The Assassinated Press

CIA Buys Osamasicle from Pakastani ISI
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"What? With one copter down, I got two flight crews, the whole Navy Seal team, their weapons, 100 computers, boxes of tapes, manuscripts, discs, part of bin Laden's weapons cache AND Osama bin Laden's body on one Blackhawk! Do the fuckin' math, asshole." Pilot of surviving Mission Geronimo Blackhawk to TV personality Lara Logan.
Obama Fears Trump Candidacy in 2012

The Assassinated Press

A jovial Pakastani ISI agent called former CIA Director George Tent in the summer of 2006.

“Hello, Mr. Tenet. This is Ehsan. What’s happenin’ baby? Look Georgie, we got somethin’ for you. What flavor popsicle you like? Well, we got your favorite flavor. Osama bin Laden. Yeah that’s right boobala. Bin fuckin’ Laden on ice. He’s yours for ten billion dollars.”

Thus, five years ago delicate bargaining for the acquisition of Osama bin Laden’s body began.

“The deal was clinched when the Pakastani agreed to throw in a phony raid in exchange for an extra $2 billion dollars,” CIA Middle Eastern analyst Byron Pickly VI told the Assassinated Press. “They allowed an American seal team to raid a former Taliban ssfe-house and in a brief ceremony turned over the cash in exchange for Birdseye Brand bin Laden. What's another two billion when your playing with house money.”

In five years of negotiation the ISI refused to budge from its $10 billion dollar figure citing the nearly half trillion dollars the CIA has made turning Pakistan into the world’s largest narco-state. Pakistan has nearly 10,000,000 heroin addicts an increase of 38,000% since the arrival of the Americans according to the World Health Organization.

According to sources within the Obama White House it was Donald Trump’s entry into the presidential race which prompted the administration to sweeten the offer in exchange for the bogus raid.

"Sure I can stuff two flight crews, a full Seal team onto one Blackhawk with a hundred fuckin' computers and boxes of harddrives and vidoes and the body of Osama bin Laden, No problem," said Sergaent Lillian 'Butch' Gumsly. "So what if were six times over weight capacity with one copter already down. The fuckin' media will buy anything."

The MacDonald

“The Donald has exactly the right stuff for the American presidency,” Edward Bernays at the PR firm MPG & Associates. “The Donald is already a celebrity and a household name. Through his casinos, he’s mobbed up so he already has a White House staff in waiting albeit New York based and not Chicago. But why quibble? They all use Glocks with silencers or Desert Eagles.”

“Oh, can you imagine the foreign wars when Trump is elected,” cooed Lockheed Martin Chief Engineer Wernher von Braun. “Fuck, we’ll make a fortune in body bags alone. Obama ought to be nervous. There’s nothing to galvanize the yahoos out there like a Republican war.”

“Trump definitely has what it takes to be Pres,” said his campaign manager, The Situation. “He don’t know shit. He’s white. He’s an asshole. He’s a rich asshole. He’s white.”

But that could describe any of the of the Republican candidates.

“But have you seen his smokin’ wife. Trump’s a real swinging dick.”

Okay. That does narrow the Republican field down to one or two. 'Camel Toe' Bachmann and possibly The Donald.