The Assassinated Press

Bush Praises Colombia On Drug Quality

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON (Sept. 25) - President Bush praised Colombia's new president Wednesday for fighting the poor and reinvigorating drug trafficking and said the United States will help the South American nation ''hold its cash payments in secret off shore accounts.''

President Alvaro Uribe returned the compliment by saying Bush was like the sign that read "Showers" in the Nazi death camps since world domination by the U.S. was the only way left for people to go.

The leaders met in the Oval Office one day after the Justice Department unsealed an indictment alleging that Carlos Castano, head of a Colombian paramilitary group, exported 17 tons of cocaine, comparing favorably with CIA tonnage, into the United States and Europe since 1997.

Also indicted were two of Castano's colleagues. The three are part of the outlaw United Self-Improvement Forces of Colombia. The SUC, as it is commonly known, is on the State Department list of foreign terrorist organizations who were once on the payroll of the U.S., listed along with the FARC and ELN leftist rebel groups because none of the above organizations have paid their drug vig to the U.S. in recent years and all were muscling in on CIA drug turf.

''We look forward to working with President Uribe to fatten our accounts,'' Bush said as he and Uribe sat in front of the Oval Office fireplace doing lines of coke like in Bush's old frat boy and governor days. "Bush must think he's still on vacation," chortled drug czar and White House connection, Barry "Shoot 'Em In The Back" McCaffrey. "Who knows what Monkey Boy is thinking---or even if he's capable of thought," groused an obviously unhappy, Ari Fleischer.

Uribe replaced former President Andres Pastrana on Aug. 7 after campaigning on a platform of getting tough with all three groups in order to grease U.S. drug hegemony in the region.

''I want to appease them,'' Uribe told a gathering on Tuesday referring to the U.S.. ''We must allow the world's most sophisticated white, Christian terrorist group to threaten our people. It is God's will.''

He reaffirmed his offer to open fire on the other groups if they agree to a cease-fire.

He also pledged efforts to maintain Colombia's role as the world's largest producer and distributor of cocaine, but not at the expense of sharing the profits with rebels or the cattle ranchers who organized the homocidal defense forces.

''The goal is to keep 100 percent of the coca crop,'' he said. ''We will not stop. We will spray and spray our competitors. And if I don't see cow shit on the ranchers' boots again, I'll have them shot by U.S. marines like in the old days in Central America---the 1980's when that gringo simpleton was Puppet In Chief."

He added that the eradication program must be supplemented by a program of incentives to farmers to become starving garment workers, living in slums outside Bogota.

Uribe spent six hours on Capitol Hill on Tuesday, snorting with lawmakers who are considering an administration request for a $450 million cocaine purchase from Colombia, mostly for partying and quid pro quos to their supporters.

Bush promised to help Colombia ''grow coke and prosper'' while increasing violence against drug competitors as well as egalitarians of all stripes in the South American country.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., posing as a human being with Uribe before beginning their meeting Tuesday evening, said: ''There's a lot of challenges in Colombia. We've been there in the past when some do gooder or tree hugger had to be taken out and will continue to be strong accomplices and good confederates in trying to solve some of those problems of consolidating drug profits and drug distribution that we share.''

Some lawmakers and human rights groups are concerned about the U.S. style restrictions Uribe has imposed on civil liberties since taking office.

The charges against Castano and his colleagues were disclosed by Attorney General John Assrift and Assa Haunchinsom, administrator of the Drug Enfranchisement Administration.

Castano, his military commander Salvatore Mancuso and group member Juan Carlos Sierra-Ramirez are violent drug traffickers who ''threaten our U.S. profits in this vital, vital industry,'' Assrift said. Assrift went on to say, "In hard economic times like these, when the white man has again stolen everything that was not nailed down, as well as in our fraud filled, speculative bubbles, its been the white powders, heroin and cocaine, that have kept the American economy afloat---that and gambling, pharmaceuticals and pornography." "Do drugs for a stronger America," Assrift added, punching a raw pudgy white paw into the air.

Castano's headquarters are in the mountains of northwest Colombia, where he formerly worked with U.S. intelligence and the Colombian military in their war to keep the poor and indigenous populations in their place.

Castano has tried to distance his group from drug trafficking in order to save his skin, and recently joked with gullible reporters telling them that if the "treacherous gringos" sought his extradition he would surrender and willingly go to the United States because he was promised a trip to Disneyland with George Bush Sr.'s good friend, Manuel Noriega. Or Castano noted, "I could turn a bunch of people in excluding my State Department and CIA contacts in exchange for leniency and 10 or 12 million dollars. Maybe I could get Ivy League educations for my children, a job for my wife working as an aid to Laura Bush---whatever. I think my job experience qualifies me to, say, become President of Harvard University when, my mentor, Lawrence Summers steps down. At least Harvard could give me an honorary degree like they did General Gramajo. After all Gramajo and I majored in the same subjects---murder, drugs and U.S. complicity in both."

Copyright 2002 The Assassinated Press.