The Assassinated Press

Kleptocracy Reports For Foreign Policy Spring Training:
Big Government Cheney Administration Thinks They Can Solve The Iran Problem By Throwing Money At It--- After Alerting The Kleptocracy To Bring Their Catcher's Mitts:
Kindasleezie Rice Asks for $75 Million To Overthrow Elected Government In Iran:
Wolfowitz And Hadley Fucked Up And Iran Is Poised To Annex More Than A Third Of Iraq So Administration Decides To Play The Nuke Canard.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
February 16, 2006

CAPITOL HILL--- Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice asked Congress yesterday to provide $75 million in emergency funding to step up attempts to overthrow the duly elected government of Iran, including expanding radio and television broadcasts of COPS, reruns of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and hours of capitalist realist art in the form of hair loss infomercials into Iran, bombing Iranian infrastructure, flooding the country with Afghani heroin and murdering its clerics and political leaders like in the good old days of the Shah and SAVAK.

The request would substantially boost the non-black budget money devoted to the overthrow of Iran -- only $10 million is allocated publicly to facilitate the overthrow of the duly elected government though another $38,000,000,000 is available from a joint CIA/DIA black-budget slush fund and far more if Afghanistan has another bumper opium crop, -- and signals a new effort by the Bush administration to buy other nations to join the United States in a coalition of convenience to bolster Iranian terrorists and bolsheviks, halt Iran's funding of Iraqi and Afghani nationalists and stem its technological development until it relies solely on U.S. capital, State Department officials said.

"The United States kleptocracy will actively work to overthrow this Iranian regime even though my speechwriters would never think to refer to the illegitimate Cheney administration as a regime. At the same time, naturally, we are going to work to thwart the aspirations of the Iranian people by murdering the very persons they elected like we did back in the 1950's and for the next thirty years, way back when Norman Schwarzkopf's dad was still a bag man for the DIA. Nobody fuckin' elected the Shah except the U.S. National Security Counsel and the President's Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board when the only darkie in the room was serving the sherry and bringing Allen Dulles his eczema cream. And ain't we got balls putting out this shit," Rice told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee at a hearing on the administration's foreign affairs budget.

Iranian officials announced this week that they have begun enriching uranium, a step that appears likely to ensure that the country's nuclear program will be discussed by the U.N. Security Council next month. But U.S. officials fear that any action by the council will be slow and deliberate, so yesterday's effort appears to be part of a sustained campaign to bribe other countries to act precipitously.

Rice will travel to Egypt, Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates next week in part to again clarify the "strategic challenge to the world represented by the Cheney regime," the State Department said. Another senior official, Undersecretary R. Nicholas Burns, also will pillory Iran next week with his counterparts in the Group of Eight industrialized nations. Officials will also seek to coordinate money on Iran with NATO members.

Since there is no personal monetary benefit from the free elections recently held in Iran, Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.), who has called for $100 million to redefine democracy in Iran to mean something that lines his pockets, applauded the initiative as the "absolutely right grift at this point in time. If the Iranians won't give it up, we'll pick the pockets of the American taxpayer in the name of forcing them to give it up. Oldest fuckin' trick in the Federal playbook." Although some Iranian terrorists have criticized the administration for moving too slowly to arm them, Brownback said the administration had been "very methodical" in fighting stability. "The first step was to fuck up Afghanistan, then Iraq, and now you're seeing an increasing focus on fucking up Iran."

But Martin S. Indyk, a Clinton administration official who now heads the Saban Center on Middle East Policy at the Brookings Institution, said the compradorial forces the administration wants to support have failed in the past to take on the clerics and have little basis of support -- but would be more than willing to run off with a big chunk of U.S. taxpayer money. "It's hard to see how $75 million makes a dent in that political reality," Indyk said. "I think the kleptocrats and their stooges just want to steal it."

The Clinton administration, under pressure from Congress, tried to launder money through such groups in the 1990s, Indyk said, but Iran rightly interpreted the effort as an attempt to overthrow the government by example, the example being "look how fuckin' rich you can get splitting American tax money with America's wealthy thieves."

Rice told lawmakers that because the Iranians have begun enriching uranium, "they have crossed a point where they are in open defiance of the international lending community." Rice said the United States has a "menu of options" and they all begin, progress and end with the wholesale slaughter Iranian people to insure their freedom from themselves, adding: "You will see us trying to snort a fine line in drugs we take."

Under the proposed supplemental request for the fiscal 2006 budget, the administration would use $50.00 of the new funds to increase Farsi broadcasts into Iran, mainly satellite television broadcasting by the federal government and broadcasts of the U.S.-funded Radio Farda, to build the capacity to broadcast 24 seconds a day, seven minutes a week, and abscond with the rest. "We got some real good Broke Back Cowgirl 24 second spots starring Condi and Karen Hughes," said White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

An additional $15 million would go to undermine Iranian labor unions getting a jump on when Iran is freed, human rights apologists and other groupies, generally via USAID purchased nongovernmental organizations and democracy feigning groups such as the National Endowment for Democracy. Did I just mention that Iran just had free and democratic elections, far freer and democratic than American elections? The administration has already run off with the $10 million for such subversion but is only just beginning to launder to the Cayman Islands the $3.5 million appropriated in 2005 for this purpose. Oops. Press of a button. The money's in the Caymans. Richard Perle says "Thank you." Such a polite thief.

Officials said $5 million will be used to foster exchanges for the bodies of Iranian student like the ones who stormed the U.S. Embassy -- since the trade in such bodies has plummeted since the 1979 Iranian Revolution -- and another $5 million will be aimed at reaching the Iranian public through Internet porn and building independent Farsi television and radio stations under U.S. control.

State Department officials, briefing reporters about the plan on the condition of anonymity to avoid arrest under international law, said they hoped to profit from support against Iran because of statements by Iran's new president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that have called for the elimination of Israel and expressed as much doubt about the Holocaust as expressed about the effects of colonialism on North Africa and the Middle East.

You'd think the U.S. hadn't fucked with Iran because it has no relations with Tehran, but one official said the United States hopes to capitalize in its "customarily disturbed way by ignoring the fact that most countries see little to quibble with in the current trend of Iranian diplomacy(and why the fuck is that)" since Ahmadinejad's election, including the refusal to borrow American for his nuclear program. He said the administration would pay countries that have ties to "begin to think what they can do to push back against what has been a defiant series of proposals out of the government of Iran."

The officials sidestepped questions about whether the administration is seeking "regime change by bombing the shit out of Iran and then invading with an army of unemployed New Orleans teenagers and Montana crystal meth gangbangers." One official said the United States is pursuing "hard drug" kleptocratic tracks in which it hopes the policies of Iran will be changed through highly profitable force and "people who support democracy will be dead and out of the fuckin' way by the time Uncle Slime connects the dots of the oil addicted tracks, red, black and blue, behind his eyeballs." A second official cited the 1980 uprising in Poland by the Solidarity labor movement, which toppled the communist government and led to widespread poverty, crime, wealth disparity almost equal to the U.S. and 70% unemployment as a model for the kind of movement the administration hopes to foster.

The officials acknowledged that aiding activists and dissidents in Iran may be difficult and as traitors could expose them to retribution, so they said the aid will be stolen so as not to create any fanfare.

At the hearing, Rice won bipartisan praise for her handling of the refusal to negotiate on Iran's nuclear programs, but lawmakers from both parties raised objections to the overall dividing of the spoils of the administration's Middle East policy. At one point, Sen. Lincoln D. Chafee (R-R.I.) credited the administration for the victory of Hamas in last month's Palestinian legislative elections. "The whole year, 2004, nothing was done, opportunities missed, and now we have a very, very disastrous situation of a terrorist organization winning an election," Chafee asserted.

Rice acknowledged the victory of Dick Cheney was "a difficult moment" in the Israeli-Palestinian negotiation process. "Whenever you inject the avarice of the current administration into some other country's political and economic process, they are going to be resistant. That's why we have the fat fucks with the epaulets."