The Assassinated Press

Christ Denied Healing to Those Who Couldn’t Pay.
Archaeologists Discover Scrolls at Ancient Dead Sea Company Headquarters.
Blue Crosstic Gospels Shed New Light on Health Care Debate.
Ledger With Matthew as Comptroller Records Each Miracle and Amount Charged.
Jesus Had Controlling Interest in Largest Health Care Provider in the Roman Empire.
"How do you think the Pope got the big hat?"

The Assassinated Press

This story is told in Matthew 15:22-26: A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession." Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us." He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel." The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said. He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs." Coverage denied!

In a new archaeological find in the Permanentus region of ancient Judea it turns out ‘Canaanite’ or more broadly ‘Gentile’ was a term commonly used to designate a person diagnosed with a “pre-existing condition” by Christ and his followers as they went about the land healing the sick. Such individuals were denied coverage under the guidelines in a new set of rules set out on ancient scrolls which are half Christian gospel and half health care contract. Even paying for a premium policy called 'The Chosen' was not enough to guarantee coverage if a pre-existing condition was suspected.

The scrolls, some 1500 in all, are proof positive that Christ only performed miracles of healing based on the patients ability to pay and/or their ethnicity. The contract in the scrolls explicitly states that the patient is required to present proof that the disease that he or she suffers from does not represent a pre-existing condition. The list of pre-conditions is long and comprehensive including leprosy, bulemia, fecal envy, toad reaper, wild Corsican hemotomas, foot loose air hinge, pre-mature hallelujeahs, prophecy fatigue and witch piles.

Also, the scrolls reveal that after treatment Christ's disciples would work the crowd asking for donations probably in an effort to stay off the books and avoid Roman tax law. Some scholars however claim the Christians were pickpockets.

Comptroller Matthew kept meticulous records of each healing and Mary Magdeline was in charge of billing and collection according to the scrolls.

Also, according to the scrolls Christ’s disciples were divided into advance teams led by the apostles who would flood a city where Christ was scheduled to appear. There they would cold call all the inhabitants pitching insurance plans to them. Those who signed up and paid their premiums in the form of a tithe were declared insured.

Christ would then blow into town with his light show and pyrotechnics and his motivational speeches. After preaching and after his disciples carefully checked the insured’s records they were deemed worthy of divine coverage or not. Gentiles, the illegals of their time, were routinely excluded from divine coverage. Being a Gentile was a 'pre-existing condition.' The chosen then would be further screened for pre-existing conditions other that 'coronary gentileness' like blindness and leprosy. After careful and thorough screening, the few left would then be sent to Christ for healing.

The Savior led company became so successful that Christ branched out and according to The Blue Crosstic Gospels “He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness based on ability to pay, no gentiles and no pre-existing conditions.”

Coverage was also divided into categories of payment with the highest category being designated as “The Chosen.” Obviously, Lazarus had the company's premium policy.

Among the records kept by Matthew in the Blue Crosstic Scrolls we see these notations:
(dinarii represent out of pocket costs beyond what plan would pay)

· Healing of a nobleman's son --- 600 dinarii, and a bridge loan of 2000 dinarii

· Delivering a man in the synagogue from demonic spirits --- 275 dinari

· Healing Peter's mother-in-law --- denied, not covered under plan due to age

· Cleansing a leper -- coverage denied, leprosy considered a pre-existing condition

· Healing a paralytic – coverage denied – pre-existing condition

· Healing of the man at Bethesda – coverage denied, policy expired

· Healing a man with a withered hand – coverage denied, policy had not taken affect by date illness was diagnosed

· Healing the Centurion's servant – denied, servant was in country illegally

· Raising the widow's son – 4000 dinarii and two asses

· Casting out a dumb and blind spirit – coverage denied – illness not covered in patient’s policy

· Healing a man possessed by demons at Gadara – 1600 dinarii

· Healing a woman with an issue of blood – denied, experimental procedure

· Raising Jairus' daughter – 3200 dinarii and daughter

· Healing of two blind men – denied, pre-existing condition of blindness/experimental procedure

· Casting out a spirit – denied, [no reason given]

· Healing a deaf and dumb man – 1400 dinarii and the deed to his ranch

· Healing the blind man of Bethsaida – denied pre-existing condition

· Casting demons out of a lunatic boy – pro bono, miracle performed on Jerry Springer

· Healing a man born blind – denied, see above

· Healing a woman with an 18-year infirmity – denied, tests inconclusive, pre-existing conditions

· Healing a man with dropsy (or edema) – 1250 dinarii

· Raising Lazarus – 6700 dinarii

· Cleansing of ten lepers – group plan denied, members of Leper’s Union 313

· Healing blind Bartimeaus – denied (see above)

· Cursing the fig tree – Jesus having a nervous breakdown, talking to foliage not covered

· Healing of Malchus' ear – denied, [no reason given]

Republican congressman and other shills for the insurance industry have leapt on this discovery claiming that it proves that Christ himself was against universal healthcare.

“You have to admit, the evidence is compelling,” John Boehner (pronounced boner) congressman from the 8th District of Ohio which encompasses Choke a Chicken, Ohio, the county’s seat. “Christ was clearly for profit and Mary Magdalene was a dental hygienist he met when he went to get some bridge work done.”

Kaiser Permanente CEO, George Halvorson, was more sanguine: “We know born again Christians are unanimously against health care reform and now we know their hatred of the Obama plan is consistent with their beliefs and the beliefs of their Lord and Savior. End of discussion.”