The Assassinated Press

Die? Hardly.: Bruce Willis Sues Over Screen Scratch:
Conservative Hollywood Actor Supports Cap On Medical Malpractice But Not Melodrama Malpractice:
Insurance Investigator Calls Willis "Just Another Movie Muff, A Real Pussy".:
Amputees At Walter Reed Defend Cry Baby Actor, But Contemplate Class Action Suit Of Hollywood Action Movies As Poor Instructional Films; Ditto Video Games:
'Tears Of The Sun' Renamed 'Big Churls Don't Cry' Or 'There Is No Crying In Paint Ball'.:
Willis May Need A Sissy Tuck To Hide The Scar:
Ohio Draft Board Buys 200 Games Boys And DVDs of Willis & Schwarzenegger Movies To Keep Teenaged Draftees Occupied While Waiting To Be Conscripted

The Assassinated Press

Aspen, CO--Sporting a one inch scratch over his right eye screen he-man, Bruce 'Pussy' Willis, has sued, the decidedly not, Revolution Studios, having suffered "extreme mental, physical and emotional pain and suffering after being struck by a plastic fragment from a pyrotechnic device on the set of the 2003 smash hit "Tears of the Sun."

The suit closely follows the script of 'Tear of the Sun' in which the protagonist's family is abducted, raped, tortured then drawn and quartered by a rogue band of international terrorists played exquisitely by Mike Myers and the Blue Man Mime Group. The protagonist, Willis's character Hammie Fein then takes the group of terrorists to court in absentia and wins a $50,000,000 judgment. The final shot of the film shows Fein/Willis putting his feet up on a courtroom table, easing his hands behind his head and smiling smugly and self-satisfied into the camera assured by the verdict that justice has been served.

"What a fuckin' sissy, this muff, Willis is. Its just with all of kinds of devastating wounds being faked on the set a fuckin' hangnail qualifies for a purple heart among these Hollywood poofs," commented Sam 'Tex' Seafore, an insurance investigator for the Insurance and Investment division of Revolution Studios. "Christ. The whiny little fucker now claims that the scratch triggered flash backs to Die Hard II."

Claiming that he has suffered "substantial injuries"--both mental and physical--as a result of a movie set accident, Bruce Willis has filed a negligence lawsuit against Revolting Studios.

"How mental?" the fuck ain't got a brain in his head," commented Orson Swiggy, head of production at Revolting. "He swaggers and smirks around the set ragging on the union people for how much they make and making off-color jokes about people filing medical malpractice suits. No wonder camera and lighting always shoot him as though he's wearing an ass mask."

According to a Los Angeles Superior Court complaint filed last month, 'Pabulum Pants' Willis was injured in October 2002 while filming "Tears of the Sun" renamed Big Churls Don't Cry," a Revolting Studios production co-starring Monica Bellucci. In his complaint, a copy of which you'll find below, a teary Willis, 49, states that he was struck in the forehead by a "projectile" after the film's special effects personnel detonated pyrotechnic devices known as "squibs." The explosions were intended to "simulate jets of saliva striking the ground," a necessity in a film that featured the Hollywood cunt, Willis, pretending to be a Special Operations commander leading a dangerous Nigerian jungle rescue. While not further identifying the projectile or the specific nature of Willis's injuries, the lawsuit contends that the star suffered "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering" as a result of the pyro mishap. In addition, the Willis complaint does not specify exact monetary damages, but notes that he "was required to and did employ physicians and other medical personnel" and will incur additional infinite medical expenses. Willis, described in the lawsuit as a "universally known motion picture pussy and multi-millionaire celebrity crybaby who once offered American forces in Iraq one million dollars for the capture of Osama bin Laden demonstrating he doesn't know about the real context of Iraq" who has "received critical acclaim for his box office in television programs and motion pictures," also named as a defendant Joe Pancake, who was credited as a special effects foreman on "Big Churls Don't Cry". Revolting, founded in May 2000 by Hollywood power Joe 'Chicken B' Roth, has produced hits like the story of NFL linemen who later became porn stars, "XXXL", the comic cop thriller hip-hop hit starring Martin Lawrence and R. Kelly, "Fit Luce And Funky Fee" and, a biopic of the life of U.S. sponsored mass murderer, Roberto D'Aubuisson called "Anger Management," as well as the megabomb "Miss Ulam, Hold My Calls, God Is Coming To Heft My Balls" about the real life Dr. Strangelove, Edward Teller.

Amputees from the war in Iraq, those proscribed from suing the government or any government contractor, were one hundred percent behind Bruce's suit.

"Bruce is my idol. I tried to emulate him dodging live rounds in Mosul," said triple amputee," Sgt. Dwight 'Sugar Baby' Snickers. "Just before I got most of my limbs blowed off."

"I think Bruce should sue," said Machinist Spec. Second Class, Corp. Orvill 'Juju Beans' Cornfield. "I saw the scratch on the cover of Stars and Strumpets. I lost my face copying Bruce's moves in Die? Hardly IX, but I'd never think of suing him. I think he should get at least ten mill."

"Man. His face is his fortune" commented General 'Dickie' Myers. "When he makes the Michael Cimino film adaptation of Homer's Iliad, how's he gonna go down on Toby Keith with that pansy scar on his face."

"The common man can lose a leg, both legs, get paralyzed from the chin down, but it ain't nothing compared to a half-inch scar on the face of a reactionary faux warrior like Bruce Willis," said Kyle 'the Killer' Waits who teaches Hollywood hand-to-hand combat in Beverly Hills. "Brucey must lay awake at night realizing that if that scratch had been one inch lower or one inch higher it might of meant 2 maybe three out patient cosmetic surgeries and cost him film roles where he's the tough guy with the happy, confident, baby-faced expression. The anxiety must have been unbearable."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Harrison Ford, Toby Keith, Karl Rove, Bruce Willis; all the action heroes are real damn popular here," said the Army's Chief of Public Relations Edweird Barenaynays. "Practically every bunk in Iraq has god a full-frontal nude of one of these reactionary idols in front of it. Rove's number one because without him every body wouldn't be so high on whatever its is they are so high one. But Bruce's little pecker is dangling above many a corpsman like the true cross. After all G.W. does stand for the [G]reat [W]hite---Hope/Shark?/both."

When asked about the amputees suing flimmakers and action figure actors, Willis responded," That's not right. They're just mooks. They've played their roll as mooks taking real rounds and shit. I'm Bruce Willis. My roll is to take fake rounds. Now, I didn't elevate me, a fake, above people in the real shit. Karl Rove and Edward Bernays did that. And the mooks who lose their legs do that themselves. They elevate something they don't really know. I'm in it for the money. We're in America, right. So that should be the end of the conversation. So get out of my face before I have one of my fans break your jaw."