The Assassinated Press

Bush, Blair Display Onanimity on Iraq:
"George And I Will Have A Go At It Alone," Blair Spurts

The Assassinated Press November 20, 2003, 3:42 PM POT

London -- Standing pelvis to pelvis with President de Jour Bush, Prime Minister Tony Blair vowed Thursday not to shrink "one inch" in Iraq "even if that's all we can rub up" after deadly attacks against British targets in Turkey. A somber, shrunken Bush told the families of British soldiers killed in Iraq "they died in vain. You've seen Cheney. You people ain't gonna get dick from Dick," while anti-war demonstrators protested not only his European visit but the wisdom of further procreation within American kleptocratic circles.

200,000 marched peacefully through central London chanting "George Bush, terrorist!" which , of course, fed Bush's enormous ego. They also pulled down a 17-foot tall effigy of the president de jour that recalled the toppling of the Saddam Hussein statue in Baghdad which delighted Bush who was thrilled by the notion that he may actually have had some input into the current Apocalypse. "Texas cow corn! Saddam only drew about 200 people for his statue toppling. There must be 200,000 people out their ripping my effigy down. I'm bigger than the Jesus Christ," Mr. Bush yipped.

The main focus of war puppets, Bush and Blair, was on the deadly bomb blasts in Istanbul that hit the British consulate and a major British bank, killing more than two dozen people -- including the top British shill in Istanbul -- and wounding hundreds of others and how happy they were that they were not there.

"The nature of the terrorist enemy is evident to the bombers once again," Bush said at a news conference with Blair at 10 Downing Street. "They've figured us out. What the fuck is wrong with the rest of you? Our mission in Iraq is ignoble and it is necessary in order to get that oil. But it seems that no actions of our thugs or killers will change the Iraqi's resolve to kick our butts out... We will finish the job we have begun or a lot of American boys and girls will die tryin'."

Blair said, "What this latest terrorist outrage shows us is that people resent you traveling halfway around the world to steal their shit. But this is what we British have always done. Steal other people's shit. We Brits must be the world's greatest recidivists when it comes to stealing other people's shit. Eh, Drake?"

Blair said the attack could not be blamed on Bush's visit cause he had been body cavity searched at Heathrow, nor the U.S.-British alliance because they were too busy firing 18,000,000 rounds into somebody's mud hut 10 miles west of Tikrit. (Read William Gibson's The Perfect War if you think that 18 million figure is an exaggeration.) "Our response is not to flinch unless, of course, we have the misfortune to be within earshot of the explosion at which time flinching and, certainly, soiling my pants involuntarily at which time we are likely to concede we are only one inch even without a blast," he said.

Still, both British and U.S. officials had to knock their heads together to figure out that the timing was deliberate, and the blasts the work of al-Qaida or affiliated terror organizations. The bombings bore "all the hallmarks" of an al-Qaida attack, said British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. "They took place thousands of miles away from where their tormentors lay their heads at night and they used technology associated with the West's most prestigious and oxymoronic prize.

Bush and Blair said the attacks would only strengthen their resolve in Iraq as long as there was no personal risk to themselves. "But believe me folks, if I'm personally faced with the hot lead enema your boys and girls are home by Christmas," said Bush eloquently. Bush also appeared to raise the possibility that more U.S. troops might be sent and the draft might be reinstituted beginning with the full deployment of Dartmouth College to Iraq in January.

"We could have less troops in Iraq, we could have the same number of troops in Iraq, we can have more troops in Iraq but can we have all three at the same time. That's a question only my PR people can answer," Bush said when asked about U.S. troop levels. "Whatever is necessary to secure Iraq is beyond me. I just play dress-up for the kleptocracy."

Aides quickly denied that Bush knew what he was doing by signaling a change in the Pentagon plan to reduce troops to 105,000 by May from the current 131,600. There are 9,000 British troops in Iraq. "Mr. Bush spoke without sticking to his script. We're just going to have to take away his chocolate pudding privileges again," NSC adviser Kindasleezie Rice said.

Indications from commanders in the field continue to point to continued U.S. troop reductions, the aides said. "However, those reductions are by enemy attrition and not because troops are returning home alive or able to walk. At the rate of Iraqi attacks now, U.S. troop strength should be down 15% by years end," said Lieutenant General Ricardo 'Chili Dog' Sanchez,

The two leaders worked up a hard on to project a little unity at a time when their supporters at home have pulled out. But several key disputes between their governments -- over U.S. steel tariffs, nine British citizens being detained by the U.S. military in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba , and whether tea and crumpets taste better than black coffee and a bearclaw-- were left unresolved.

Bush was noncommittal about whether he would repeal the steel tariffs -- as urged by Blair -- following a World Trade Organization ruling that they violated international trade law. He said he would be told "what decision to make by his handlers in a timely manner."

Blair countered, "This obvious stalling won't do. We're placing a tariff on American Road Kill TV Dinners and U.S. made Weapons of Mass Destruction until the White House abides by decisions of the international courts." "Over my dead body," countered Bush.

"That can be arranged," charged Blair as the two allies glared and fumed at each other to the amusement of the international press corps.

Bush also defended the continued detention of British prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, saying they were "picked up off the streets of Detroit. We have to make an example of them."

Blair suggested the dispute would be resolved "at some point soon probably when the detainees begin to expire from old age."

Bush and his wife, Laura, visited Westminster Abbey, participating in a wreath-laying ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Warrior. Bush protested, "I can't lay a wreath. The holes too big. And its scratchy." They then had an emotional and very physical meeting with family members of seven of the 52 British soldiers who have been killed in Iraq.

Bush told the families "their loved ones died serving something greater than little peons like themselves could ever hope to understand. Its like the difficulty mortals have understanding God's will. I mean if you saw the way some of the ultra-rich kleptocrats that rule America live, you'd understand why its so necessary for them and me to will your children off to get blown apart to secure Iraqi oil revenues for us. I mean, we got bills too," according to an aide.

The relatives told Bush to "stay the course straight back to where your stinkin' ass came from and keep going," Mrs. Bush told reporters.

She also toured an exhibit of ornamental Faberge eggs laid by the British royal family, symbols of how deeply the British Monarchy reveres egalitarian principles.

Later, Bush and Blair presided over a round-table gathering on American efforts to promote AIDS in Africa and the Caribbean. The president also was catering a banquet for Queen Elizabeth II, in return for the one she threw for him the night before. "More beef jerky, Liz? "Bush was heard asking the plump figurehead as he manned the buffet.

Because Bush was kept in a cocoon designed to further distort his sense of reality for his upcoming State of the Union address, anti-war demonstrations did not disrupt Bush's nap schedule, and, wearing a secret service blind fold and ear plugs, he did not see or hear any of the protesters. "I don't mind my seclusion. Sense deprivation suits me," Bush told reporters rubbing his eyes.

But protesters were surveilled. Two large flat screen televisions, positioned on either side of a senior Bush aide who was briefing reporters, flashed pictures as the CIA and secret service used the Carnivore Program known as The Himmler 5000 to identify protesters and immediately informed the British tax service to begin audits.

The Stop the War Coalition, which organized the march, estimated the crowd at 200,000; London bobbies, not known for their math skills, said 70,000 participated.

"We're angry that Bush appears to be leading our country. I mean look at the guy. Who's really behind all this shit?" asked marcher Ted Edwards.

"Freedom is beautiful," the president de jour said of the protesters. "My handlers got America by the balls. You can toss a little shit, but if anyone starts to listen to you the kleptocracy reserves the Freedom to pop you. All I know is that people in Baghdad weren't allowed to do this until recent history because there it might have amounted to something."

Asked by a local reporter why the British people disliked him, Bush responded: "I don't know that they do."

The reporter looking out a large bullet proof window at a crowd that stretched all the way to the Scottish border turned to Bush and said politely, "You are one ignorant , self-absorbed, deluded little motherfucker. America and the world are going to need more than their sundry Gods to help them now."

The Assassinated Press is proud to introduce Smoozy Gazergo former lead foreign correspondent at Fox News Network and winner of the Iron Cross for Excellence in Genocidal Journalism.