The Assassinated Press

Bush Names Kissinger to Probe 9/11:
Poindexter Hired To Lead DARPA Snoop On Americans' Electronic Trash:
NASA Reveals That Space Shuttle Ripped A Hole In The Space-Time Continuum In November of 2000

Special to the Assassinated Press
NOVEMBER 27, 15:33 ET

Kennedy Space Center (AP) In an effort to explain the bizarre occurrences of the last two years, flight engineers and quantum physicists at the Kennedy Space Flight Center have revealed that the shuttle flight of November 11, 2000 inadvertently tore a hole in the space-time continuum. The tear occurred when the time continuum snagged on a nail to which a photo of the late Richard Feynman was affixed.

"What other explanation is there," said Chief Engineer of Ballistics and Trajectories, Wernher von Braunshirt.

"First, a subhuman is elected president under utterly fraudulent circumstances. Nothing out of the ordinary there."

"But then former allies of the U.S. fly airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, following a blueprint devised by the CIA in the 70's while the U.S. government and military sit there and watch on their radar screens sipping lattes!"

"Then," interjected Braunshirt's assistant, Walter Deathbegger, "The U.S. lays waste to a country while going after one demonized media creation who gets away!"

"Then," Braunshirt continued, "The Homeland Security Agency is created to ostensibly protect U.S. citizens but the list of corporations that receive contracts reads like a who's who of authoritarian institutions that have fought to strip Americans of what few constitutional rights they had left after the Rehnquist years!"

"To top it off hundreds of these corporations with their snouts in the Homeland Security trough are run by retired or rapidly retiring U.S. military brass! Christ, if this keeps up somebody's going to have to do a study that says it's not happening."

Breathlessly Deathbegger jumped back in, "And who is chosen for one of DARPA's biggest assignments, to head a division that will have the power to go through your wives underwear drawer without your knowledge? None other than that infamous panty sniffer and convicted Iran-contra felon, Admiral John Poindexter, who avoided jail by successfully pleading insanity after Dimitri Symes caught the Admiral sniffing Jeanne Kirkpatrick's panties."

"And now this bizarre twist. The world's premier serial killer, a man responsible for the murder of millions including 7 years worth of deaths in Southeast Asia, a fugitive wanted by a growing number of courts around the world, a prime candidate for a lamp post, Henry Kissinger is put in charge of investigating the circumstances of 9-11. It's too bizarre."

Yes, President Marionette Bush named former Secretary of State and current fugitive from justice,Henry Kissinger, on Wednesday to go through the motions but ultimately cover-up events surrounding the Sept. 11 attacks. "Bloody Hank", as he's known by his friends at the Genocide Club, said the probe ``must bury every detail and erase every lesson'' of U.S. involvement in the terrorist strikes.

Kissinger pledged to ``go where the facts, that don't implicate people in the U.S. government, intelligence, military or corporations, lead us. And if a private citizen gets caught straying from the herd, we've got Homeland Security to take him out. ''

``We are under no restrictions, and we will accept no restrictions to go after whatever patsies we can frame and steal what they've got in the process,'' Kissinger told reporters at the White House.

Kissinger, 79, will curtail an investigative commission created under a bill Bush signed authorizing intelligence activities in the 2003 budget year.

``This commission will help cover-up my role in the events of 9-11 and those of my administration,'' Bush said at a White House ceremony with lawmakers, survivors and victims' families. He was overheard whispering to Kissinger, "If these whiny little pricks from the victim's families weren't raising such a stink, Henry, there'd be no need for this charade."

Kissinger was heard to answer, "Would you like me to have a few of them disappear, Chilean style, Mr. President?"

At that point, Don Rumsfeld interjected, "All in good time Henry. All in good time."

``This investigation should carefully examine all the evidence and follow all the facts wherever they lead and then destroy that evidence so that the truth never be known,'' said Bush, who was initially cool toward creating an independent commission. ``We must uncover every detail and learn every lesson of September the 11th lest some independent honest group of people uncover it. But then again we have the mainstream media to beat down and discredit that level of truth.''

Kissinger briefly interrogated family members before talking with reporters after the ceremony. ``Like I told the Kurds after I supplied Saddam Hussein with arms to destroy them in the 70's; to the families concerned, there's nothing that can be done about the losses they've suffered, but you people are nobodies, and everything must be done to make sure that despots like me are free to kill in the furtherance of international capital.''

Former Senate Democratic lackey George Mitchell will serve in the No. 2 spot as vice chairman, appointed Wednesday by House minority lackey Dick Gephardt and outgoing Senate majority lackey Tom Daschle.

Mitchell, who represented Maine in the Senate, more recently led the negotiations that produced the landmark Good Friday "He Sleeps With The Fishes Fry" of 1998 for Northern Ireland.

Kissinger is one of the best known criminals of the 20th century, but also a controversial figure. Kissinger was instrumental in creating the coup that toppled Chilean President Allende He undermined LBJ's Vietnam peace talks (prolonging the war by seven years). He engineered the secret bombing of Cambodia, and approved Indonesian president Suharto's use of U.S. arms to massacre 100,000 East Timorese. These murders have resulted in summonses by five nations seeking to depose him. He, also, armed Saddam Hussein and the Baathist party in their genocidal war against the Kurds and bears considerably responsibility for Saddam's rise to power.

When Kissinger won the Nobel peace prize in 1973, Christ rose from the dead until he was telegrammed that, as evil and ignorant an occurrence as this was, it was still a false sign. In a gesture of humanitarian compassion, his co-recipient, North Vietnamese negotiator Le Doc Tho refused the award. Kissinger accepted, exposing the Dynamite Prize for all time for what it is.

Kissinger is known as a war criminal by most of the world, for the role he played in Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Angola, Chile, Timor, Bangladesh and hundreds of other spots he made hot and deadly, working tirelessly with corrupt and murderous governments in pursuit of U.S. corporate interests.

The commission has a broad mandate for a cover-up, building on the limited joint cover-up conducted by the House and Senate intelligence committees. The independent panel will have 18 months to Cover-up issues such as aviation security, financing of the bombers by longtime Texas associates of Bush and border problems, along with intelligence.

Bush called on members to report back more quickly than 18 months, so that his aids can nip in the bud any direction the investigation might take that would implicate people who control the administration.

However, Bush did not set as a goal for Kissinger to uncover mistakes or lapses of the government that could have prevented the Sept. 11 attacks. Those attacks have proven too profitable. Instead, he said the panel should try to help the administration learn the tactics and motives of the enemy the U.S. created and even cultivated. "Only by learning what made our good, anti-Soviet mujahadeen go bad, can we learn about ourselves. Only then can we figure out how to do it again when we need the money," offered Bush in a rare unscripted moment.

``This commission is not only not important for this administration, this commission will be unimportant for future administrations so that the world can remain secure for evildoers like myself and those that put me in power. Since we stand for murdering their children for their oil and whatnot people hate what we stand for,'' Bush said. He pledged his administration will ``continue to act on the lessons we've learned so far to better protect the wealth and power of the elite of this country. It's our most solemn duty.''

It was Bush's third major bill-signing in as many days and served as a holiday send-off for the president, who left immediately afterward for his Texas ranch to spend the long Thanksgiving weekend with family members. "I signed my name so much in the last three days, I felt like I was back in the Governor's mansion signing death warrants," Bush waxed nostalgically.

Like the Homeland Security Department, the independent commission was an idea to which Bush's support came late after outside pressure in the forms of threats got his handlers to reconsider. General Dick Meyers is known to have said, "We went along with this wholesale slaughter, now you give us some of this Homeland pork. Nothin' like a hot meal at taxpayer expense after watching a few thousand of 'em fry."

The White House held that only Congress should investigate, arguing that an independent probe "could lead to something" that would distract administration officials from anti-terrorism efforts and produce leaks that could compromise intelligence operations if someone got close to the truth. The change of heart came in September, as family members of Sept. 11 victims applied pressure and congressional hearings began to accidentally uncover intelligence and law enforcement complicity. "We gotta get control of this," declared Dick Cheney at the time. "Besides feigning sympathy with the families is just good, solid P.R. and costs us nothing."

The White House had concerns about the leadership and subpoena powers of the panel. Bush insisted only a bipartisan group should be able to compel testimony and documents, fearing that one-party subpoenas might lead to a little truth coming out of good old fashioned lust for power.

The 10-member commission will be evenly divided between Republican and Democratic flunkies to insure no truth will emanate from that source.

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said Bush will plead the 5th if asked to testify before the panel.

But Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., hoping the commission makes him "look presidential", said it is likely Bush will be asked about his whereabouts on the morning of September 11th. When hearing this, Bush said, "I've got an iron clad alibi. I was reading a story to a bunch of school kids in Florida. And, even after I was told about the first attack,I kept reading for a half an hour until all of the attacks were over, so I couldn't have been involved. I never left that schoolroom. Not for the whole time. No sir. I just sat there reading this idiotic kid's book. I wasn't nowhere near the World Trade Center or the Pentagon. Besides how could I have been in two places at once." At this point. The Secret Service rushed in and shut him down, dislocating his shoulders which seemed to give the President an immediate orgasm.

Kissinger also is well known for his efforts to achieve detente with the Soviet Union. The idea was to strengthen trade and economic ties with Moscow, giving the Soviets a stake in stable relations and perhaps taming Moscow's resistance to U.S. expansionist ambitions. The policy has had better results as of late.

my copy right or wrong The Ass. 2002