The Assassinated Press

US Military to Go With an All-Rapist Volunteer Army.
To Avoid Outside Scrutiny of In-House Rape the Armed Forces to Meet Quotas with Rapists Only.

The Assassinated Press

CAMP FELON, AL ---To avoid outside scrutiny, the Armed Services will begin the process of purging its ranks of any and all service people who do not rape.

Further, all future enlistees must have a proven track record of violent rape and preferably incest.

The Navy and Air Force have expressed confidence in their ability to fill necessary quotas with rapists only.

“We’ve been swelling our officer ranks for years through our military academies. I don’t see a problem,” Brig. Gen. Gregory J. Lengyel, Commandant of Cadets told the Assassinated Press.

“Quotas schmotas,” Navy Captain William Byrne Commandant of Midshipmen told the Assassinated Press. “Our football team circle fucks during half-time to keep up morale. Shit. We got frat boys. Felons. Christians. Football teams. The fuckin' country's crawlin' with rapists.”

The military’s ‘No Non-Rapist Need Apply’ policy will extend across the board to all branches of service.
The Army has purchased 10,000 rape kits which measure the last time an individual has raped someone to insure that no non-rapists using falsified papers such as proof of a criminal record or proof of employment on Wall Street sneak into its ranks.

“Only hard core rapists need apply. That’s our message Army Recruiter Sgt. Stepehn Rojack said. “If you lie to us, well, we’ll rape you.”

There is also talk of implementing a “No-Non Pervert Need Apply’ program for the intelligence community where not only rape but such perversions coprophilia, diaper fetishism, agalmatophilia, anthropophagolagnia, mysophilia, necrophilia, sadism and voyeurism are commonplace if no dominant forms of sexual expression.

“There is an urgent need for rules and commandments that shape our military and intelligence communities conform more to the needs and desires of those which make up the ranks of those communities,” Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel recently told Congress.

“If a majority of our service people find their optimum jizz wank comes through raping a fellow human being, or a farm animal, or even a serving tray of raspberry jello who are we to question these brave young men and women who have sacrificed so much for a Christian God and country.”