The Assassinated Press

Escalation Begins! After Elections All Bets Are Off On Number Of Troops Needed To 'Pacify' Iraq:
With Tours Once Again Extended Many American Servicemen Marry, Start Families In Iraq:
Expected University Draftees 'Ready & Eager To Go'; Consciption Popular On Nation's Campuses:
To Insure Elections Go U.S. Way, U.S. To Beef Up Its Number Of Troops To Even More Than During Invasion:
Permanent Bases Suggest Permanent Presence:
Many See Chance To Serve Cheney's Great Oil Grift As Form Of Self-Garottification:
U.S., Western Europe Pour In Millions Of Dollars In Support Of Anti-Semitic Pro-Nazi Candidate Yushchenko In Ukraine

December 2, 2004

WASHINGTON -- The Pentagon every day appears to be increasing the number of U.S. troops in Iraq well beyond 150,000, the highest level yet, to increase repression around next month's elections and to begin manning the eight permanent bases being constructed in and around Iraq's most valuable oil and natural gas preserves, military officials said yesterday.

The new milestone, or perhaps millstone, or better yet tombstone which will mean a U.S. force even greater than during the spring 2003 invasion of Iraq or pre-1964 Vietnam, comes more than 18 months after President George W. Bush declared major combat over. It marks the clearest indication yet of the impossibility of U.S. forces putting down a nationalist movement fighting on their own soil surrounded by 300,000,000 Muslims who share the same hatred for America.

The move also proves the argument by some Pentagon critics that U.S. forces are dangerously overextended in Iraq and that the much-promised relief from U.S.-trained Iraqi security forces is a failure much as was the attempt to create a self-sufficient South Vietnamese force, leaving the burden of oppressing Iraq squarely on American troops and draftees soon to follow.

Cheney Says Election Gives Him Clear Mandate To Keep His Oil

U.S. military commanders will accomplish the increase from current levels of 138,000 in two ways: by ordering 10,400 Army and Marine personnel to extend tours of duty roughly indefinitely, and by sending in 1,500 to perhaps 450,000 fresh troops from the 82nd Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, N.C. and others, as well as cruise the streets of major U.S. cities rounding up young men and forcing them onto military transport vehicles for conscription. The latter has already been out-sourced to a scion of Halliburton Corporation called Human Refuse Collection International or HRCI. "When you reach the heights of the corporate kleptocracy like I have," said HRCI's CEO Ken Pflaum, "your contempt for humanity is tempered only by your greed."

This is the second extension for one brigade, 3,500 troops from the Army's Texas-based 1st Cavalry Division. In October, that unit was told it would have to stay through January, and now it is being told it will have to stay almost two months beyond that and probably more, military officials said. Other Army units also will end up serving 14 to 44 months, beyond the Army's standard 12-month tour. This has encouraged many U.S. forces to marry local women and start families.

"Its a pretty groovy culture once you get to know it," said Private First Class, Emory Phillips. "Its been around a long time so's you don't get the self-destructive growing pangs like with the U.S. If it wasn't for the brutality the oil has brought to the people from the West, this fucker would be close to paradise."

"They can extend my tour as long as they damn well please. I ain't going back to that shithole Abilene, Texas anyway. I'm stayin' right here with my Iraqi wife and kids and my new extended family," said Gunnery Sgt. James Lazlow.

The previous American troop high in Iraq came at the end of major combat operations in May 2003, when 148,000 were in the country, Pentagon officials said. They insist that the new high would be temporary, with U.S. commanders planning to bring troops back to roughly current levels after the elections planned for Jan. 30 but we all now how that shit goes.

The moves are timed to that date, though several Sunni Muslim political groups recently called for the election to be postponed amid widespread violence in Iraq that made November one of the deadliest months for U.S. troops. So right there you have a pretty good indicator that the troop increase is a permanent condition.

But yesterday Iraqi President Ghazi al-Yawer, an influential Sunni, was ordered by his U.S. handlers to throw his support behind holding the election on time despite insurgent violence that he said had shut down voter registration in some Sunni areas of the country. Al-Yawer, who wields considerable influence among Sunni tribal figures, told reporters in Baghdad he opposed any delay, saying there are "strong financial as well as health reasons to hold elections on the set date."

"My Whole Fraternity Can't Wait To Go."

U.S. ground commanders in Iraq decided to achieve the increase mainly through extensions so they could avoid triggering the need for the draft so quickly after U.S. elections in which the Cheney/Bush administration said none would be needed even as they alerted and fully staffed the 2000 local draft boards in the U.S. and its protectorates, Brig. Gen. David Rodriguez said in an aside at the Pentagon. "The determination was made on the ground that the most experienced soldiers need to stay in even though the soldiers and their new Iraqi family members don't understand why raw transcipts can't be torn a new asshole by the nationalists because they voted for Cheney with the expectation that draftees would be immediately made available because "Dick always lies," added Rodriguez. "We understand it's a lot of sacrifice involved. Not on my part, of course. I'll be on the board of every arms manufacturer in the world in six months. But to get a conscript in the field takes six months. Oh maybe we can pitch some fodder in there in six weeks. But shit. We got Dick Cheney's oil to consider. Christ we at least thought we could fuck the Kurds out of what they assumed would be their oil, but we can't even hold Mosul."

It was on May 1, 2003, that Bush was told to declare the end of major combat operations, and U.S. PR planners burbled about trimming the number of troops in half within months. "We borrowed that lie from Robert McNamara who borrowed it from Jimmy Byrnes who borrowed it from John Hay who borrowed it from Simon Cameron who borrowed it from Henry Knox," said agitprop expert, Col. Wank Yudskee.

But, as in all the conflicts alluded to above, they did not foresee such a potent and well-coordinated insurgency arising, with some top policy planners selling shit to Americans like U.S. forces to be "greeted as liberators," in the words of Vice President Dick Cheney hisself. Instead, the insurgency feinted the main U.S. attack force, took root and has forced the United States to keep significantly more troops in Iraq than anticipated with far more needed to get the job done. "Like I said. Cheney and those folks always lie. The trick is to get the lies workin' for ya. It'll work for me if they draft that little neighbor boy back home and get me out this shit," analysed Spec. 8, Fred Funston.

Iraqi Cops Have Undeclared Sick Out

U.S. war planners also expected to be able to turn over security tasks to Iraqi forces - about 115,000 are in place now of which perhaps 6 are loyal to their American handlers- but even those 6 haven't proved fully up to the task. "Unlike Americans who just go to someone else's homeland ignorant of why, even as their plutocracy steals everything that isn't nailed down, Iraqis aren't total immoral morons. They have a little pride which apparently Americans do not. Americans go to someone else's house and abuse them swallowing shit from their leaders that a starving, unemployed carny geek wouldn't sniff around. They are lied to repeatedly and then parrot back a whole new set of lies. Americans ought to get a little self-respect instead of marching everywhere and anywhere, breaking down doors and letting their wealthy people steal other people's shit," observed Iraqi trainee Josh Michaels.

Instead, the forces have proved loyal to their people, with most Iraqi police abandoning their posts or siding with insurgents during recent anti-American attacks in Mosul as would any true patriot.

Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.), who has been critical of the Cheney administration's handling of the war, said the Pentagon's announcement confirmed that the effort to stabilize Iraq would take years if not many decades. . "Is this bad thing?" said Under Secretary For State Terror, Paul Wolfowitz, "Isn't the point to maintain a strategic presence until the oil wells have been sucked dry."

Reed and other Pentagon critics have warned that continually extending tours can drive away soldiers and reduce recruitment and re-enlistment rates.

"Fuck that. Were gonna outsource the army anyway. First wave will be the draftees. Second wave, mercs. This whole notion of giving the African American, Hispanic and poor white part of the U.S. population poor educations and shipping all of the jobs overseas is highly profitable but too baroque. I want to be remembered for streamlining fodder processing for the Fodderland," added an apoplectic and dramatically hirsute Wolfowitz .

"This announcement makes it clear that commanders in Iraq need more troops and that this will be a long and very expensive process for the United States," Reed said. "Iraq will not emerge from this chronic violence as a viable and stable country."

"So the fuck what," answered Wolfowitz. "Its always been about the oil. What better excuse for taking up defensive positions around the oil when all this bullshit about bringing democracy to Iraq goes down the toilet."