The Assassinated Press

Governor of Arizona Jan Brewer Is Beheaded by Alien; Says She Will Serve Out Her Term Before Seeking to Get her Head on Straight.
Rush Limbaugh Taken Up By Aliens for His Annual Proctology Exam.
Aliens From Area 51 Illegally Crossing Nevada/Arizona Border
"If only computers were guns. Then every American would have six jobs."

Hugh R. FUCT
The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media

Gov. Jan Brewer’s disembodied head was found in a mellon patch at the base of the Shivwits Plateau in Northwest Arizona along that state’s border with Nevada. Her body has not been recovered. But her head insists it will serve out its full term as Governor.

The Governor claims to have been kidnapped and beheaded by illegal aliens--- from Nevada. When asked how she knew they were illegals who were not in the US legally she exclaimed, “Because they fuckin’ had four arms and 9 tentacles for legs. Their eyes were in their toes. And their nose was just above their assholes which gave them the appearance of a snooty, uppercrust rich shit who runs an oil company or a Wall Street brokerage.”

Brewer says she was picnicking with Rush Limbaugh when the aliens beamed her and the fat man up. She says she witnessed Rush’s annual alien abduction proctology exam. The alien’s said they’d have the results in about a week and urged Rush, who suffers from Diogenic Dysotpia, not to utter anything truthful because it most likely would kill him. Rush’s doctors, alien or otherwise, have attributed his other heart episodes to rare superficial brushes with the truth.

In a May 2008 article for the American Sportsman, Mr. Limbaugh discussed in detail his annual Area 51 proctology examination. "First, the aliens roll back my belly fat and tie it off with a length of baling wire. They then begin gently stroke my genitals. Then several roll me over on my tummy and squirt a jelly like substance along my quite ponderous ass crack. Then they insert a long, fleshy instrument into my rectum and record my response which is always one of acute pleasure. I don't believe in socualized medicine. But I have never been billed by the alien proctologists for this procedure."

Brewer blames Nevada’s porous borders with Arizona for losing her head. She says that Nevada governor, Jim Gibbons, is not doing enough to prevent aliens from Area 51 crossing the border into Arizona.

Nevada Loves Its Aliens

Gibbons in his defense says these aliens in Area 51, “They don’t need to ford no Colorado River. Them suckers kin fly, motherfucker. They’ll fly right up yor ass if they have a mind to. If the dadgummed US military can’t stop ‘em, I know for sure I cain’t. I blame the lack a Federal response. But let’s be realistic. I’ve seen ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ too. And I mean the one with Michael Rennie.”

Recent, border clashes between Arizona anti-immigration insurrectionists and Nevadan Patriot groups have left 46 dead and 341 wounded some by decapitation. Like Brewer, in a number of instances the bodies have not been recovered fueling speculation that Area 51 illegal aliens are using the bodies for experimentation.

Nevada has a reported soaring tourism even as Las Vegas and Reno look like ghost towns. “Everyone wants to be beheaded by an alien,” Gibbons said in way of explanation for the increase in tourist dollars flooding his state.

Aliens Unscathed

Meanwhile, no illegal alien from Area 51 has been even slightly wounded in these running gun battles along the borders between militias. An Arizona Militia Group which calls itself the Glen Beck 911 Brigade claimed to have shot down an alien space craft over Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix. But it was an Asiana 747 filled with South Korean engineers and computer programmers on their way to Genesys Telecommunications Laboratories, Inc. in Scottsdale to fill jobs Americans can’t do.

Solving Unemployment

“Oh shit. If only computers were guns. Then every American would have six jobs,” Buck McAsswipe told the Ass. Press. “But you gotta admit. Boy we shot us down some aliens.”

Pitched Battle?

Brewer also stated that she was not alone in the desert with Rush Limbaugh for the sex only.

The two had gone there, Gettysburg style, picnic basket in tow, to witness a battle between the Arizona National Guard and state police as well as a slew of militia and patriot groups against their alien loving brethren in Nevada.

But apparently the aliens took all 7000 combatants up into space where they hope to advance interstellar proctology by light years given the large number of all asshole, guinea swine they’ve now corralled.