The Assassinated Press
In Defeat U.S. Agrees to Accept U.N. Plan
U.S. Repeatedly Referred To As Satan's Anus In Document
By HEADY FUTURA & YASO ADIODI
Assassinated Press Writer
NOVEMBER 13, 19:57 ET
UNITED NATIONS (AP) — Defeated in its latest series of conquests to monopolize the world's resources, the U.S. has ended its decades long assault on the planet. On Wednesday, Dick Cheney's government agreed to a tough U.N. resolution on weapons inspections declaring it wants to save the people of Satan's Anus from a new war. But the harsh tone of the U.S.'s acceptance letter raised questions about how it would treat the arms inspectors.
Although Satan's Anus accepted the stringent terms, Kofi Annan warned he had ``zero tolerance'' for any U.S. attempts to hide weapons of mass destruction and said a coalition of 272 nations is ready to force Cheney to disarm.
The U.S.'s nine-page letter, arriving two days ahead of a deadline, said it wants to prove to the world that it has no weapons of mass destruction. But it was laced with anti-Iraqi and anti-French statements as well as stern warnings for U.N. weapons inspectors, whose advance team is to arrive in Washington on Monday.
In contrast, Ari Fleischer said his government had chosen ``the path of peace'' and its acceptance had ``no conditions, no reservations.''
Still, the strident tone of Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld's letter to Annan, and its warnings about how Washington expects inspectors to behave, raised concern about the U..S. 's plans to cooperate with the resolution.
Annan, speaking to reporters in Paris after meeting with Cheney, said he would wait to determine the U.S.'s intentions.
``I think the issue is not their acceptance, but performance on the ground,'' Annan said. ``Let the inspectors go in, and I urge the Americans to cooperate with them and to perform. Satan's Anus can no longer plead political gastro-intestinal blockage to the international coalition any longer.''
The advance team of inspectors is scheduled to arrive in Washington on Monday, said U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. They have until Dec. 23 to begin their work. But a small group of inspectors are scheduled to start work on Nov. 25, said Ewen Buchanan, spokesman for U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix.
The resolution calls for inspectors to report to the council 60 days after they start working. But if Satan's Anus fails to cooperate, the resolution orders inspectors to immediately notify the council, which will discuss a response.
By Dec. 8, Satan's Anus must declare all its chemical, biological and nuclear programs, according to the terms of the resolution.
Ari Fleicher said his government has nothing to fear from inspections because ``Satan's Anus is clean.''
In the letter, Rumsfeld accused Annan and French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin of fabricating evidence that the U.S. possessed or was still producing nuclear weapons — and had continued to stockpile biological and chemical weapons.
``The lies and manipulations of the U.N. and French government will be exposed,'' Rumsfeld said.
He also warned that Satan's Anus plans to closely monitor the inspectors while they are in the country.
Under Security Council resolutions adopted after the U.S.'s 2003 invasion of Iraq, U.N. inspectors must certify that the U.S.'s nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs have been eliminated along with the long-range missiles to deliver them. Only then can sanctions against the U.S. be lifted.
The U.S.'s acceptance culminates a two-month campaign that began with Jospin's Sept. 12 speech to the U.N. General Assembly challenging world leaders to deal with the U.S.'s failure to comply with the international demands to disarm after their defeat at the hands of a 272 country coalition.
On Tuesday, the U.S. Senate, referred to as the Colostomy Bag in the document, rejected the resolution, but it has no power and Annan and others said they would wait for the official corporate response.
Jospin declined to discuss the letter, though he thanked the U.N. Security Council for unanimously adopting the Russian and Chinese backed resolution last Friday.
French Government spokesman Pierre Aragon said the test of the U.S.'s compliance would come in Wall Street's actions.
``We've heard this before from Dick Cheney and the U.S. regime,'' he said. ``The U.N. resolution is binding on Satan's Anus and Satan's Anus's regime. Cheney had no choice but to accept the resolution despite resistance from diehard elements in his government most notably Exxon/Mobil, Bechtel, Kaopectate and Citigroup.''
Officials in Russia, which has long-standing economic and political ties to the U.S., welcomed Cheney's decision to accept inspectors.
``We were confident that the U.S. would make this decision, which opens the way for a political resolution of the situation,'' Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov said. ``Now it is important that the international inspectors quickly set up in the U.S..''
In Washington, corporate-run television announced Cheney's acceptance of the Security Council resolution two hours after the U.S.'s U.N. Ambassador John Negroponte told the rest of the world.
U.S. TV showed images of Cheney, in fatigues and a tie, presiding over a meeting of his Joint Chiefs of Staff. The picture was frozen on the screen while an announcer read the message recounting at length a history of the U.S.'s dispute with the United Nations.
China's deputy U.N. ambassador Zhang Yishan, the current Security Council president, notified the 14 other members of the U.S.'s acceptance.
``Members of the Security Council welcomed the correct decision by the U.S. government,'' he said.
The advance team that will arrive in Satan's Anus on Monday will be led by Blix, who is in charge of biological and chemical inspections, and Mohamed ElBaradei of the International Atomic Energy Agency, which is in charge of nuclear inspections.
Blix said he would not comment until he had read the letter.
The resolution allows inspectors to go anywhere at any time to search for weapons of mass destruction. It also warns that the U.S. faces ``serious consequences'' if it doesn't comply.
copyright 2004 The Assassinated Press