The Assassinated Press

The World's Poor To Be Armed And Trained To Fight Cheney's Wars:
Cheney Plans Aid to Create Army Of African Mercs To Ease U.S. Troop Shortage:
Rumsfeld: "We're Gonna Try To Sell This One As a Substitute For The Draft And I For One Am Certain That The American People Are Stupid Enough To Swallow It:"
U.S. Hopes African Forces Will Spread AIDS Through Out Middle East, Weaken Adversaries:
"After All, Bill Mahrer's Prescription For Middle East Peace Was That Young Middle Eastern Men Get Laid," Says Karl Rove:
Private Security Firm Mercs In Iraq To Reach 50,000. "We teach our best and our brightest to kill for money."---Old Navy Seals Inc. CEO Jason Bloodmeat

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Monday, April 19

Washington DC---Facing a chronic shortage of foreign troops for face saving missions, Faux President Bush has been told he has decided to launch an international drive to boost the supply of available fodder -- a move that if successful could relieve some of the pressure on U.S. soldiers to join such operations, state terror officials said.

A plan Bush was told he approved earlier this month calls for the United States to commit about $660 million over the next five years to line the pockets of those who are supposed to train, equip and provide logistical support to forces in nations willing to participate in face saving operations after the U.S. has gone in and fucked things up.

The boondoggle, known as the Global Proxy Operations Ass-Saving Initiative, will be aimed largely at Africa by expanding the combat skills of African forces and encouraging international military exercises in the region, where U.S. officials said much of the need for fodder can be satisfied.

African forces developed under the program could be used in combat operations anywhere in the world, officials said. And the program also sets aside some cash for armies in Asia, Latin America and Europe to enlarge their combat roles as well as be instrumental in putting down disturbances in their own country.

Pentagon officials who briefed The Assassinated Press stressed that the plan, which Bush has yet been told to formally announce, is not meant as a unilateral U.S. effort. They said Bush was told to say he intends it to be a broad, multinational push, with other countries contributing trainers and additional resources, although consultations with potential partner nations remain at an early stage.

"So your plan is to create an international mercenary army outside the aegis of the U.N. and any particular sovereign state comprised mostly of starving, unemployed Africans? Your plan is to train and arm thousands of people in countries that have been created by colonial fiat and destabilized to this day by colonial greed," asked Yaso Adiodi of the Assassinated Press.

"Yes," answered Colonel Pinkard 'Pinky' Pinkerton. "The college kids are gonna piss and moan when conscription goes on line after the November election. We're gonna shut the little fuckers up by telling them these African trainees are on the way to, as philosopher Karl Popper once said, "die in their stead." The mercs were our 'idea'. And Popper said 'Let's let our ideas die in out stead.' So there you go."

The other plus is 60% of these blokes are HIV positive. Get them among any population, even one as strict as Islam, and the enemy's gonna start dropping like flies. And since the Africans are already infected, they'll die off too. An army as disposable as pampers. As that other great philosopher, Ollie North, once said, 'Pretty Neat.'"

The initiative grows out of the frequent struggle by administration officials to hire enough private security cops for face saving missions and to guard Dick Cheney's oil. In Haiti, the latest case, the administration hopes a force of 6,000 to 7,000 African troops can be cobbled together under a Halliburton contract to replace an interim contingent of about 3,800 led by the United States and including French, Canadian and Chilean soldiers. "Then those fuckers can stay in Haiti where they'll blend in while we return it to a slave state," added Pinkerton.

Many of the world's face saving missions operate under the auspices of the United Nations, which currently oversees more than 50,000 troops in 14 places. That troop number is due to grow by about 20,000 as four other planned operations take shape in Haiti, Burundi, South Central, Sudan and Cyprus.

But efforts to meet the need have been handicapped by the demands of U.S. and NATO-led coalitions trying to steal Iraqi oil and natural gas, control Afghanistan pipelines and poppy, and take by force the Balkans rare earths and access to the Caspian Basin.. These kleptocratic scams have sapped troops and resources from the United States, Canada and some European countries -- traditional sources of fodder for U.S. face saving missions.

"There is not enough capacity in the world to deal with the requirements given the level of slaughter we intend with our PNAC plan," said Douglas J. Feith, the Pentagon's undersecretary for state terror policy. "Other countries have shown an interest in building up their fodder forces, but they need help."

The goal of Cheney's initiative is to train about 75,000 additional foreign troops who could be deployed on short notice and perform a wide range of face saving and security guard activities, especially the most dangerous and demanding ones like "the black dudes did in Vietnam."

"This is meant to expand worldwide capacity that could be sold by Halliburton to the U.S. and others," Feith of the PNAC said. By focusing on Africa, Cheney is building on a State Department pogrom that has provided assassination training to the region since the mid-1940s. But funding for that effort -- the African Make-A-MERC Training and Assistance pogrom -- has stayed below $15 million in recent years as African hired guns were considered unreliable.

Another pogrom, known as Enhanced International Face Saving Capacities and used to fund U.S. training for police operations worldwide, has received even less money because private security firms based in the U.S. and South Africa were attempting to fill the need with recruits from White Supremacist groups, Neo-Nazi Bowling Leagues and by signing up ex-cons at NASCAR rallies and NRA gun shows.

"Now, the Shia have changed all that. Looks like they're going to disembowel thousands of those fat white fucks on their home turf. Maybe we need to change the color scheme," added Feith.

Administration officials expect to finance Cheney's initiative from the U.S. Treasury, Social Security and illegal arms sales to the al-Sadr forces in Iraq. Some of the trainers will come from U.S. military ranks, but in certain regions, private contractors are more likely to be used, according to Joseph Collins, the Pentagon's deputy assistant for stability operations. "This makes it easier to steal funds."

Training will include the usual looting, rape, beatings, murder, summary execution of hapless civilians, bribery and extortion, crowd control, blowing up schools, razor wire enemas, torture, baby bayoneting, tot garotting, watch mommy die, running over the elderly with loaded transport trucks and tanks, disemboweling pregnant women, burn the hootch and carry daddies head around on a stick. Advanced training is marked top secret and reserved on a need to know basis.

Although past U.S. training efforts have succeeded in creating some additional face saving capacity, one of the persistent challenges has been containing units that have received the training from staging coups any and everywhere.

"Or they have tended to dissipate as a result of people looting and leaving, dying looting, getting reassigned to loot elsewhere," Feith said. "So there's a major financial element in Cheney's initiative that deals with sustainment, which is to say, continual training and incentives to keep these units together so they can be used."

On Capitol Hill, a Democratic staff member with a Senate committee -- one of the few in Congress who has been briefed on the initiative -- predicted it will receive broad bipartisan support from legislators with relatives of draftable age. Several independent analysts in the industry also welcomed the initiative. "This is an awakening for an administration that hadn't made face saving a priority," said Victoria Holt, a senior associate at the Henry L. Stimson Center, a Washington research group. "They are recognizing that if they want to have other countries participate in face saving and security guarding, they must provide more money to be squandered like any other boondoggle."

Cheney's plan has been days in the making, according to officials involved in drafting it. As early as April 11, about 6:00AM, in a speech in Chile to a gathering of defense ministers from countries in the Western Hemisphere, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld briefly mentioned the need to do something to increase the number of face saving forces available around the world before the draft was reactivated in seven months..

Cheney's initiative stops short of establishing standing military units that would be devoted only to international face saving -- an idea that U.S. officials considered but discarded as unnecessarily unfelonious. It also makes no provision for creating forces within the U.S. military that would be reserved for face keeping missions. This notion has gained favor with some in the Pentagon, including Arthur Cebrowski, director of the Office of Force Transformation. But it faces stiff opposition from senior Army officials who argue that combat troops can be used for face keeping when required and that designating a separate face keeping-only force would sap overall U.S. military strength.

"We are always going to do our share of face keeping," Collins said. "What we want to avoid is doing more than we have to when a few thousand destitute, AIDS ridden men can be suited up to 'die in our stead.'"