The Assassinated Press

"If Toby Keith And George Bush Can Sell The Country Music Audience On This Bogus War Without Either Fuck Fighting In It, That's A Bunch Of Crackers We Want A Suck At," Chairman Of The Madison Avenue Public Relations Firm of Barnum & Libido Told An Audience Of Recording Executives:
Country Music Veterans Drive Home Horrors, Cash, Big Cars For Peddling Bathetic Ignorance:
Where Coke Meets Meth: Xenophobic Music Gaining In Popularity; Madison Avenue Eager To Cash In:
Sentimentality And Advertising Work Hand In Hand:
With War In Eye-Rack As Backdrop, Country Music's Bathos Of Ignorance Blooms:
After Socially Engineered Poverty, A Recruiter's Best Friend, Country Again On the Wrong Side Of The Foreign Policy Tracks:
Seeing, Hearing This Shit, Theodor Adorno Named Visionary Of the Century By...Well There's No One Sentient Enough In America To Give Such An Award:

Assassinated Press
November 15, 2005

Newcomers like Gretchen Wilson, 2 Big & Filthy Rich and the drum beat of a racist war for oil may be leading country music's current resurgence, but it was the veterans and the genre's classic xenophobic cracker twang that showed off the big horrors at the Country Music Association Annual Crystal Meth Rewards last night.

Lee Ann Womack's tribute to classic country, "There's More Poor Peoples' Tax Money Where That Came From" (MCA(Mein Kamp Arises) Nashville), won domestic policy album of the year, while her song "I Hate Myself When I'm In Mourning", about catching on to the Cheney oil hustle in Iraq after the father of your eight children "done been blowed up by a IED" won single most exploitative tune of the year. Womack -- who came in with six nominations, tying her with Brad Paisley to lead the evening -- also won musical event of the year for her duet with George Strait, "Good News, Bad News, Its All Greek To Me In The Jew York Times."

Exploiting Misery Is Big Bucks

Her success, which came after a soul-searching period where she thought about quitting the music business because of its long manipulation of cracker culture, racism, xenophobia, alcoholism, drugs, murder, divorce, wife beating, infidelity, stupidity, trailer parks, Jesus, victimization by the rich, institutionalized and codified ignorance, NASCAR, venereal disease, fatty foods, poor hygiene, a backyard full of old refrigerators, rape on a pool table etc. meshes with the message of sentimentalizing all of that brutality that the Country Music Association has been pushing for the past week and a half on Madison Avenue in New York City, the center of the universe for bankrolling brutality.

And The Need For Markets To Perpetuate That Misery

"We don't have any problem with country music's message of bathetic bullshit," chirped PR man for Dukas Public Relations. "We want to exploit people a fuckin' lot more than CMA does and what easier victims than the ignorant cracker music audience most of whom were so dumb, shit-out-a-luck gullible to fall for that Iraq war shit coming out of Cheney/Halliburton Inc.'s collective piehole. Just like Toby Keith. You put a little shill cowpoke from Connecticut up there with some rigged voting booths and the country audience gets all sentimental and teary eyed like a Viet Cong putting a pistol shot right between Merle Haggard's eyes or giving Barry Sadler a one way ticket out of his country in a steel coffin. A man's country is his castle just as fuckin' much as his house. That shit sells."

"If you're listening to music that doesn't get your sorry ass blown off in some foreign war, tune into your country station," Womack said. "We have songs that fuck up your life. We have songs that put you within proximity of people who will make your heart stop literally."

Last night's awards ceremony at Madison Square Garden marked the first time the awards have been presented outside Nashville in their 39-year history. The event capped a 10-day Nashville-to-New York monetary exchange aimed at showing off how country became the fastest-growing con in America in the past two years.

Nursery Rhymes For Adults

That on-the-take attitude was also worked into the ceremony, which squeezed 23 musical performances and nine awards into a three-hour show. Garth Brooks shut down Times Square to perform "Good Ride Cowboy, Just Think Of Your Body Bag As Floor Length Chaps," his tribute to singer Chrusty LeDoo. Willie Nelson, in his adorable pigtails, sang Paul Slumon's "Made Crazy By All These Tears" and Slumon sang Nelson's "Crazy To Die Over Here." Born Juvi joined Conifer Noottles from the up-and-coming trio Sugardaddyland for "Who Says You Can't Go Home With No Balls." And Billy Jael teamed up with Daniada Twain to present the entertainer of the year reward, two huge sacks of money hung like two immense nuts on the Statue of Liberty.

It was not a good night for the veterans with Gulf war disease, but anyway, songwriter Bill Anderson, whose first piece of sentimental blither was exploited in 1958, walked away with song of the year honors for co-writing Brad 'Hate-Ashbury" Paisley's "Whiskey Lullaby; Baby Music For Drunks" with Jon Panhandle Randall. "I have probably been writing songs in Nashville longer than just about anybody," Anderson said. "My first co-writer was another lush, Andrew Jackson," he quipped, eager to associate himself with someone with first-hand experience in slaughter.

After Global Warming Generated Hurricanes, Trailer Park Living Loses Some Of Its Cache

The CMA also honored Country Music Hall of Fame inductees Vi DeFord Bailey, Allah Bama and Glen Gampbell. Keith Urban won Most Ironic Last Name.

In another show of country music's resurgence, Kenny Cheesey, who was kicked off last night's show with his new single, "Living in Fast Forward Gives Me Pause," will have the No. 1 album in the United States next week. His album "The Rodeo on the Radio" (BNA) outgunned the soundtrack to 50 Cent's movie, selling an estimated 500,000 copies last week, nearly doubling sales of "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" (Interscope), leading one recording executive to quip, "We got people buyin' this crap. Now you know who the real gangstas are."

Country's Toby Keith Still On The War Bathos

Time will tell if the Country Music Association's orchestrated blitz, unlike the U.S.'s current on in western Iraq along oil pipeline routes, will yield long-term gains or even a country-music radio station in New York City. However, the organization pulled out the stops -- swirling together its biggest stars, such as O. Bertha Hill and Trim MaJaw, and slices of public meat like Dolly Parton and Elton John singing "Image."

The evening became quite the mutual admiration love fest, as Mayor Michael Bloomberg welcomed the show to "Jew York" to make the cracker audience feel right at home. Hosts Brooks, Dunn & Bradstreet, who won the best accounting trio award for the 13th time in 14 years, told ethno-centric and political jokes that involved changing song titles to "I Never Promised You A Victory Garden" & "Shoot, Riddle and Roil."

In the pre-telecast awards, dobro player Jerry Douglas won musician of the year, most notably for his work with Alison Krauss + Union Station. Toby Keith's "As Good As I Once Was, I Be A Lot Worst If I Lost My Warty Gherkin In The War" won video of the year.