The Assassinated Press

Rock And Roll Hall Moves To Adopt A Zero Tolerance Drug Policy.
Taking Its Lead From Baseball, Rock And The Roll Hall of Fame Plans To Expunge The Careers Of Any Inductee Who Used Illegal Performance Enhancing Drugs.
Pat Boone And Anita Bryant Will Most Likely Be Only Members Of Hall Left.
"I Wouldn't Come On Corny To The Man Who Gave Me The Sound."

The Assassinated Press

CLEVELAND, OHIO--Where would Jimi Hendrix’s Electric Ladyland be without illegal performance enhancing drugs? Could the Beatles have written and performed such hit albums as St. Pepper’s, or the Stones, Satanic Majesty’s Request, or the Doors, L.A. Woman, or Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited or Elvis’s Peace In The Valley if all of these artists had not been high on illegal performance enhancing drugs when they recorded those albums?

According to Bob Costas, the new Director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio, virtually all of rock and roll needs an asterisk by its greatest landmarks because virtually all of the great rock music ever produced owes its success to illegal performance enhancing drugs. “Using illegal performance enhancing drugs is simply not fair to the musicians who played clean and not only are not in the Hall of Fame, but may have never made it out of their parents’ basements because they couldn’t muscle up on their power chords like that fucked up junkie Pete Townsend,” Costas told the Assassinated Press.

"The Night Has A Thousand Eyes"

It’s been rumored for decades that many of the greatest recordings, in fact all of the greatest recordings, in the history of rock and roll would not have been possible without the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs. Close scrutiny by several congressional committees and decades of illegal wiretaps and surveillance by the DEA, FBI, NSA, DCI, NRO, CIA, Fish and Wildlife, FBN, OSI, ATF, AIA, MCIA, NGA, CGI, INR and ONI have revealed that performance enhancing drugs such as marijuana, peyote, LSD, cocaine and heroin have played central roles in rock and roll's skyrocketing popularity as America’s music. Rock and roll musicians have gone on to become America’s most popular official and unofficial cultural ambassadors habituating billions across the globe to the American way of life.

But now, all that is about the to change as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame working with the Drug Enforcement Agency and the FBI moves to adopt its new zero tolerance drug policy. Starting September 1st, 2007, any rock and roll artist entering a recording studio will be subject to a random drug test. If that artist is found to be using any of the 291 illegal performance enhancing drugs on the DEA’s list, he or she will not be allowed to market their wares in the United States and its territories. Further, all recordings that made the Billboard Top 100 due to illegal performance enhancing drugs will be expunged from the record, all royalties will be subject to a lien by the federal government and any and all abusers will be denied future entry into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

“It’s bloody ironic,” commented British rocker Keith Richard(s). “After smart bombs and imperialist wars, rock n’ roll is the U.S.’s number one export. Rock n’ rollers have been America’s true ambassadors to the world. It’s just shocking to learn that all that fuckin’ great music was made under the influence of illegal performance enhancin’ drugs, ay, Mick.”

"Ay, fucking shocking, Keith. Tie me off. Me left side's dozed off."

A thornier issue is what to do with the hundreds of rock n’ roll artists who have already been inducted in the Hall of Fame who got there with the help of performance enhancing drugs. Testimony at several Congressional hearings has revealed that virtually all of the Hall’s “greats” got their by using drugs that would increase their performance.

"If You're Going To San Francisco Make Sure To Comb The Bugging Device Out Of Your Hair."

Further, secret government programs conducted by the FBI, CIA and the old Federal Bureau of Narcotics reveal that virtually since rock and roll’s inception the U.S. government has been tracking the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs by the industry. In fact under the supervision of the CIA’s Sidney Gottlieb and with the help of the old FBN’s (now the DEA) George White a cheap version of LSD was introduced into Haight Ashbury in the late fifties kicking off the generation of love and the counter-culture. The CIA made one erstwhile attempt in the 1970’s to collect royalties on such drug enhanced songs as Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit and the Grateful Dead’s Casey Jones, but the Dead's lawyer, Melvin Belli, easily beat off the Agency's challenge in Court demonstrating that the bud responsible for the Dead's greatest hits was not the inferior weed supplied by the Agency. The whole episode is set to be chronicled in a crank induced flashback set for the fall premier of L.A. Law."

The current plan drawn up under DEA and FBI supervision would purge the Hall of any or all performers suspected of using illegal performance enhancing drugs while in the act of creation. Exhumation and testing could be requested by a dead inductee’s family, but even if the tests proved inconclusive or negative the Hall could determine that the inductee was indeed using drugs during his or her performing days and therefore still be ineligible for induction.

If the plan as it currently exists is executed it will leave Pat Boone, the Staple Singers and Phil Spector as the only inductees left in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Attendance at the Hall is expected to fall. So as a solution Hall Director Bob Costas has suggested rushing new inductees into the breach “We are scouring the archives to search for musicians whose music evidences no use of illegal performance enhancing drugs,” Costas said. “So far, we’ve got the Irish tenor from the Lawrence Welk show, Anita Bryant, Silmaril and 10% of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Unfortunately, the cadavers of the All Saved Freak Band tested positive for crack.

"Aaaah, Give Me Money..."

Naturally, the City of Cleveland which depends on the Hall for tourist dollars opposes the plan to make the Hall a drug free zone. City Fathers rushed through a bill last week legalizing all 291 performance enhancing drugs on the DEA’s hit list for the greater Cleveland area.

But the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s new director, Bob Costas, plans to go forward with the plan to purge the Hall of any and all offenders and bar further offenders from being inducted into the Hall.

Lawyers representing the City of Cleveland have asked the Third Circuit court to issue an injunction against the purge. The lawyers argue that, unlike baseball, rock and roll is pure entertainment whose sole purpose is to make money. They point out that in Rock and Roll, unlike baseball, awards and hit records are based solely on the artist’s financial performance. Part of their brief reads “In rock and roll a home run is measured not in feet but in sales and sales alone.” Lawyers for the Rock and Roll Hall countered that indeed like home runs number one records are counted in the same way and using illegal performance enhancing drugs gives an unfair advantage to the musician who is using.

For the moment, Director Costas is standing firm and he has Congress behind him. Last week the Committee heard from ex-Medellin and Cali cartel Colombian drug lords, Afghan poppy farmers, the CIA and California bud barons, and an array of university horticulturalists on the illegal performance enhancing dangers of using their products. But they put the blame squarely on the performers. “If these degenerates wouldn’t use we wouldn’t be faced with this dilemma of who belongs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and who doesn’t. We wouldn’t have to worry about which records were the result of performance enhancing drugs and which weren’t,” testified George White, the former Federal Bureau of Narcotics & Central Intelligence Agency employee who introduced LSD into Haight Ashbury in 1957.

Faced with enormous financial losses, ASCAP has offered a compromise. “Why don’t we just put an asterisk next to every artist whose sales records are tainted by illegal performance enhancing drugs. After a while we’d have to put an asterisk by everyone’s name so it really wouldn’t matter”

But where would that leave Anita Bryant?