The Assassinated Press

Deregulation Blamed in Ronald Reagan Museum Fire:
Building Codes Torched By Reagan White House Behind Blaze:
Museum Curators Surprised To Learn That Wax Dummy Of Former President Was The Real Thing

By James Gassmain
The Assassinated Press
October 1, 2003

YOUREEKA, Ill. -- An electrical fire destroyed some artifacts at the Ronald Reagan College Museum and Brake Shop in Youreeka, Illinois, but it appeared no critically important pieces were lost "because there is nothing 'critically important' about Reagan," officials said Tuesday. "Nah. Now a museum devoted to Bechtel and the way it controlled U.S. foreign policy during the 80's. Or Halliburton now. The Schultz/Weinberger junta or the Cheney/Rumsfeld junta. Now that's some critical shit," said Lorne Smackey, forensic confectioner who is tasked with determining if a clutch of multi-colored spheroids found in Ronnie's diapers are jelly beans or, as DNA suggests, reptile eggs.

None of the museum's main exhibits were damaged, said Brian Sajko, curator of the museum that honors the small barber's college's most famous graduate. He said the main exhibits were in a locked storage closet where most of the former president's memorabilia is stored. "I may have been assigned this gig as a condition of my parole, but I don't have to pretend I like it," Sajko told this reporter.

Youreeka Fire Chief Craig Neal said state investigators ruled Monday's fire a result of Reagan era deregulation. The bill which Reagan's handler Don Regan purchased from Congress is known as the "Let It Burn Act." The American Homebuilders Association along with the U.S. Coalition of Commercial Landlords wrote the legislation and shepherded the bill through Congress through a series of clever inducements in offshore banks.

A sprinkler system would have helped quell flames but the museum's sprinkler system was sold as scrap to a firm owned by former attorney general Ed Meese and his business partner, former Secretary of the Interior James Watt. It was eventually installed in the Spiro Agnew Memorial Library but the library was destroyed in a mudslide in 1995 though Agnew maintained the slide was triggered by an "off-white" anarcho-terrorist group that called themselves the Nattering Nabobs of Negativism or the NNofN.

The fire left smoke and water damage, destroying some of Reagan's HUAC trophies, papers and a large portrait of the actor-turned-informer, Sajko said.

Of more than 30 items in the college's collection, only about 1 are on display, Reagan's 1932 Youreeka diploma presented posthumously to the actor because by the time he had enough credits to graduate, he had already died in Hellcats of the Navy.

My Copy Right Or Wrong 2003 The Assassinated Press