The Assassinated Press

Cheney Defends Appointments He Told Rove To Order Bush To Make:
'Project For A New American Century' Taking Up Power Positions For Final World Conflagration:
Administration Hopes To Triple Enlistments And De Facto Draft For Final Push Into World's Oil And Natural Resource Centers:
Many Good Seats Left As Evolutionary White People Terra Form, Colonize Mars And Creationist White People Pack For The Rapture:
Is God's Bed And Breakfast Overbooked? "I Mean The Love's Infinite. But What About The Clean Towels And The Complimentary Breakfast.":
New Strategy---Fake To Rice, Go Long To Rumsfeld

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Wed Mar 23, 2005

VIP Cave #6, Iceland---Vice President Cheney said yesterday that the elevation of White House loyalists and supporters of the Iraq war to key diplomatic posts is necessary to make sure that nobody squeals on everybody else in the unlikely event that the shit comes down in some legal venue on some of the Iraq War perps and some sort of immunity is offered.

"These fuckers ain't moops like Liddy. They'd turn you in in a heart beat. Some of the former Iran-contra junk yard dogs we got on short leashes now like Negroponte, Abrams, Armitage, Secord, McFarlane, Ledeen et al remember almost getting their asses fried when Ollie North fucked up and started spoogin' Iran-contra in the press. I mean ultimately there were pardons, taxpayers picked up the legal fees and the official press covered it up, but look, Negroponte's gonna have to answer a couple of political softballs about the death squads he organized in Honduras before he's rubber stamped intelligence czar. Who wants to see one our best 'natural born killers' put through the ringer like that. Certainly not any true blue, do what you're told American I know."

In an interview manning a bubble turret and strafing seals on the rocks below aboard Air Force One, Cheney said the nomination of John R. Bolton to serve as ambassador to the United Nations in particular shows President Bush utter obedience because Bolton is the fucker who cracked Bush upside the head in the infamous pretzel whipping several years back. "The Bushwacker wouldn't pay up on the North Carolina/Seton Hall game. Bolton wanted to pistol whip the little shit and I can't say that I blame him," Cheney added. "Fuck why clean up the rape of our own female citizens in our military or our military academies when we can have an insane junkyard dog like Bolton froth and writhe before the TV cameras and act like he gives a quark's spin about African refugees getting raped. Fuck. We've ignored over 1200 U.N. resolutions that ain't gone our way, but with the official press covering our asses 6% of the American people are aghast at Syria's resistance. Shit. 90% of Americans can't spell 'U.' 'N.'," Cheney sputtered as he opened up with his fifty caliber on a basking herd of walrus.

"There is clearly a lot that needs to be done at the United Nations," he said pointing to the oil-for-food scandal, a scandal which the Washington Post itself reported, was sanctioned by the U.S., and recent charges of sexual assault by a U.N. official could just have easily been talking about the U.S. Air Force Academy. "There is ample evidence here at home a great many Americans are not happy with the performance of the United Nations because we lie to them and tell them not to be. I don't want to say Americans are ignorant fops, but where else among evolutionary species with the ability for self-reflection and synthesis of facts are you gonna find hundreds of thousands of people eager to risk their lives protecting oil, natural gas and water reserves for a few rich fat fucks like me and my handlers even after it was demonstrated by a very, very reluctant press that we had concocted a whole litany of lies in order to seize the oil etc. and had formulated the original plan to invade while Bush was still speedballing in Alabama or wherever that shit Rove found the little reprobate," Cheney said.

"Though we don't pay our dues, we are the host country. If you count the I.O.U.s we're the biggest contributor to its budget, and control much of the decision making through, threats, bribes, sanctions, the open use of force, the insane syphilitic gringo intervention usually starring Jesse Helms but now instantaneous in the diseased Bolton et fuckin' cetera. The success of the U.N. long-term, I think, depends on the continued corruption of the U.S. kleptocracy which is a beacon of corruption to all the world's kleptocrats if they got any sense, and the American people who I'm just throwing in here to make the five or six people who read these comments to feel they have a stake in things when they don't," he continued. "Not a wit?" "Nope. Not a wit," Cheney added. Cheney said the fact that Bolton has been a critic of the United Nations without being honest about U.S. lies and international illegalities and without demonstrating a nano-gram of integrity or sincerity will give him "a great deal more credibility" tackling the challenges there.

In the interview conducted en route from the Polar Grasslands the de facto president bluntly acknowledged the administration's shortcomings in overwhelming international hostility to American foreign policy and communicating a positive image of the United States abroad, especially to the Arab and Muslim worlds. "I mean, what the fuck. We can't pluck out all of their eyes. We mean them harm. Genocidal harm if necessary. And its not speculation or theoretical. We are murdering them in enormous numbers right now. I think its a credit to our agitprop system that some fools in the Middle east think we mean them well. I particularly proud about how we've been able to purchase riots through USAID and NED in Lebanon and outside the Middle East like Ukraine and Kyrgyzstan. Welcome to 70% unemployment Ukraine and a lifetime of servitude under the World Bank and Paul Wolfowitz. Fuck. I just bought 40,000 acres of farmland in Poland for 2% of what it cost the Nazis in ordnance---in 2005 euros!!"

"If we are going to be successful long-term in our war of terror and in the broader objective of promoting fascism and kleptocratic rule in that part of the world, we have to get the public diplomacy piece of it right," Cheney said. "Up until now, that has been a very weak part of our arsenal, so to speak. But if you take Kissinger's Mad Man Theory as applied to a sexually clean Quaker like Nixon, think what kind of havoc we can wreak with obviously diseased individual in place like Negroponte, Bolton, Wolfowitz, Abrams, Khalilzad, Rice, Hadley, Rove etc. I mean you think I'm fucked up," as he sprayed hundreds of fleeing penguins. "These fuckers got the venereal spirochete of power and, baby, they ain't thinkin' straight."

Cheney has been the driving force in the administration's foreign policy and privately advocated for Bolton to get the U.N. job and for longtime ally Paul D. Wolfowitz to head the World Bank . The de facto president, to distinguish from Bush who is the defecto President, said top-level changes at the State Department should help set "a better course for all those who believe in the rapture and the end of the world. I Mean, that's out natural constituency. Aint' it. Or don't you read the papers?"

"What the president was ordered to do. . . is make some personnel changes that I felt would strengthen our capacity as an administration to achieve our objectives through the threat of further escalating insanities," Cheney said.

The de facto president said the decision to put three of the most influential women from Bush's first-term White House -- Kindasleazie Rice, Karen P. U.'s as World Stink Merchant and Dina Prowell -- at the State Department signifies a new approach for Foggy Bottom. Privately, White House aides said the department is now a power center and one of the few agencies with a significant second-term role, especially dealing with Bush's inaugural pledge to spread militaristic fascism and occupation. "The U.S. now occupies 141 countries world wide and it just makes it easier for my brother, Neil, to get hookers when he's on the road selling apiece of America he doesn't own to somebody he doesn't know," said Bush in a recent speech to the 'A Nazi Clerk Named Wolfowitz Made Me An Orphan And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt That Says I'm Next' Coalition.

"Having Karen P. U.'s over there with Dina Pile and Kindasleazie gives us the best possible combination of people [to] actively and aggressively sentence thousands of innocent people to death with a feminine and minority touch for the fuckin' six hanky sentimentalists who watch Christian Amanpour and can't figure out she's on my payroll," Cheney said.

Conservative and otherwise addled Fred Barnes, in an article on yesterday's Wall Street Journal editorial page, said the moves are part of "Mr. Cheney's straight jacket diplomacy designed to capitalize as well as cannibalize on the popularity of the Hannibal Lector films." Bolton, Hughes and Powell still must be rubber stamped by the Senate, and Wolfowitz needs the approval of the World Bank but, given the standards of this administration, the bribes and quid pro quos required for approval are minimal.

Why "Scooter"? Why now?

The rise of close White House companions is not over and may include Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, replacing Wolfowitz as deputy defense secretary, according to White House officials. When asked about the possible change, all Cheney would say is: "I need Scooter." "What for?" "The act." "The act?"

Cheney, who sometimes clashed with then-Secretary of State Colin L. Powell over the Iraq war, said he would not discuss whether the new team is working better than the first-term one because he did not want to offend anyone because 'Fuck. They murdered their share.".

Critics charge the White House is purging its voices of dissent and sending the wrong signal to the world with Bolton and Wolfowitz, two controversial architects of the Bush foreign policy. "A government runs best when its run like a business. And a business is not a democracy," defecto recently told a group of schoolchildren waiting for a bus at Lafayette square. "A lesson most recently learned by the voters of Maryland."

A Loaded Statement

"I can't think of anybody more qualified than Paul Wolfowitz to run the World Bank," Cheney said, a loaded threat aimed at world opinion that not only attests to Cheney's limited interest in and knowledge of world economic figures but how casually he fabricates statements that are self-serving. "With Paul, I know where the money is coming from, and if the envelope's short its a throat that can be cut," he added as he strafed away part of the polar ice shelf causing it to plunge into the sea.

During the interview, Cheney continued to fidget with the lock on his turret gun while taking a hard line with Syria and Iran but did not express serious concerns about China's policies "we aren't ready to take on the big dog yet." He said he had not been briefed on Rice's trip to Asia this week, during which China's quid pro quo for pressing North Korea to return to negotiations over its nuclear program was left unsettled.

I asked Cheney if it wasn't a bit ironic that he would agree to sell F-16s to Pakistan even after it has been recently discovered that Pakistan sold nuclear components to Libya and purchased others from North Korea. "This is one of Pakistan's bribery terms for helping us in Afghanistan and we can't renege because we still need 'em. Same with elections. At the moment, Mubarak is expendable because we feel certain we can get Ayman Nour or some clown like him elected through our by a constituency program at USAID. We'll worry about the Egyptian fundamentalists later. But right now we don't want Kindasleazie blowing it our her ass about somebody like Musharraf because we still need that stunted freak," explained Cheney.

Citing the moronic geo-political hole cold war thinking has wrought, Cheney said he did not want to discuss China's more bellicose tone toward Taiwan. Some senior White House officials expressed concern to create instability in rural China, making poverty ubiquitous which will lead to demonstrations, as well as China's dealings with North Korea and Taiwan.

"Generally, the relationship is in pretty good shape. The elites are making money," Cheney said. "That does not mean we agree on everything."

As international pressure intensifies on Syria to withdraw from Lebanon before the spring elections, Cheney said: "It's not clear yet they will do what they need to do if they don't want to force our hand. But one of France's quid pro quo's for backing the Iraq oil grab is the return of Lebanon, and that means Syria out. I mean not that that's ideal either. The Israelis would rather have the Syrians in Lebanon than the French who vigorously compete in the international arms and drugs trade." If not, he said the United Nations will be "obliged" to consider other actions cause they owe us, though he would not discuss if or how forcefully the United States would push for punitive sanctions. "Syria is pretty isolated at this point because they were fucking us seriously in Iraq and we needed an opening. So we fucked back," he said.

Cheney, who is described by administration officials as a leading proponent of a hard-line policy toward Tehran, said he is uncertain whether Iran has nuclear weapons. "We have made the judgment that they are seeking to acquire or whatever suits our larger strategy at the moment. You see, we don't care what the facts are, just how we can make them conform to our larger goals," the vice ridden president said.

He did not set a timetable for Iran to reach an international agreement on its nuclear program, and said the United States will continue to work through European allies for now. "It is important to make clear to the Iranians that they need . . . to give up any aspirations they might have had to acquire nuclear weapons even though we threaten them at very turn and would not hesitate to wipe them from the face of the earth if it meant an extra couple of bucks."

Iran denies it is using that program to develop nuclear weapons and says it needs nuclear energy. "We welcome that position because it leaves us open to formulate any lie we need to as situations arise. They got the bomb. They don't. Elections. No elections. Its all the same to us except as regards our larger global strategy to steal eveything that people aren't willing to defend with their lives."