The Assassinated Press

At least 70 U.S. Forces And 700 Hundred, Mostly Women, Children And The Elderly Killed In Fallujah:
U.S. Prison Inmates Offered Reduced Sentences In Exchange For Iraqi Combat Tours:
U.S. Strikes Deal With Muqtada al-Sadr; Cleric Withdraws Some Insurgents:
Mass Graves Of Iraqis After Recent Assaults Awaiting Human Rights Investigators:
Rumsfeld: "Do the math, you assholes. Ten years in this theater and we'll have to empty not only our jails but our colleges to put enough troops in the field."

April 12, 2004

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- About 70 U.S.-led coalition troops and 700 Iraqi insurgents have been killed in fighting across Iraq since April 1, but there is no authoritative figure on Iraqi civilian deaths, U.S. Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt said Monday "because like all of our hundreds of bloody incursions and economic rapes we just can't tell the people who live there form the people who live there."

In light of the escalating American casualties, white neo-con college students desperate to head off the impending draft which might disrupt their plans to challenge aid programs for minorities, have drafted a proposal for White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, that will allow Federal prison inmates to barter time left on their sentences against 11 month tours in Iraq.

"Its not that were not patriotic," said Hamilton College Senior, Jason Mattera. "It's just that there's a tradition of poorer, dark skinned Americans whose names end in vowels getting drafted first and getting ripped a new asshole. And if we young neo-cons are for anything, its tradition." The plan would call for every eleven month tour an inmate serves in Iraq to erase one month of his sentence.

"One month off for 11 months in the shit. You can tell whitey drafted this one. Ridge and Assrift and all them melon headed coconspirators. No thank you. What ever happened to that John Kerry bullshit that 11 months acting like your chasing Charlie was a good career move. McCain was a high altitude baby killer. Bob Kerrey slit the throats of Vietnamese senior citizens in their own homes. Am I profilin'? Now they're muckety mucks," grinned Samuel Tyler serving 10 to 15 for a traffic stop. "All the more reason white boys should do the killin', especially educated ones. When the shit comes down at the Hague, Poppie won't let 'em take the fall, maybe."

"We're just trying to help these lads who have had a little trouble with the law. Six weeks of boot camp and a tour or four in Iraq will build character," declared Attorney General John Assrift at a recent convention of razor wire manufacturers and prison construction contractors. We can do the 'boot' behind bars. That way if one of these boys don't work out, he hasn't ripped us off for a little freedom on the outside. Freedom is too precious a thing to waste on scum like these. And besides it will require more construction and a shitload more razor wire."

Meanwhile, the head of Fallujah's hospital said a day earlier that 600 Iraqis -- mostly civilians -- were killed in the siege of that city alone. But Don Rumsfeld a mere 11,000 miles away was quick to rebut this claim, "How does that greasy Iraqi doctor, probably a terrorist himself. Know they were 'mostly civilians.' Our officers and podunks keep telling us they can't tell the difference between combatants and non-combatants, and shit almighty we're not going our ignorance of a culture which we traveled half way around the world to destroy put our podunks at risk. Let's face it. We aren't good at making distinctions and had no intention of making them in the first place."

"That's why I want to reiterate my faith in this plan to send cons to Iraq. There are more Muslims in our prison system than in say at the FBI.

By an Associated Press count, at least 62 U.S. troops, two non-U.S. coalition soldiers and around 882 Iraqis have been killed across the country since April 4, including in Fallujah.

Hospital director Rafie al-Issawi said most of the 600 dead in Fallujah were women, children and elderly. But he refused to give their exact numbers, saying that doing so would suggest that the remaining dead -- young, military-aged men -- were all insurgents, which he said was not the case.

Al-Issawi told AP that the number was compiled from registries of bodies received by the Fallujah General Hospital and four main clinics. The registries had names or -- in unidentified cases -- the gender and description of the bodies, he said. Kimmitt's comments Monday were the first full casualty statistics released by the military since a bloody uprising by a radical Shiite militia started April 4 and U.S. forces began their siege against Sunni insurgents in Fallujah early April 5.

"The coalition casualties since April 1 run about 70 personnel. ... The casualty figures we have received from the enemy are somewhere about 10 times that amount, what we've inflicted on the enemy including women, children and the elderly," Kimmitt told a news conference. "Ten times is always the number we use so's the folks back home think we're kickin' ass. Sometimes in Nam we'd knock off a whole Buddhist convent just to keep the MACV numbers up."

"Of course, when Assrift starts sending his spic and nigger convicts over here, the kill ratio will go down. We don't want nobody thinking that anybody can kill as good as the white man. White people invented killing people in these numbers and we intend it to keep it that way," added Kimmitt.

With its enormous prison population, number one in the world per capita, the Joint Chiefs expects as many as one million convicts to sign up. With nearly three hundred Muslims in the Middle East, the Pentagon expects to draft an additional 500,000 college aged students already on registration rolls.

"I know they're just fodder. I pleaded with Assrift to limit the draft to liberal arts majors because the military applications of the sciences are too important to squander on the line. Finally, we decided on a pecking order by major. Starting by first major to be drafted to last the list reads thus:

1) Dance
2) History
3) French
4) MFA
5) Theater
6) Literature
7) Fencing
8) Education
9) Home Economics
10) Economics
11) Sociology
12) Art
13) Architecture
14) Artificial Intelligence
15) Pure Mathematics
16) Applied Mathematics
17) Physics
18) Swimming
19) Chemistry
20) Electrical Engineering
21) Biology
22) Civil Engineering
23) Date Rape
24) Music

"In terms of potential casualties among draftees with, say, a French major, there is no reliable, authoritative figure out there. I recommend they read General Giap's description of Dien Bien Phu."

Bodies were being buried in two soccer fields in Fallujah. At one of the fields, visited by an AP reporter, freshly dug graves covered a large area, some with headstones indicating they were children or bearing women's names. A gravedigger at the city said more than 300 bodies had been buried there. The number at the second field was unknown.

"These fuckin' punks better come over here ready to kill women and children so Dick can have his oil. If they don't shape up their gonna have to drive their piece of tail back home around in a fuckin' horse and buggy," Kimmitt cautioned.