The Assassinated Press

Poll Finds 98% of Respondents Believe Murdoch Ordered Wire Hacks --- And Are Fine With It.
Most People in Survey Demand Video Hacking of Private Lives For Their Personal Amusement.

The Assassinated Press

Father --------------------------- Son ---------- Holy Ghost

“Do ya think Murdoch’s got the video a the Queen takin’a shite?” Mavis Eppy of Hounslow asked. “That’d be grand.”

And so it goes. Apparently the British and American public are upset by the so-called revelation that Rupert Murdoch and his minions hacked the phone messages of dead girls and soldiers killed in action. Also, to a person they believe Murdoch directed the hacking. But they aren’t upset because the hacking was done, but because it does not include any photos or video.

"Hacking the phone calls of the families of 'dead sodiers?" asked Biddie Shrapnel of Hackney. "What? We in war or somethin'. I certainly hope them Hitler blokes aren't about or them Argentines."

“Don’t the Yanks have them nano-drones,” asked Buster Doople of Chelsea. “Ya know them tiny planes wif a camera the size of a flea what can get in any door crack. It would be spankin’ ta see the Royals or David Cameron wipin’ their ass or find out whether they wipe their own ass or if somebody does it for ‘em.” Or King David havein' it one wif Maggie Thatcher bein' that sots quid pro quo. Or Tony Blair blowin' George Bush for posterity."

Bob Subhuma of Fort Putz, Indiana who works for Lockheed/Martin said, “Nano-drones are just in the testing phase. The taxpayer as usual has paid for the basic research. Now, it’s just up to amoral pricks like myself to develop them with more taxpayer money and sell them to world class shits like Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch and ‘Voila!’ you got crystal clear, high def streaming video of Erik Cantor fucking his collie and Social Security is saved.”

Not one respondent to the survey complained that the hacking was immoral much less illegal. Most wanted more. None doubted Murdoch was the mastermind.

American consumers were even more adamant about Murdoch’s role than their British counterparts.

“You’re kidding. Right,” Blimpie Ecco of Fort Jizzlily, Utah asked rhetorically. “Murdoch and Ailes? NewsCorp and FOX? Ever since the Hitler/Goebbels thing. Ya know. Nuremberg and the hangings, Murdoch and Ailes, those two assholes have been my inter-galactic standard for lies and propaganda. They do a great job. Even better than US intelligence. I’m grateful for their well-thought out bullshit. It’s so left field, it stops moral and ethical people right in their tracks every time and justifies every fuckin’ thing I don’t do. Did Murdoch direct the wire hacking? Fuck! I’d be disappointed if he didn’t.”

“Just between you and me, young man. I wish I was famous enough to be hacked,” said Emma Piles of Bromley. “Have I got the low down on my pastor. And I dance with my cats and give fellatio to my favorites and my sister just had her jaw removed. Cancer. And a cousin was hit by a tram after gettin’ sucked off in a alley in Merton. Let’s see Gordon Brown top that.”

The public’s hunger for ‘hacked’ video appears to be the result of declining literacy rates especially in America where literacy rates have hit a 1400 year pre-Mayan low. It has certainly dampened the impact of the NewsCorp revelations as many fourth and fifth generation Americans struggle with English as a second language.

“We need pitchers,” said Mabel Pitts a Fort Depends Missouri. “I appreciate Murdoch doing the hackin’ and all whatever the fuck that is But I like my movin’ pitchers. Tell the boy to get the pitchers. I’d love ta see Karl Rove shaving his ballsack for a night on the town. Or Charles Koch importing Filipino boys which he assfucks while he shoots them in the back of their heads. I just love to see the little foibles of royalty.”