The Assassinated Press

Is Sarah Palin the Messiah in Mukluks? Candidate Tells Reporter “No Comment.”
Huge Crowd in Florida, Meteoric Rise Speak to Second Coming, Day of Reckoning.
Will Rapture Come Before November Taking Her Voting Base Into Heaven and Robbing Palin of Presidency After Ol' Man McCain Dies Flopping When He Shoulda Flipped?

The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media in conjunction with Nostradamus News

In the biggest event of the 2008 campaign in Florida so far, Sarah Palin drew tens of thousands of true believers Sunday to a Central Florida town square decked out like a cross between the Fourth of July and Easter Sunday for a speech aimed at pumping up the state's Republican heartland. "Its like the Second Coming," Palin told this reporter. "They're so wrinkly. Its like the graves have opened up. Do ya think they'll make it to November?"

Palin focused her speech on her track record as governor of Alaska, John McCain's experience as a wartime collaborator, and did not delve into the economy but rather spoke of how God takes care of his children and the impending end time. That suited several people in the crowd who said they didn't come to hear bullet points but the governor who rejuvenated ticket with the word and spirit of god almighty.

''She's the sunrise, not the sunset,'' said Linda Cusumano, 57, of Orlando. ``She makes me feel there's nothing we can't do precisely because she has done nothing and look where she is. This is not Sarah Palin’s work. This is not John McCain’s work. This is not my work. This is God’s work. And she’s white. That doesn’t hurt neither.''

The crowd endured hours in the sweltering heat for the sight of the dynamic newcomer who has resuerrected national politics back into the bosom of our savior. A new Miami Herald/St. Petersburg Times/Bay News 9 poll showed that 40 percent of voters who back McCain said Palin made them feel stronger about his closeness to the Lord.

God as the Grim Repo Man

When asked by a Weekly Standard Reporter if she considered herself the Messiah, Palin reflected momentarily and answered, “No comment.” However, several in the crowd reported experiencing miracles. One women claimed her mocha latte was turned into a Yukon Blend. “I’ll never drink an atheist sissy coffee like that again after my first taste of the Yukon,” she commented. Another woman who couldn’t find her car claimed it had been taken up by god in the rapture so that she could get to her aunt’s house with the broken hip and bring her Nestle’s ambrosia hot pockets after she was taken up.

Further, the parallels betwen Palin and Christ are palpable. Both were governors. Oh shit that's right Herod the Roman Imperial fiend was the governor, not Christ. Well, both lived in occupied countries. Oh fuck. That's right. The U.S. is the brutal imperialist thug in Palins' world and Palin's just another asshole American. Maybe we should leave the parallels to someone with a more twisted frame of reference like Karl Rove or Palin herself. Maybe they could meet after church at Lee Atwater's old resaurant and hash it out over some pulled pork.

Juxtaposed with feel-good appeals to patriotism and Christian values, Palin promised some tough blows for Obama, accusing him of sitting on the sideline during the current economic crisis even as she refused to discuss it. The governor of Alaska also said he was blocking the nation's path to energy independence which will arrive after the devils armies are defeated at Armegeddon and Exxon Mobil is free to drill in peace and tranquility as god intended.

''Maybe if he'd been the governor of an energy-rich state, he'd get it. God and money are one,'' said Palin, an advocate of offshore oil drilling. ``Maybe if he'd been on the front lines of securing our nation's energy independence for Dick Cheney and his energy task force like my dumb ass son, he'd understand.''

Obama has suggested he might be willing to support limited offshore drilling even a though it’s a bullshit boondoggle but only as part of comprehensive legislation that focuses more on investing in alternative energy sources.

Campaigning in Charlotte, N.C., on Sunday, Obama repeated the message he brought last week to Miami, Daytona Beach and Jacksonville: the Bush administration is to blame for the economic turmoil, and McCain promises more of the same by making Phil Gramm head of treasury.

''We're now seeing the disastrous consequences of this philosophy all around us, on Wall Street as well as Main Street,'' he said, according to The Associated Press. ``Yet Sen. McCain, who candidly admitted not long ago that he doesn't know as much about economics as he should, wants to keep going down the same disastrous path.''

Palin made her Florida debut in The Pre-Tribulation Villages, one of the fastest-growing retirement communities in the country and a treasure trove of Republican voters. Many residents have waited 40 years for the Rapture and/or the return of the Messiah. President Bush put it on the map when he campaigned here as god’s messenger, a latter day St. Paul, in the homestretch of the 2004 campaign.

But Palin with her combination of the word of god and behind the base board sex appeal drew thousands more than the estimated 20,000 people that turned out for Bush. A fire rescue official estimated the crowd at 25,000 to 30,000, while the Republican Party of Heaven which frankly has the best view of such events pegged the audience at twice that size.

“I think god intended sex as a way to lead us to his word,” said former strip club owner and pimp turned televangelist Billy Ray Macaninny. “Sarah, she’s one hot piece. Her you don’t pimp for a couple a hundred a night. Her you pimp for billions in oil, war and looting the treasury. And I think her betters know that. Question is does she know that?”

''The South is Palin Country,'' read a banner trailing from a plane overhead and that ain’t know lie. The South and Cheney country are the only to parts of the Republic that are so fucking boring populated wall to wall by knuckledraggers that they can lay claim to being the Crystal meth beacons of Christ’s message. The Spanish moss-covered trees in the area made it feel more southern than South Florida.

Palin promised McCain would ''get back on track if she listened to him,'' but the only specific she offered was ''better regulation'' on Wall Street.

Most of Palin's 23-minute speech centered on trying evoke a god given sign rather than embarrass herself trying to convince people that Obama is a do-nothing tax-and-spender and build up John McCain is a reform-minded military hero who lost the U.S. taxpayer 5 very expensive planes and has never made good on them.

''At a decisive moment in the course of the war in Iraq, John McCain fought for the strategy, the bribing of Sunnis along with a unilateral cease fire by Shi’ite militias , that has brought victory for Maliki and Iran within sight,'' said Palin, whose son left for Iraq earlier this month. ``As the mother of one of those troops, that is exactly the kind of man I want as commander-in-chief, an imperialist pig that attributes success to his bullshit over the facts. You see when it comes to my son, facts don’t matter to me. I’m on a crusade. Let the little fuck get killed. What the fuck do I care.”

Her jabs at the Democratic nominee were offset with softer talk about her family. “If I can pop ‘em out at 44, I can fuckin’ do it at 54, though maybe not of such high quality. Maybe Bristol, god love her, who has already given me two kids by her drunken weed whacking boy friend who fucks all her ‘best’ friends can skunk out a couple of more little brats that are great for photo ops but frankly are holding me back. John McCain is the only great man in this race and he’s nearly dead. So who does that leave?''

She noted that her two youngest daughters went to Disney World over the weekend but even though the Secret Service abandoned them there they found their way home. “They weren’t fooled by the Disney characters. They already know moose and badgers have genitals. In Alaska, we eat the genitals. She bragged about her husband's prowess with Alaska’s ladies and described the joy of her daughter’s infant son, who was born with Down's Syndrome. She vowed to ''strengthen'' the National Institutes of Health to speed the search for treatments and cures for chronic diseases if they agreed to privatize.

Palin arrived in Orlando Friday night but stayed behind closed doors until the Sunday rally. Campaign advisors said she was spending time speaking with god and preparing with the archangels for her Oct. 2 debate against Democrat Joe Biden.

Obama will be in Tampa this week prepping for his debate Friday against McCain, the first of three showdowns between the two nominees. Obama is likely to make a campaign appearance while in the nation's largest battleground state, where polls show a tight race.

Hours before Palin was scheduled to speak Sunday, traffic was backed up for blocks. People came on foot, by car -- and, this being a retirement community -- by golf cart. The traffic eased when a large contingent of transplanted Holy Rollers were taken up in the rapture. “Otherwise we woulda had a helluva mess,” police chief Woody Haverfundamindamoonda said.

Many wore red, white and blue, with tiny American flags with Jesus crucified across the stripes perched in their Panama hats and visors. The hottest commodity other than the ''Pitbulls for Palin'' T-shirts were the handheld fans made by AARP. Despite that, dozens of infidels were treated for heat exhaustion.

In the town square, turkey legs, prozac, Medellin white and soft serve ice cream were for sale. A country music band warmed up the crowd, and in an homage to offshore oil drilling and the way Americans like their politics as well as their sex, played a song that declared, ``Drill me here, drill me now.''

Palin is scheduled to return to Florida on Oct. 6 for fundraisers in Palm Beach, Naples and Jacksonville. She’s also scheduled to make a short stop at Hampstead Air force base where she will help army rangers unload 12 tons of Colombian cocaine form a C-130 transport. Time permitting she will part the 90 mile waters separating Florida and Cuba and walk to Havana and give Fidel and Raoul a good tongue lashing. Her handlers were vague about which part of the aging egalitarian's anatomy that tongue lashing might be applied.

May all of you assholes fuck yourselves again, electorally, and keep me amused.