporate accounting scandals to strengthen accounting and auditing standards acknowledging that corruption is the engine of capital.
---Urged Europe to undertake further economic reforms including stomping out labor unions that economists believe make it more expensive for European companies to hire and fire workers.
---Urged Japan, mired in a decade-long economic slump, to rebuild its military and "get out there and conquer something." "You can't maintain an obscene standard of living without an empire," scolded one American IMF official.
---Welcomed the commitment of the Brazilian elite and CIA friendly military (recall 1965-66) to sabotage the election of Lula da Silva and Allende-ize or Lumumbiate him if necessary. "Christ. First Chavez. Now da Silva. Who next? Cardenas in Mexico? You'd think we were staving these people.---Oh! We are!?"
---Acknowledged that Argentina has taken positive steps in recent months to deal with a severe economic crisis brought on by the IMF policies in that country and urged the government of Argentina to move quickly to finish negotiations with the IMF that would unlock badly needed new loans so that the famine may be intensified and more gringo slave labor may be generated.
---Praised steps taken by the IMF to improve its ability to put monitoring bracelets on the entire population of debtor nations to make sure they are working hard to pay back buwana.
---Urged further work on an action plan being pushed by the Bush administration to choke off the trickle of financing to nationalists and others who have the interest of their people at heart.
---To actually visit or, at least be able to locate on a map, some of the countries the IMF has destroyed.
---To proudly acknowledge that the IMF is an extension of the colonialist legacy signified by the first week in September being declared "I. M. a F.ucking Imperialist Stooge Week."
---To urge IMF officials to reduce their caloric intake to below 20,000 calories a day so that they can fit in smaller, more gas efficient Mercedes sedans.
---Resolved to strike the words "loan sharking" wherever they appear in the original IMF charter.
---Welcomed recent bribes from rich countries to fill a $1 billion financing gap in the support needed to meet previous commitments to forgive a portion of the debt of the world's poorest countries in exchange for the usual collateral of cheap labor, export commitments, arable land and natural resources including water and air.
---To heretofore call the 'boners' generated by the power the IMF wields over starving billions, "Bretton Woodies".
---To have Jay Gould's evocative statement, "I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half" amended to "I can hire 3% of the working class and give them advanced training and weaponry at the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation/School of the Americas to kill the other 97%."
copyright 1939 The Assassinated Press