The Assassinated Press

Thousands of Failing Bed and Breakfasts Converted Into Private Prisons; Gain Government Funding

The Assassinated Press

With a glut of Bed and Breakfasts and record numbers of them failing many are being converted into maximum security private boutique prisons.

Where it was only legal to confine a handful of vacationers in tiny, windowless rooms with the hideous flowered wallpaper that makes the lilies look like they’re flashing gang signs and that smell like grandma’s old colostomy bag and cat piss, the new ‘Homey No Roamy’ prison cells for the home system allows rooms to be chopped up into even tinier windowless cells with a toilet and shower down the hall and accessible to the prisoner only twice a month.

“It’s an alternative to building another 6000 cell maximum security prison like Monsanto and GEP corporation wanted to do.” Marli Supervielle told the Assassinated Press. “The water table has already fallen 30 feet because of fracking going on in nearby Shitforbrains County and because of the local Pepsi Cola bottling plant and the puke they fed the prisoners gave them the runs and caused more flushing. Folks used to come to vacation on Lake Stoleitfromthedirtworshipers. But the Koch brothers making O-rings on a 1942 government contract with the Nazi‘s for V-2 rocket parts took a huge industrial dump into the main stream feeding the lake. That along with the Wall Street mortgage fraud caused all of the B&Bs surrounding the lake to shut down. “

Lambeau Smeckless the mayor of nearby Shubbles, North Dakota is excited about his town’s new found prosperity. “Tax revenue increased by almost 3 %. Last year we collected $486.17 in property tax revenue, enough money to buy two gallons of fuel for the Patriot Missile Battery the Pentagon gave us. It’s crucial in hunting down escapees or taking rival B&Bs across the lake.’

Now with this new kit which, for only $40,000 you can turn your family home into a maximum security prison. Now, thousands of American Crime Dogs can earn a comfortable living as part of the prison industrial complex. The kit is made by Corrections Corporation of America a subsidiary of Koch Industries.

Hardtack for Hard Time

And no more preparing those B&B meals. Each kit comes with a lifer supply of prepared surplus World War II vintage K-rations cortesy of Kock Industries.

Showing the strength of the new libertarian movement, ALEC, a Koch Brothers created cult that advocates an utterly lawless society based on the lack of principle of ”it’s a dog he dog world and he went back for seconds” has successfully blocked all legislation to build more suoer-prisons where there is a glut of failed B&Bs.

Charles Koch was asked why he was backing the anti-gigantic Panoptikon prison system movement e and his brothers had made millions on. “Easy responded,” Mr. Koch. “We loan these assholes money to convert their run down B&B into a prsin. They in turn fail and we take their land as collateral against the loans and send the inhabitants to some run down gulag like Tulsa.