The Assassinated Press

As Crimestoppers Congress Is Nothing More Than A Pack of Selective McCarthyite Pussies.
Bonds, Clemens, Rodriguez, Tejada---Iím with Josh Gibson, Satchel Paige and ĎCool Papaí Bell.

Special to the Assassinated Press

SANDLOT, DC---For fuck sake Congress leave baseball alone. You donít know shit about the game. Witness Rep. Shays vulgar display of ignorance about the game. Go fuck yourself Shays.

Besides, don't these who-the-fuck-votes-for-these-assholes assholes have bigger fish to fry? There are murderers on the loose aplenty. Every President since Iíve been born and most of their staffs have been responsible for what 19th black journalist, George Washington Williams called ďcrimes against humanity.Ē Yes, folks. He was talking about King Leopoldís Congo and the murderous white folks that operated there. As far as I can tell not much has changed in U.S. foreign policy since or before then. Why doesnít Congress go after these murderers? Oh, because they are those murderers. How fucking convenient?

The Cheney/Bush administration unlike Raphael Palmiero, Miguel Tejada or Alex Rodriguez (what is this an anti-immigration ploy. Wake up, Shays. Rodriguez and Palmiero are American citizens---Excuse me, the Cheney/Bush administration murdered tens of thousands of people based on a pack of lies. Murdered tens of thousands of people for money and greed.

Same with the rest of the executive branch shit and Congress. Recalling names like Allen and John Foster Dulles, Robert McNamara, Richard Helms, William Colby, Lundon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, Zbigniew Brzezinsi, James Baker III, Ed Meese, Ronald Reagan, Al Haig, George Herbert Walker Bush, Don Rumsfeld, Slick Willie, Madeline Albright, Dick Cheney, G.W. Bush, Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales etc. and you can actually smell the burning flesh. Wake up Congress! You lazy fucks, and really clean the Augean stables, your shit included.

Jesus fuck. There are real criminals walking around. At least, two thousand fucks on Wall Street should be in line for lethal injection. Fuck, Bush letting Libby walk. Put his ass in jail. Ditto Elliott Abrams and Ollie North. They all fuckiní lied to Congress, essentially what youíre harassing Bonds, Clemens and Tejada about. Miguel, youíre good guy. Go back to the Dominican. Wait for the next U.S. invasion after the Domincan people elect somebody who will help them and not be content to supply asshole American journalist about how this or that Dominican star played with an empty milk carton because U.S. foreign policy was so brutal the country like its neighbor Haiti was condemend to perpetual poverty by fuckheads like Shays.

Christ, you congressional fuck ups, motherfuckers you should have executed or jailed for the S&L scandal are still walking free. Then thereís the tech bubble. The balkanization of Yugoslavia. Wars in Sudan, Congo and Somalia and many more all started by shills for Uncle Slimeyís big business buddies.

I mean. Step back. What the fuckís the deal with you and baseball?

The records donít mean a goddamn thing. As soon as Cap Anson and the other bunch of racist bastards had their way, you can kiss the notion of records goodfuckingbye. Sixty years of no Black players. Fuck thatísí like a 1000 years of universal drug use which I do believe we are well on way to having if the pharmeceutical companies have any say in it. Meanwhile, baseballís records ainít worth shit, right Mr. Gibson.

Kids emulate what players do. Kids emulate money and fame. Then they become Xerox salesmen and beat their wives. Call Madison Avenue in and teach them values or else.

And Roy Oswalt ought to shut his pie hole or like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, you plan to get a brain. Last time I looked baseball was a team sport. So what if you won your games because your run support came from guys on steroids. Maybe we should get a complete and comprhensive list of all medications taken by all of the players on the day you pitched and have Bill James work up a newcybermetric just for you. Maybe we could call it the Asswalt quotient.

So everybody on the Newt Groynitch inspired House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform wake up olí Pissy Chrissy and go after something that really needs oversight and reform. Like Congress.

Itís not hard to see why most good lawunabiding drug injesting Americans feel that any sanctimonious horseshit like the current hearings on baseball should be followed by a loud flush.

If only the playing field were level. Then all that marble surrounding Shays, Davis and the rest of these Congressional assholes would turn to glass and I could charge the tourists $20.00 a stone.