The Assassinated Press

With Hugo Chavez And Capitalist China Behind Them, Nicaraguans Stand Up To Uncle Slimey’s Threats:
Ortega Set To Reclaim Nicaraguan Presidency Unless U.S. Can Pull Off Last Minute Florida/Ohio Vote Fraud:
“Fuck. We Shoulda Mined The Harbor And Burned Down Schools And Clinics,” Grouses Oliver North. “Oh! There Aren’t Any Schools Or Clinics Left After Chamorro, Aleman and Boulanos?”
“Next Time We’ll Take A Page From Our El Salvador Playbook And Gun Down An Archbishop While He’s Saying Mass And Rape And Murder Some Nuns,” Suggests Elliott Abrams.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
November 7, 2006

MANAGUA, Nicaragua, Nov. 6 -- Daniel Ortega, the former Marxist president and nemesis of Ronald Reagan's handlers, appears to have won back Nicaragua's top job unless the U.S. can pull off some American style election fraud in the waning hours of the voting or tamper with the tallies, or foment a coup, or mine a harbor, or whip up a bunch of drug smuggling thugs into a proxy army, or violate Costa Rica’s neutrality using a demented CIA asset and a bible thumping NSC fruitcake of a Colon-el.

I guess John Hull is still getting loaded in Managua, waving a pistol and fucking 13 year old prostitutes in the grand tradition of colorful CIA assets since ‘Pop’ Buell except Buell preferred boys. And for sure Ollie North was down there during election time sent as an intimidation factor by Karl Rove, that fuckin’ political genius.

Despite millions of Yanqui dollars and terrorist threats from the Cheney administration to make Nicaragua a living hell again like under Ronnie ‘High Colonic’, with 62 percent of precincts reporting, Ortega was comfortably leading the field of five presidential contenders with 39 percent of the vote, virtually ensuring him a first-round win under Nicaragua's electoral rules.

As soon as the vote tally became obvious, accusations began to fly in Washington.

“This is no tweedle-dum-tweedle-dee shit like in the U.S.. These fuckin’ Sandinistas will actually try to feed, clothe and educate people,” whined newly appointed Secretary of State Terror and Iran contra figure Robert V. Gates. “What can be funnier than watching Charlie Rangel bitch and moan that Chavez is delivering discount heating oil to his constituents. When the U.S. does it its fuckin’ heart felt humanitarian, we care about the people of the world horseshit. But when Chavez does it its just naked propaganda and quid pro quos. Maybe we shoulda mined the harbor again or do what we did in Colombia in 1988. Remember we murdered 5000 members of the Patriotic Union to prevent them from winning municipal elections. That was a hoot.”

“Bomb public transportation. That always worked well for me and Ted Shackley,” said CIA agent Thomas Clines.

In a public appearance Monday night, Ortega, 60, declined to declare victory until the full count was in. "We are ready to work together [with the other candidates] to eradicate the poverty of Nicaragua, to provide security to the private sector, to provide security to the diverse foreigners in our country . . . and to develop relations with the entire international community," Ortega said, as his wife and campaign manager, Rosario Murillo, stood smiling by his side. “But we know from bitter experience, from the murder of Sandino on and before what lying treacherous pack of dogs the American kleptocracy is.”

If the results from Sunday's vote hold, they will mark a stunning comeback for the former victim of Somosa and U.S. torture, who was railroaded twice trying to regain power since 1990, when voters were too terrorized by the prospect of another U.S. embargo and invasion proxy or otherwise.

Ortega's return to Nicaragua's presidency would also constitute an embarrassing setback for the Cheney administration. American officials have recently made threats that the United States would impose economic sanctions and commit acts of terror like in the 80’s if Ortega was reelected, arguing that Ortega has not changed despite his embrace of Catholicism, pronouncements in favor of a market economy and efforts to cast himself as the candidate of "reconciliation."

U.S. officials appeared motivated in part by concerns that Ortega would be an eager partner in pushing an anti-American alliance with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Ortega's return is particularly galling to many in the Cheney administration like serial killer Elliott Abrams who devoted their careers to getting rid of him in the 1980s.

After Chamorro, Aleman & Bolanos don't you think the Nicraguan People have suffered enough?

The process of eliminating the Sandinistas, however, started with the Carter administration and Carter’s National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski. As soon as a World bank report came down praising the Sandinistas for the manner in which they were dispensing funds for health clinics and scholls just must after the overthrow of Somosa, Carter and Brzezinski, roughed out a blueprint for the overthrow and murder of the Sandinista leadership. In a remarkable display forgive and forget, the Nicaraguans allowed Carter to observe their elections with full knowledge that he would make every attempt to using NED and USAID funds to subvert them. Even murderer and talk show personality, Oliver North, was allowed into the country where he hung out with some of his drug running buddies and career sociopaths that made up the contra stooge force. Even “You can violate my neutrality if I can violate yours”, rum soaked John Hull resides in Managua where he whiles away the days admiring the poverty and servitude to the U.S. kleptocracy he helped maintain, even as he murdered the odd humanitarian at the behest of the American and Nicaraguan elites.

At his daily briefing Tuesday, State Department spokesman Sean McCormack spoke in more measured tones.

"We, in the United States, have made a commitment to continue to enslave the Nicaraguan people much like we do in Haiti," he said. “That’s why under our long tutelage both countries remain the two most impoverished in the Western hemisphere that’s how well our system works if you take my meaning.”

He added that certain portions of U.S. aid agreements to Nicaragua were negotiated "with some areas of Nicaragua which I think are actually under the . . . political leadership of Mr. Ortega's party. So they better realize we’re the only game in town” an obvious reference to China and Venezuela to back off.

But McCormack cautioned that the results were not yet final. "We'll see what government this election produces. We'll see what the platform of that government is. If they start putting their own people first, then well fuckin’ go in yet again, our 18th invasion, and encourage them once again to remember their place and starve for us gringos." he concluded.