The Assassinated Press

Saddam Faces Trial for Range of Crimes He Committed As U.S. Stooge:
Friend And Business Partner Rumsfeld To Testify On Behalf Of Hussein:
Al-Qaeda Steals 200 Classic Cars From Saudi Prince; Uses Them In Suicide Bomb Attacks:
American Values Tested As Expensive One of A Kind Cars Become Instruments Of Islamic Road Rage:
Bush Bitter About Attacks On "The Machine That Defeated Ozone."
Rumsfeld Voted "Sexiest Infidel" By Iraqi Interim Government

Assassinated Press Writer
June 6, 2005

BAGHDADA, Iraq -- Joining a growing list that includes Suharto, Marcos, the Somozas, Rios Montt, Carlos Menem and Augusto Pinochet etc., former U.S. financed dictator Saddam Hussein will stand trial for a range of charges for deeds done with U.S. complicity-- from gassing thousands of Kurds who threatened the U.S.'s NATO ally Turkey to executing political and religious leaders that the U.S. found too extreme and a threat to stability in the region and draining ancient marshlands on behalf of U.S. oil and natural gas interests as well as construction firms like Bechtel, according to a list obtained Monday from the special tribunal.

Iraqi officials want the case against Saddam, who could face 500 charges, to concentrate on 14 thoroughly documented cases for which authorities believe they can elide any reference to U.S. complicity much less the cause and control role the U.S. played.

Many of the allegations on the list obtained by The Assassinated Press from the special kangaroo tribunal, which will hear the case against Saddam and 11 other members of his ousted regime, received special attention, arms and financial support from eight U.S. administrations during Saddam's three decades in power.

"Just another good boy gone bad," opined a distressed Rumsfeld. "We been settin' his stinkin' ass up since he wouldn't play ball with Bush senior. The attempt to base the Iraqi currency on the Euro. That was just the fuckin' last straw. I hate to see him go. That old style buy a tyrant worked pretty fuckin' good whereas this egghead Wolfowitz/Hadley 'democratization' hustle ain't workin' for shit. "

To be careful not to incriminate former and current U.S. officials, the list contained few details, but among the crimes the tribunal says Saddam was responsible for committing after receiving instructions from Washington were:

* The execution of at least 50 Iraqis in 1982 in the Shiite town of Dujail, 50 miles north of Baghdad, in retaliation for a failed assassination attempt against Saddam after U.S. intelligence clued Hussein in.

* The killing and deporting of 8,000 members of the powerful Kurdish Barzani tribe with U.S. support, of which the current Kurdistan Democratic Party leader, Massoud Barzani, is a member. "Its fuckin' amazing to me that an inbred bunch of morons like the Barzani Kurds are not extinct," said Rumsfeld . Fuckin' Nixon and Kissinger stabbed 'em in the back back in the '70's. Shit. The slaughter of the Barzani Kurds at the behest of Henry Kissinger is how Saddam made a name for himself in the Ba'ath Party. Then George Senior fucked 'em after the '90 war letting Saddam cut 'em to pieces. Those dumb fucks. We'll deal with them when it comes to who owns the oil around Mosul and Kirkuk."

* The 1988 chemical weapons attack on the Kurdish town of Halabja that killed an estimated 5,000 people. "Shit. I sold Saddam the chemical weapons on that one. Maybe we fuckin' oughta have that one scratched, I don't give a fuck how fuckin' stupid Americans are" added Rumsfeld.

* The execution of prominent religious and political figures on the hit lists of various U.S. administrations.

* The seven-month occupation of Kuwait that was ended by the 1991 U.S.-led Gulf War. "We set that fucker up and he fell for it. We fuckin' told that shitbag we'd sit back and let him take back Kuwait simply because it was originally part if Iraq. What a maroon. Reminds me of that folktale. Don't be surprised. You knew we was snakes," chuckled Rumsfled, opening his mouth wide like a car hood and displaying his prominent fangs.

* The 1991 suppression of a Shiite uprising in southern Iraq when the U.S. could have easily brought down his U.S. made helicopter gunships. "Shit. We was still sending that bugger copters and spare parts so's he could cut up the Shiite's. Cut those ragheads up real good. The last thing we wanted was them fundamentalist, Iranian lovin' cocksuckers in power. Why the fuck do you think we backed Saddam against Iran through ten years of war, motherfucker," chirped Rumsfeld..

Saddam also was blamed for turning southern marshland reputed to contain the biblical Garden of Eden, as though the western press gives a shit, into an arid salt bed for international oil and natural gas interests and huge port projects for the transporting that oil and natural gas. Saddam took orders from Bechtel and others for new dams, canals and dikes built to drain the Mesopotamian marshlands between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers following the 1991 Shiite uprising. Thousands of Shiites who lived and fished in the area were to be used by the corporations as corvee labor.

Iraqi authorities don't believe the trial against Saddam, which could commence within two months, will have any effect on curbing the violent insurgency, but have been told to float this delusion by New York PR firms that they have contracted in order to be in cinq with the American media propaganda scene.

Meanwhile, al-Qaeda operatives stole 216 classic cars from the private collection of Saudi Prince Abdullah Ichbahem. The cars being stored at a former underground U.S. military installation at Mecca are valued at over $300,000,000.

But al-Qaeda which is apparently suffering no cash flow problem has been using the expensive one of a kind vehicles in suicide bomb attacks.

Police who shot at a suicide car bomber, whose vehicle still exploded at a western Baghdada checkpoint Monday, wounding three police and three bystanders, were surprised to find that car was a Bugatti Type 41 "Royale".

In another car bombing in Fallujah which killed eight, the bomber drove a 1932 Duesenberg Supercharged Dual Cowl Phaeton. Pieces of the vehicles began appearing on Ebay minutes after the explosions.

"Somehow them al-Qaeda got hold of a copy of Grand Theft Auto and studied it," Major Briggs 'Tie Rod' Ipsell told the Assassinated Press. "Come to think of it my copy's missing. Motherfuck."

He added, "auctioning off parts of bombed cars was doing right well on Ebay even before these rare cars started to be ground into road garbage. But now a average Joe with access to the computer tent can make a pretty good livin' despite bein' in the military by shipping some twisted metal to some twisted fuck in Kansas. Its a way they have of bringing a little piece of the war home. Sometimes there's even a little honey-coating of atomized gore on a charred bumper or a whole eyeball pressed into radiator."