The Assassinated Press

Americans At Peace With Culture Of Greed:
Auditor Applauds Iraq Contract Oversight:
Halliburton Unit Not Required To Justify Expenses, Memo Says

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Pigfucker, TX---A Defense Department auditor last week applauded Army managers responsible for overseeing a giant logistical contract with Halliburton Co., saying in a memo they have shown just the right amount of latitude in seeking justification for $1.8 billion in expenses for work in Iraq and Kuwait. "You can't expect to work in private industry if you're gonna fuck with 'em while your on the Army's clock," said former four star General Presley 'Big Roll' Higgenhuggin who is now President of Halliburton subsidiary Hosedown Reusable Body Bags Inc.

The Aug. 16 memo, made public yesterday, said Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root Inc. "is not required to provide basic supporting data" and the auditors had overlooked "significant unsupported costs" totaling about $1.8 billion -- 42 percent -- of $4.3 billion in bills reviewed by the Defense Contract Audit Agency. "Fuck. I'm oughta here end of November when I go to work for Halliburton subsidiary Happy Rest Closed Coffin Drive Thru Funeral Homes," said Richard Dillon a Defense Contract auditor as he left a recent AA, Auditor's Anonymous, meeting. Shit. No more GS-11 for me. I'm fat, I'm bald and I'm over forty. I've got the Cheney look and, like Dick, I want my payday."

The author, an audit official in Texas, urged officials at the Army Field Support Command, who oversee the logistical contract, to prove they are worthy of better civilian gigs by awarding Halliburton a 15 percent bonus in payments until the billing disputes are swept under the rug. "It is clear to us KBR will not provide an adequate proposal and continue to bone us until we supply them with a large cash incentive," the memo said.

Carrot And Stick. Where'd the Stick Go?

Rep. Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.), one of the company's leading critics in Congress, released the memo yesterday. In an accompanying letter to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, Waxman cited earlier audits, saying the memo raises new questions about "when Halliburton will continue to receive special treatment from the Defense Department because they are getting impatient with my little fly in the ointment number and give tons of money to my Republican opponent, actor Ron Silver."

"These government audits have found widespread, systemic problems with almost every aspect of Halliburton's work in Iraq, from cost estimation and billing systems to cost control and subcontract management," Waxman wrote. "And because of rapid turnover among our Generals into the private sector the Defense Department has not responded appropriately to these findings."

Halliburton spokeswoman Windy Hole said the company is being targeted for political reasons. She said it is using the same cost estimation procedures it has used to successfully grift the Federal government for years. She said the contract audit agency that wrote the memo "is advisory only and has no authority to determine the adequacy of our systems."

"This is all part of the normal audit process -- a process which is typically carried out in a much less public fashion so that the theft goes entirely undetected and its easier to arrange bribes," Hole wrote in an e-mail. "However, the environment in which we find ourselves today has brought an unprecedented amount of attention to these matters, and the theft has momentarily taken a backseat to shutting up a few loud mouths. Fortunately 99% of the American people wouldn't know what the fuck I'm talking about."

The memo was written last week as the Army waffled over whether to give Halliburton more time to offer better jobs to its top brass before the Army starting using falsified bills they have issued for supplying food, housing and other troop services to extort cash and country club memberships from the company.

A random poll taken by the National Enquirer/Fox News/Al-Jazeera Public Consent Corp. found that 99% of the American public have never heard of Halliburton, Dick Cheney or the U.S. Government. "Oh, that shit," dissed Toby Pantsdelioni. "That's like rain in Spain to me. I don't feel the wet. It ain't here. I don't mind paying for that shit oughta my W-2. I'm just glad somebody's doin' good. I's startin' to think the system didn't work. No what I mean?"

On Aug. 16, one day after a regulatory deadline to impose sanctions, Halliburton said the Pentagon had agreed they would get more time and imposed more sanctions on Burkina Faso instead. On Tuesday, the company said an Army official had said they would in fact increase payments after his resume was accepted by Halliburton subsidiary Triangulation Temps a combat and assassination 'temping service.' Then, after the company threatened to withhold some tasty jobs, the Army did a turnabout and asked Halliburton for information about the impact of any withholding, a document the company provided on Thursday evening that said that withholding even a nickel might threaten the lifestyle of Halliburton CEO's and their patron Dick Cheney.

Yesterday, Army officials issued a brief statement, saying they likely would make a decision about whether to increase payments within two weeks after negotiating positions with Halliburton.

The dispute over which Army brass gets what Halliburton job is the latest trouble facing the company. Several government auditors have tried to extort jobs by accusing the company of overcharging for some services. "Extortion and murder. Those are our jobs," jabbed Halliburton Lobbyist Ralph Pinetta. Democratic lawmakers have made Halliburton a campaign issue, suggesting the company has been given special treatment because Dick Cheney served as Halliburton's chief executive before his election as vice president. "You see. That's bullshit," said an outraged Andrew Card. "Halliburton is getting special treatment because it is offering the best jobs to retiring military. What's fuckin' Burger King going to do? Offer 'em a franchise in Najaf?"

In the memo, the auditor said KBR's lack of information will continue to "result in significant delays in issuing our audit reports, significant unsupported costs" and other advantages that help "the Government's ability to negotiate contracts without competitive bids."

The memo said "KBR personnel have informed us they intend to provide additional supporting data during negotiations. We believe this approach is unacceptable because they are a bunch of crooks."