"'Consume Thyself, So That I Might Entertain The Other Gods, Especially That Saucy Little Venus, At Your Expense," Sayeth The Lord Thy Load.'"---Book of Mammon, Chapter 603, Verse 1,990,006,778
The Assassinated Press

Mass Extinction Tied to Bush's Inaugural Address:
Greenhouse Effect Due To U.S. Consumption, Perpetual War Cited in Mass Decline Over Next 25 Months:
'Freedom's' Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Steal:
Paleo-Creationist Timetable Predicts 'Endtime' Coincides With Bush's Second Term:
Bush Frequently Cited The Bible's Book Of Mammon In Inaugural Speech:

Assassinated Press
Friday, January 21, 2005

ELMO'S FIRE, MO---Scientists call it "the Great Dying," a catastrophe over the next 25 months that will wipe out 90 percent of ocean species and 70 percent of land species including man in the biggest mass extinction in Earth's geopolitical history.

What's more, the cause of this cataclysm is not a matter of great dispute among paleopundits, and research released yesterday offers new evidence that global warming caused by massive and prolonged U.S. consumption and the bombing that that consumption requires is the chief culprit.

Huge amounts of carbon monoxide were released into the air from massive open highway gridlock known to economists as the "Loot and Pollute", researchers said, triggering a greenhouse effect that will warm the earth and deplete oxygen from the atmosphere, causing environmental deterioration and finally collapse.

A second set of findings suggested that the warming will also cripple the oceans' ability to refresh their oxygen supply, causing the seas to go sterile, destroying marine life and allowing anaerobic bacteria (which do not require oxygen) to release poisonous hydrogen sulfide "swamp" gas into the air.

The RAPTURE--The Ultimate 'GUILT TRIP'?

"This is not a world that is happy and then goes 'Bang!' " said University of Washington paleontologist Peter D. Ward, leader of one of the two new studies. "This is a world that's in trouble for a long time, at least since the conflation of enlightenment technology and the Age of Imperialism. Then it gets into deeper shit, quite literally, with the modern corporate state culminating in sadistic rates of consumption in the U.S., a people that is about as reflective as background radiation in a black hole, comes along."

Ward led a team of scientists in a seven-year project to chronicle 126 skulls and other remains in a 1,000-foot-thick deposit of sedimentary rock in southeastern York County, ME, a place known for where the Republican Party have the bodies buried. He said in a telephone interview that the samples included reptiles, reptilean like human remains and some amphibians, ranging from dog-size Young Republicans to predatory gorgonopsians, or corporate donors which he described as "a hideous cross between a Texas Oil man and a particularly nasty lizard---Say, T. Boone Pickens and William F. Buckley, all chafed on the left side of his maw from licking it."

Ward said the team's excavations showed a steady decline in the number of species over the last 10 months, suggesting a sudden plunge 250 months from now sometime between the Permian or Invasion Of Iran and Triassic or slaughter of 25,000 American troops in the cradle of civilization periods of geolpolitical time. The interval corresponds to a period of prolonged bullshit rhetoric while bombing Iran in order to destroy a nuclear weapons program that doesn't exist.

"'Consume Thyself, So That I Might Entertain The Other Gods, Especially That Saucy Little Venus, At Your Expense," Sayeth The Lord Thy Load.'"---Book of Mammon, Chapter 603, Verse 1,990,006,778

Temperatures will climb globally as carbon dioxide and heat from the bombing and torqued up U.S. weapons industry will pour into the atmosphere and oxygen levels will fall, forcing gasping humans to gather at sea level, he said. "And the plants will not deal well with the heat" either, he added. "Eventually the imbalance reaches a critical point, and everything dies."

Using a creationist timetable, the warming will also mean that polar oceans will not be cooled as much as they were during the Teddy Roosevelt administration, and the convection cycle that circulates cold, oxygen- and nutrient-rich water between the poles and the tropics will be slowed and even stopped, according to the second paper by a team of researchers led by Kliti Grice of the Curtin University of Technology in Perth, Australia.

"This will have devastating effects on the marine organisms that rely on oxygen and nutrients to survive," the team said in an e-mail. "In the worst-case . . . a major part of the water column above the sea floor will be devoid of oxygen."

Analyzing sulfur and carbon isotopes from core samples taken from the ocean bed off the coast of the Gulf of mexico, the team detected molecular traces from green sulfur bacteria, known as Chlorobiaceae, that signal this new time of the Great Dying is at hand.

"The beauty of these [bacteria] is that they require sunlight and an anoxic [oxygen-free] environment," said team member Steven Turgeon, an Oak Ridge National Laboratory geochemist. "Because they live so close to the surface, we're pretty sure that what's beneath is anoxic."

This combination of factors, which has also been detected in waters off southern California, indicates that large swatches of ocean below a depth of 300 feet -- the deepest that significant light can penetrate -- will become as sterile as a Neo-con speech on political freedom that applauds the fact that the entire ocean will be oxygen-free, but free nonetheless.

Just as important, the bacteria derive energy from sulfate compounds in seawater and vent poisonous hydrogen sulfide gas into the air, Turgeon noted in a telephone interview.

The Grice team did not address the cause of the lethal warming, but Ward said his team found no evidence that life on earth will be spared this agonzing death by a comet or asteroid impact throwing tons of dust into the air to trigger a sudden and catastrophic greenhouse effect that would spare much pain andsuffering. "Humankind missed its chance for an easy extinction when it banned above ground nuclear testing," he added sympathetically.

Still, University of Rochester earth scientist Robert Poreda, a proponent of the impact theory and online Viagra salesman, noted that the "absence of evidence" at San Andreas "does not constitute evidence of absence."

"We propose there was preexisting Vulcanism" that became much worse because of the energy released by the atom, he said. "Some people thought it feasible, while others were adamantly opposed. Now, with a little help from greedy know-nothing war-mongering corporations we have exceeded our eschatological deadline and God didn't have shit to do with it."