The Assassinated Press

Candy Magnate and President Elect of Ukraine, Petro Poroshenko, Meets with IMF.
IMF lays out austerity plan for Ukraine whereby most workers will be paid in candy bars.
Move set to improve productivity with entire population on a ‘sugar high’.
Country to be flooded with CIA heroine. Candy to provide relief for those impoverished millions that can't afford 'High Grade Agency Shit'.

The Assassinated Press

In April, the IMF had approved a $17 billion two-year loan to Ukraine, with 3.2 billion available immediately and the remainder subject to frequent reviews. As of yet no IMF money has arrived in Kiev that the Ukrainian people are aware of.

The loan was subject to IMF demands that Ukraine cut subsidies for fuel, reduce its deficit by selling off all of its assets including its art and culture, throw people out of their homes, control pay raises, cancel pensions, cut public transportation, hire the unemployed to clear corpses from the gutters, privatize health insurance, accept Draconian interest rates, increase corruption and make its banking system more like post-Glass-Steagall Wall Street.

Now, the IMF has made its promises of loans dependent on a new demand, that all Ukarinians be paid in candy bars produced by corporations once owned by President Elect Poroshenko, but soon to become part of the vast IMF/Wall Street portfolio.

The “thinking” among the savants at the IMF is that by keeping the Ukrainian population on a 24 hour sugar high productivity will soar. “They will eat like starving children in some war torn hell hole,” Jamie Dimon of Goldman Sachs told the Wall Street Journal.

The CEO of the IMF, Christine Lagarde, told the Assassinated Press that the Ukrainian people will have no say in the matter. “We can’t have elections and votes and endless referendums on how we will live now, can we?” she said. “That would be anarchy.”