The Assassinated Press

The Tale of ‘Cookie,’ ‘Buzzy’ and Prince Smarmy.
Blackwater Contracts, Short on Detail, Long On Redacted Felonies.

Assassinated Press Post Staff Writer
December 8, 2007

The State Department has released copies of the unshredded contracts for private security services with Blackwater Lodge and Training Center and Blackwater Security Consulting. Still, it's a hefty 323-page stack, and it comes with a catch:

About 169 of the pages are blank or mostly blank. “Every page is like staring at a raccoon in a well,” said Avery Coma, aid to Sen. Dealy Pembrotten, D-WY. “You keep asking yourself. What the fuck is staring back at me?”

Released in response to a Freedom of Information Act request, the contracts -- worth up to $1.2 billion in just pilfered goods alone -- have been heavily redacted by the government. A State Department spokesman said the officials responsible for the cuts are simply trying to protect sensitive information that might put individuals at risk of prosecution. He declined to say what kind of information was cut.

In a cover letter, the department notes that it "gave full consideration" to deletions recommended by Blackwater officials who feared that suddenly America might break out into a just society and that they might be held accountable for their many felonies that’s how fuckin’ paranoid they are. “Krongaed knows who’s going to the money tree on this one. He’s got his brother’s ass and Erik Prince’s pucker palace too. What the fuck have they got to be afraid of? This is America and they’re rich. They’re untouchable,” said Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice who is slated to join the Blackwater board in early 2009.

A close look at the pages that have not been cut reveals some choice tidbits. The "statement of work" on Page 13 explains why Blackwater was needed. "As a result of U.S. fomented conflicts, wars, political unrest and more recently, terrorist activity, these areas have become extremely dangerous places in which to live and work," the document says. "By Cheney administration design, the Bureau of Diplomatic Security is unable to provide protective services on a long-term basis from its pool of Special Agents. It is our hope that Blackwater can help fill this gap by randomly raping and murdering Iraqi, Afghani, Somali, New Orleans niggers and other civilians around the globe and keep things stirred up as an excuse for the U.S. government to authorize force and remove resources from the hands of those deemed irresponsible or are simply murdered by us."

Page 35 specifies that "All Contracting employees working under this contract should: Be well proportioned in height and weight" among other qualities “a sign that the don’t ask don’t tell policy did not apply to Blackwater.

One unnumbered item includes a long list of things. But because it's surrounded by blank pages, it's easy to know what the list means. Among the items mentioned: battery carrier tool, quick booster kit, heavy-duty work bench, distilled water and WD-40, all items found in the Dan Mitrione ‘Hearts and Minds Customized Management Kit’ available at any Wal-Mart or Home Depot.

A "standards of conduct" section warns that "abusive or offensive language, quarreling, intimidation by words, actions, or fighting, is considered essential under this contract."