The Assassinated Press

As the Island Nation sinks into the Indian Ocean, the US launches another coup against Nasheed in the Maldives.
Are Americans really turds? Depends on who you ask.

The Assassinated Press

As we all know and accept, Mohamed Nasheed cannot be allowed to return to the presidency in the Maldives. His principled ecological stance against global climate change is intolerable to the US corporate culture and they write US legislation and we follow along like turds in the toilet’s maelstrom.

Nasheed has come close to winning re-election in the Maldives despite a US fostered coup against him in 2012 when Nasheed was forced to resign.

Therefpre, as per special ops czar General McRaven’s direction and approval by the Koch brothers, JSOC (The Joint Special Operations Command) has put boots on the gorund in the Maldives.

But there’s a problem. There is no longer any ground. The plan was to utilize a sandy beach outside the capital, Male, as a landing area formerly used by two platoons of Navy Seals disguised as a mercenary force of Tamil militants in 1988 and a company of JSOC operational forces flown in as insurance that Nasheed would resign in 2012.

Just nine months ago satellite imaging had shown the area to be clear. But upon putting down two CH-47 Chinook s , the pilots realized the heavy aircraft was sitting in a foot of water up to its belly in sand. Troops dismounted into a quagmire of fetid garbage much of it mailings of sex toys and guns with addresses in the United States.

“I saw the plastic packaging for a Luger I bought online through Ebay stuck in my boot,” Sgt. Vivian Posey of Fort Dog Meat, KS told the Assassinated Press. “I feel really bad like all these years I’ve just been fucking up myself when all I wanted to do was join JSOC and fuck up my fellow man.”

Jesus as Junk Yard God to Imperialist Corporatism

As a result, the JSOC forces have been housed in a nearby tourist hotel nursing a number of foot ailments from leprosy to Koch poisoning.

The husks of the two Chinooks lie in the polluted lagoon stripped by local chop chops with salvage contracts to Koch industries.

“Fuck. Intel nine months ago put us on a sandy beach with bikini clad locals we hoped to rape then strafe,” decried Mickey Dogbucket of Fort Woozy, IN. “But what do we get. A foot of putrid water filled with long inorganic polymers made by Koch Industrial Pollutants in my hometown, that fucking shithole, Fort Woozy, I’ve spent my shit filled life trying to escape and take out on other people.”

“What?! No cable!” cried Private Chuck Nearmiss, of Fort Fingerrlickin, ND. And the boozed and drugged out JSOC lot began throwing the motel’s TVs into the Indian Ocean, hoping to create by evolutionary accident a new atoll on which to build another thousand years old culture, no doubt.