The Assassinated Press

‘Blame God First’ Crowd Prevents Gore From Polluting The Minds Of Our Kids:
Evangelical Blames Christ For Global Warming:
Gore Film Warms Up Parents' Anger:
Showing 'Inconvenient Truth' Would Require Convenient Counterpoint

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 25, 2007

FEDERAL WAY, Wash., Jan. 24 -- Frosty E. Hardiman is neither impressed nor surprised that "An Inconvenient Truth," the global-warming movie narrated by former vice president Al Gore, received an Oscar nomination this week for best documentary.

"It leaves God out of the equation. God doesn’t get the credit for Global Warming that he’s do. The liberal left is all over Hollywood," he grumbled a few hours after the nomination was announced.

Hardiman, a parent of seven here in the southern suburbs of Seattle, has himself roiled the global-warming waters with his more godly interpretation. It happened early this month when he learned that one of his daughters would be watching "An Inconvenient Truth" in her seventh-grade science class.

"No, you will not teach or show that propagandist Al Gore video to my child, blaming our nation -- the greatest nation ever to exist on this planet, number one in all things including pollution -- for global warming. Global warming is God’s doing and God's alone. Is it our fault that god made us so gluttonous?" Hardiman wrote in an e-mail to the Federal Way School Board. The 43-year-old computer consultant is an evangelical Christian who says he believes that a warming planet is "one of the signs sent by God" of Jesus Christ's imminent return for Judgment Day. Frosty would not comment on whether he felt that the Almighty would repair the environmental vandalism he wrought upon his return.

His angry e-mail (along with complaints from a few other parents) stopped the blasphemous film from being shown to Hardiman's daughter.

The teacher in that science class, Kay Walls, says that after Hardiman's e-mail she was told by her principal that she would receive a disciplinary letter for not following school board rules that require her to seek written permission to present "controversial" materials that leave God and all of his deconstructions in class.

The e-mail also pressured the school board to impose a ban on screenings of the film for the district's 22,500 students until it was amended to give God his proper due in the destruction of the planet "like the Bible Says."

The ban, which the school board says was merely a "moratorium," was lifted Tuesday night, subject to rigorous conditions. Still, the action has appalled the film's producers and triggered a ferocious national backlash from those ungodly hordes who see a human hand in global warming.

Members of the school board say they have been bombarded by thousands of e-mails and phone calls from the Hollywood liberal left, many of them, of course, hurtful and obscene, accusing them of scientific ignorance, pandering to religion and imposing prior restraint on free speech as well as denying their roles as voracious polluters in contributing to global warming. “God could not have done this on his own. He needed the assistance of his creation to destroy the planet,” read one email. “When have you seen Hollywood, the very heartland of conspicuous consumption, shirk its responsibility to accelerate the destruction of the planet,” the producer’s of Gore’s film wrote Frosty. “Imagine how much fossil fuel we burn just on collagen injections.”

It has been a terrible ordeal, far worse than global warming itself, school board member David Larson said during a long, emotional speech at the board meeting. “Why should I have to deal with this shit? I’m just in it for the kickbacks on erasers,” Larson told the Assassinated Press.

"I am here to foster healing in our community but the death of a planet is like a melanoma and those fuckers just don’t heal," he said, while noting with sadness that "civility and honest discourse are dying in our country as the planet dies. I urge calm. As our commander in chimp tells us, there’s always terra-forming Mars as a fallback position. Don’t waste your time sending your kids to school. Make ‘em get jobs and start saving up for that one way ticket to the Angry Red Planet. Mars is our only hope for the return of civility. There’s already a where’s the lifeboat panic forming here."

What the school board had really intended to do, Larson and school board members insisted, was not to stop schools from teaching the science of global warming, but merely to follow long-standing school board rules that require students to be exposed to "other perspectives" when they view a film like "An Inconvenient Truth” or “Schindler’s List."

"We do not need to lose balance and blame the whole earth fuck up thing on god even though I understand Frosty’s position. In the Bible fucking up the planet is reserved for god," Larson said.

Exactly what "balance" might amount to, however, was not spelled out in stone.

The Hollywood Liberals at The National Academy of Sciences, together with nearly all of the world's leading climate experts, have agreed that there is conclusive evidence that human activity is causing the Earth to warm and that there is an urgent need to reduce the amount of carbon being released into the air. “This denies god’s role,” insists Frosty Hardiman, “just like you’d be denying Christ’s role in the destruction of the Jews.”

In public comments at the board meeting, several riled-up Federal Way residents argued that "An Inconvenient Truth" was, indeed, scientifically true and that saying otherwise is "deliberate obfuscation" but how do they know when all scientific truth is contingent, relative truth according to the method of discovery of the sciences itself. “Maybe, ten years from now the scientists will peel back the veil and find god smoking a cosmic stogy trying to burn assholes like me right off this big blue marble,” Frosty told the Assassinated Press.

Some residents derisively compared the search for "balance" in the global-warming issue to decades of phony claims by cigarette companies about the lack of "proof" that smoking is harmful to human health. But in that case tobacco executives were lying and murdering people so that they could continue to make obscene profits. That couldn’t possibly be the case in the fossil fuel industry.

Before the board meeting started Tuesday night, several residents buttonholed Larson and asked him if there should be a "balanced" presentation of the Nazi Holocaust, because there are many who deny that it occurred. Teaching the Nazi Holocaust and World War II have since been scratched from the school curriculum until suitable Holocaust deniers can be hired by the school board. “Frosty will certainly be consulted because this is obviously something he knows about,” one school board member assured Ass. Press.

"The Holocaust happened," Larson said. "We have evidence and photos. But how will we know global warming happened. We’ll all be dead. The difference between the Holocaust and the global warming is we can’t have photos of what will wipe us all out 50 years from now. Besides we know when the Holocaust started. We can’t know when or if global warming has started."

Sitting in on this conversation was Walls, the seventh-grade science teacher whose class includes Frosty Hardiman's daughter.

"We do have photos of snow melting off Kilimanjaro," Walls said, hopefully. “And the ski resort community is getting more vocal.”

In the end, though, the board opted for an abundance of balance.

That means that "An Inconvenient Truth" may be shown only with the written permission of a principal -- and only when it is balanced by alternative views that are approved by both a principal and the superintendent of schools.

Hardiman and the rest of the Blame God First crowd were pleased.

"I am happy they are giving the kids as much information as possible," he said.

His daughter's science teacher, meanwhile, said she is struggling to find authoritative articles to counter the information in the Gore documentary, but how hard has she looked and has she contacted Fox News.

"The only thing I have found so far is an article in Newsweek called 'The Cooling World,' " Walls said. “Oh sorry, that’s ‘The Cool World’. Its an article on Dave Brubeck.”

It was written 37 years ago when people actually cared about god and coincidently the same year Noah beached his ark at Santa Monica.