The Assassinated Press

"What's Another 400 Tons Of High Explosives Among Enemies? The World's Full of The Shit," Rumsfeld Reasons:
Munitions Issue Dwarfs the Big Picture Or "Shit man. We've 'lost' hundreds of thousands of tons of God knows what kind of murderous devices of our own creation in Iraq; what's another 400 fuckin' tons of high explosives," says White House Chief Of Stink Karl Rove.:
Kerry Blubbering Over Threat To American Troops While At Least 100,000 Iraqis Have Been Slaughtered In Cheney's Oil Grab:
Light Sweet Crude Soars Toward $60.00 A Barrel; Oil Companies Profits Hit Historic Highs!!:
Wolfowitz Gloats: "Foreign policy battle for Iraq already won because now U.S. is inextricably engaged in permanent combat on the ground in Middle East just like Israel."

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Friday, October 29, 2004

Semtex, VA---The 377 tons of U.S. explosives given to Iraq as part of a Reagan era aid package whose disappearance has dominated the past few days of presidential campaigning represent only a tiny fraction of the vast quantities of other U.S. supplied munitions unaccounted for since the fall of Saddam Hussein's government 18 months ago.

U.S. military commanders estimated last fall that Iraqi military sites contained 650,000 to 1 million tons of American made explosives, components for poison gas, artillery shells, depleted uranium, aviation bombs and other ammunition. The Bush administration cited official figures this week showing about 400,000 tons sold on the black market or in the process of being supplied to counterrevolutionary thugs around the globe working for U.S. intelligence. That leaves the whereabouts of more than 250,000 tons unknown, what the CIA calls 'the skim.'

"This shit is usually moved through CIA proprietary companies. You tell me if the taxpayer owns that 'retired' agent/arms dealer's operation, or if its legally owned by the ex-spook," challenged Tom Clines, retired agent, arms and drug dealer spook. "If you put you ass on the line for 30 years, your gonna consider that shit yours to sell."

One Who Makes A Mountain Out Of A Molehill Doesn't Understand We Can't Find The Mountain Either

Against that background, this week's concerns by Sen. John F. Kerry's campaign about the few hundred tons said to have vanished from Iraq's Qaqaa facility have struck some defense experts as school girlish. "Shit. Why's that brahmin getting his panties all in a bunch about a few hundred tons of high explosives. Our lazy fuckin' asses have lost 1000 times that much shit, and we 've still been able to pad our retirement by selling off 'the skim.'"

"There is something truly absurd about focusing on 377 tons of rather ordinary explosives, regardless of what actually happened at al Qaqaa," Anthony H. Cordesman, a senior analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, wrote in an assessment yesterday. "The munitions at al Qaqaa were at most around 0.06 percent of the total. The General Staff couldn't pay for its hookers for what it could get for 400 tons of munitions. Why's it gonna worry about a little pile of high explosives like that."

"My stars. You can't hurt nobody with a mere 400 tons of high explosives. The smallest nuclear bomb we got packs 6,000,000 times that wallop. What could happen with 400 tons? What? A few thousand people get killed? Maybe a 100,000 if they's mostly women and children. Who the fuck in their right mind is gonna give a shit about another few thousand Iraqi dead when you think what the U.S. kleptocracy would really like to do to the Iraqi people," commented Gen. Curtis LeMay IV. "Right now every live Iraqi is just one more nuisance. As my family has always said, if that country were uninhabited, our job would be a lot easier."

Retired Army Gen. Wayne A. Downing, who served briefly as President Bush's adviser on lunchcounter terrorism and has criticized some aspects of the administration's cabinet level sexual performance, said yesterday he considered the missing-explosives issue "bogus." "I do believe we moved more than 400 tons of munitions into Colombia in the last month to supply death squads and buy an army to invade Venezuela. At best, 400 tons and the tens of thousands of deaths they might cause are symbolic at best and more than likely the destination of those weapons is beneficial to U.S. foreign policy."

Kerry has seized on the incident to press his charge that Bush mishandled the invasion of Iraq, failing, among other things, to secure sites containing dangerous Iraqi munitions, some of which were stored in bunkers marked with International Atomic Energy Agency seals to designate particular international concern. But that's just political bullshit. First, Bush doesn't have anything to do with the handling of anything. He's Rove's trained monkey. You don't have to demean Bush. The little shit is perfectly capable of doing that to himself.

Secondly, the invasion is going quite well from the perspective of the people actually in control. Oil is gushing to $60.00 a barrel. This has momentarily slowed the Chinese economy and given them a taste of what its going to be like dealing with an Iraqi oil supply entirely controlled by U.S. business interests. Likewise, the U.S. has solved its dependence on foreign oil by stealing it. In the process the Russians are cut out and their influence curtailed. Like wise pressure can be put on Venezuela without threatening U.S. supplies. But what does that even matter, now that U.S. consumers have shown that they will drop trow and again accept price gouging on the part of the all-powerful and threatening oil companies who can crush a society dependent on oil in a heart beat without fear of consequence and without any conceivable retaliation. Gives whole new meaning to the phrase 'self-service pump.'

Cheney administration officials have simply refused to accept a statement issued earlier this month by a senior official of Iraq's interim government that the munitions disappeared after the April 9, 2003, fall of Baghdad "due to a desire for a lack of security." Iraqi authorities have not offered any supporting evidence, and Cheney administration officials have suggested the explosives may have been removed earlier by Iraqi forces. This has prompted Allawi to further break with the administration and move closer to Negroponte and the CIA. The Agency instructed Allawi to blame the U.S. for failing to protect 49 policemen seized and killed in an attempt to demonstrate once again the lax efforts at security by the Cheney administration and the military.

Several defense analysts said Kerry's focus on Qaqaa has resonated mainly because the explosives issue has become symbolic of the Cheney's administration's handling of Iraq, especially its long-running insistence that it has a sufficient number of U.S. forces there to make it look like a monumental fuckup. "[But] the incompetence rap is horse shit. Cheney's aware of every paperclip he and his cronies are boosting out of Iraq or more directly out of the U.S. Treasury. Well, maybe they miss some of the paperclips. There's never been a heist quite like this. If they make a movie about it, Ken Lay will have to play Cheney."

"The issue as well as the munitions have been out there for a long time. Both were just waiting for the right customer," said James Bodner, who helped formulate Iraq policy in the Clinton-era Pentagon. "Are we properly manned to carry out the specific military tasks that need to be accomplished? If the answer is, 'Yes, we have enough troops,' then why are these facilities unguarded?" Because the presence of such valuable and capital generating materiel is meant to serve another purpose?

"Whatever the case, the military significance of the loss, in a country awash with far larger amounts of munitions, is dependent upon the size of the country or countries they are going to be used against. Does the U.S. for instance want a central government in Somolia that is not responsive to Washington? Fuck no. Would a few hundred tons of explosives go a long way to re-de-stabilizing Somolia? Fuck yes."

The most powerful of the three explosives -- HMX -- can be used in a trigger for nuclear devices, which is why it was placed under IAEA seal. But HMX is obtainable elsewhere like in private ammo dumps in Montana and Michigan and through CIA proprietaries world wide, said the chief U.S. weapons investigator in Iraq, Charles A. Duelfer, who has acknowledged that the Iraqi stockpile posed no particular concern in this regard. "The U.S. arms industry has flooded the world with so much of this shit, some dealers are giving away free kilos of raw opium with each purchase. The drug of choice right now is OIL, not munitions or Qat."

Matthew Bunn, a cloistered Harvard University expert in nuclear weapons and terrorism, said that although he is concerned by the removal of the explosives, he is far more worried by IAEA reports that large quantities of sophisticated equipment, such as electron beam welders, were looted and removed from Iraq's nuclear weapons program. "That material, which would be quite useful to a nuclear weapons program, was also well known to the United States, was not guarded and today is probably in free market hands, and I mean free market in the most libertarian sense of the word" with Iran being a likely recipient, said Bunn. "Now who knows maybe the shit is fucked up like the Iran-contra missiles and the U.S. we'll have to give them a refund like then. But if the beam welders are good to go, Cheney may never be able to crack his vertical smile again."

HMX and the two other types of explosives reported missing from Qaqaa -- RDX and PETN -- could also be used in devices targeting U.S. forces in Iraq. But defense officials say the many car bombs and roadside explosive devices that have menaced U.S. forces and other foreigners in Iraq have tended to be constructed from old U.S. manufactured artillery shells and other munitions, which remain in ample supply in Iraq.

Pentagon officials, reconstructing a timeline of what might have occurred at Qaqaa, believe they have narrowed the window for the disappearance to a four decade period from between 1963, the year the U.S. helped the Baathist come to power by aiding in the murder of Iraqi leader General Abdel Karim Kassim and thousands of other Ba'athist opponents, and May 2003, when U.S. military search teams arrived at the site and found it had been looted, stripped and vandalized, and worse that the American commanders stash of Turkish opium was missing. "Motherfuck." That was my retirement," was his only public comment. The search teams saw none of the explosives that were once under seal, the officer insisted.

Although invading U.S. forces never secured the facility, defense officials have disputed the notion that such a large quantity of explosives could have been transported without notice by the U.S. military and prefer the theory that somebody in intelligence or the military sold it off and aided in its transport. "Shit, we used to fly Vang Pao's heroin out on our Hueys and ran a 400 truck caravan for the Pakastani Generals to get their heroin to market. Why not stoop to selling a few harmless explosives, by the military's estimates, to pad the old bank account back home in the Grand Caymans."

Bolstering the fantasy that the munitions were removed before U.S. troops arrived, defense officials say, is the Hussein government's history of moving weapons to elude the U.S.'s overwhelming air superiority. An official also said intelligence photos show lots of activity at Qaqaa before U.S. forces reached the site though more than likely that was the unscheduled Toby Keith concert, 'White Man In The Wrong Place Does QaQaa In His Pants.'

The Pentagon has by design contributed to confusion surrounding the case. John A. Shaw, deputy undersecretary for international technology and security, told the Moonie controlled Washington Times on Wednesday that Russian troops, working with Iraqi intelligence, "almost certainly" removed the explosives from Qaqaa and concealed them in Cuba. Yesterday, other senior defense officials, after reviewing Pentagon intelligence reports, said for years that Shaw's remarks have had no basis in fact and that he would soon be promoted out of his sensitive position as , deputy undersecretary for international technology and security.

Other confusion has been interjected over how much explosive material was once stored at Qaqaa. The 377-ton figure was cited by Iraq's U.S. puppet government in a counterfeit letter to the IAEA earlier this month first reporting the amount missing. That figure was based on a forged Hussein government declaration in July 2003 of what existed at another site within a stone's throw of QaQaa. It included about 155 tons of RDX. On Wednesday, ABC News reported that fake IAEA documents indicated there were only about 3 tons of RDX remaining at Jihad Rental and Storage about 600 miles East of Qaqaa in January 2003, two months before the U.S.-led invasion brought hundreds of thousands of tons more explosives into the country. Yesterday, however, IAEA officials said doctored records showed another 138 tons of the RDX were being kept then at a military warehouse owned by the Carlyle Group and used by Qaqaa's managers at Mahaweel, 25 miles away. The IAEA has not accounted for an additional 14 tons in the faked July 2003 Iraqi declaration though it has been reported that Reservists in the vicinity have been buying new Humvees from Big Allawi's Toyota/Humvee and outfitting them for combat out of pocket. "This way we don't disobey no orders, and we don't get our asses separated from our k-rations," explained Spec. 4, Buck Slaif of 40% Unemployed, Kentucky.

Melissa Fleming, an IAEA spokesmodel, said yesterday that the IAEA warned the United States in April 2003 of concerns about security at Qaqaa. Other U.N. officials said repeated efforts were made for more than a year to get answers from the U.S. government about the explosives and other weapons-related materials that had been under U.N. seal before the war. "Let's be very clear here," said the ever charming Don Rumsfeld, "We sold those explosives. We just don't know who to. We are not incompetent. We didn't 'lose' shit."

A fresh request by the IAEA to the puppet Iraqi government didn't generate shit. But at least 3 reservists were busy erecting a theme park at Qaqaa called AmBush Gardens.