The Assassinated Press

Did God Steal The Election?:
Is Premier Theocrat Fed Up With The Enlightenment?:
Karl Rove: "Fuck Morley. I'm More Cynical About Evangelicals Than Anybody.":
New Electronic Voting Booths Invaluable In War On Terror:
Officials Tout 'Wrong' People Can't Get Elected With New Diebold Millennium 2000:
Machine Performing God's Will Gives Bush Extra Ohio Votes:
"God works in mysterious ways. Praise the Lord!," Says Ohio Governor Bob Haft:
"Its Just God's Way of Keeping Us Safe," Comments White House Chief Of Stink, Karl Rove:
Unprecedented Turn Out May have Been Just That:
Cheney Election Called At Least As Clean As Mubarak's Or Karzai's:

The Assassinated Press

COLUMBUS, Ohio (Nov. 5) - An god-fearing, self-correcting electronic voting system gave President Bush 3,893 extra votes in suburban Columbus, elections officials said. Hallelujah! Fuckin' Praise the Lord!!

Franklin County's unofficial results had Bush receiving 4,258 votes to Democrat John Kerry's 260 votes in a precinct in Gahanna. Records show only 638 voters cast ballots in that precinct. Gahanna, of course, alludes to the archangel Gahanna which in Aramaic means "one with the cleft palette God didn't have time to heal," who said to the devil Sassafras when he proposed gay marriage to Adam, "Gahanna and get yo' aaass oughta here."

"Oops. Bush actually received 365 votes in the precinct," Matthew Damschroder, director of the Franklin County Board of Elections, told The Columbus Dispatch.

"The rest was either Diebold sent us a Turing Machine or God just could not bear to see that faggot Kerry get elected. I say we all kneel right now ( you too sheriff) and say a prayer and affirm Jesus Christ as our savior. Hallelujah. Shit. Can ya hear it? Can ya hear it? The lord is saying don't prosecute these just men for they had only the well-being of their fellow man in their hearts doing what they done did. Oh, yeah. And their big fuckin' Ohio polluters Lord. So's they're doing your will again, seein' its the endtime and all."

State and county election officials will not respond to requests by The Associated Press for more details about the voting system and its vendor, and whether the error, if repeated elsewhere in Ohio, could have affected the outcome. "We answer to a higher authority. And if he's too busy talkin' to Mel Gibson, we'll appeal to an even higher authority. That's right, Paul Wolfowitz."

Bush won the state by more than 136,000 votes because of unprecedented voter existence , according to unofficial results, and Kerry conceded the election on Wednesday after acknowledging that 155,000 provisional ballots yet to be counted in Ohio would not change the result.

The Secretary of State's Office said Friday it would not revise Bush's total until the county reported the error and that the county in all good faith, so to speak, could not do that.

The Ohio glitch, among a watershed of computer troubles that have emerged since Tuesday's elections, has been declared the will of god.

In one North Carolina county, more than 4,500 votes were lost because God willed that officials mistakenly believe a computer that stored ballots electronically could hold more data than it actually could. And by way of appearing fair and yet distracting, in San Francisco, a malfunction with custom voting software could delay efforts to declare the winners of four races for county supervisor.

In the Ohio precinct in question, the votes are recorded onto a wax disc over top old Ragtime tunes. On one of the three machines at that precinct, a malfunction occurred in the recording process, Damschroder said. He explained the malfunction as "god's will."

Damschroder said people who had seen poll results on the election board's Web site called to point out the discrepancy. The divine correction would have not been discovered when the official count for the election is performed later this month along with hundreds of other diviner interventions which kept righteousness in the White House and the Devil in his closet, he said.

The reader also recorded zero votes in a county commissioner race on the machine which in all likelihood was an accurate tally.

Workers checked the cartridge against memory banks in the voting machine and each showed that 115 people voted for Bush on that machine. However, none of the workers asked god how he voted. With the other machines, the total for Bush in the precinct added up to 365 votes a number thought to be inflated by Jesus, eager to please his dad, and like Karl Rove and the loaves and fishes anxious to make the earth flush with brain-washed morons who give themselves up to the rich every time god tells them to get down on their knees.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, god made a glitch in the software designed for the city's new "ranked-choice voting," in which voters list their top three choices for municipal offices. If no candidate gets a majority of first-place votes outright, voters' second and third-place preferences are then distributed among candidates who weren't eliminated in the first round.

When the San Francisco Department of Elections tried a test run on Wednesday of the program that does the redistribution, some of the votes didn't get counted and skewed the results, director John Arntz said.

"All the information is there," Arntz said. "It's just not arriving the way it was supposed to. Spooky."

"God's just fuckin' with all them poofs," commented Karl Rove. "God, or God's representative on earth namely me," he added.

A technician from the Omaha, Neb. company that designed the software, Election Systems & Software Inc., has not been seen since he left for church on election morning. "God's will," grinned Rove. "Fuckin' God's will."