The Assassinated Press

7-Eleven Tears Nature a New Icehole.
7-Eleven Corporation Breaks Off Huge Ice Island Four Times the Size of Manhattan Island and Drags It to Nearby Ice Processing Ships.
“Rather than just let the ice melt, 7-Eleven will bag it and sell it at their thousands of convenience store outlets world wide,” Says CEO and President of 7-Eleven Joseph M. DePinto.
Jim Inhofe Applauds “Corporate Ingenuity.” Says Ice Will “Grow Back.”

Special to the Assassinated Press and The Drudge Report

The new ice island, which 7-Eleven blasted off the shelf of Greenland on Thursday, will be dragged to a remote place called the Nares Strait, about 620 miles south of the North Pole between Greenland and Canada where it will be processed aboard huge ice processing vessels and shipped worldwide to company franchises.

The ice island has an area of 100 square miles and a thickness of up to half the height of the Empire State Building, said Joseph M. DePinto CEO and President of Southland.

7-Eleven Tears Nature a New Icehole.

Mr. DePinto said his company had used thousands of synchronous charges to break of the huge piece of ice before it melted due to global warming and was stripped of its commercial value. The chunk was torn from the Petermann Glacier, one of the two largest remaining ones in Greenland.

Mr. DePnto vehemently denied that the ice shelf was blown under a joint contract with Halliburton and the US Military. “If we blow something, we don’t tell,” Navy Spokesman Andy Warhole told the Assassinated Press.

"The freshwater stored in this ice island could keep the Delaware or Hudson Rivers flowing for more than two years or picnic coolers full of cold brewski for an entire softball season," said DePinto.

"It could also keep all US public tap water flowing for 120 days. But that ain’t happenin’ now!"

He said that the event was categorically not a result of global warming, a comment immediately seized upon by Sen. Jim Inhofe. “Sure, this event was 100% manmade but they cut out the middle man and took the ice before nature could melt it, that is if it ever was. That’s the kind of entrepreneurship, I been blowin’ it out my ass about.”

The flow of seawater below the glaciers is one of the main causes of ice calvings off Greenland but synchronized explosions are being used more and more often.

"Nobody can claim this was caused by global warming. On the other hand nobody can claim that it wasn't," Mr. De Pinto said. “If we were gonna lose this valuable resource to global warming anyway why not make a buck rather than watch the fuckin’ buck melt away.

“Scientists have said the first six months of 2010 have been the hottest globally on record. The El Nino weather pattern has contributed to higher temperatures, but many scientists say elevated levels of man-made greenhouse gases are pushing temperatures higher,” De Pinto said. “It’s this kind a news that got us to act and act fast and not lose another one.”

The ice island will be chopped up, cleaned, bagged and shipped by a flotilla of former whaling ships owned by the Japanese held corporation. Then the bagged ice will be shipped to the 711,000 7-Eleven convenience stores around the globe to be sold in their cooler sections or to keep product cold in the growing number of markets without electricity such as Iraq, Pakistan, Honduras and Afghanistan.

The last time such a large ice island formed in Greenland was in 1962 when the Ward Hunt Ice Shelf calved an island. At that time, 7-Eleven, then known as Southland Corporation deined responsibility.

Smaller pieces of that chunk became lodged between real islands inside Nares Strait and were converted to fudgsicles.