“I mean fuck. If it really was the end of history, I’d be out of work.”
The Assassinated Press

Killing Chavez And Making It Look Like History Did It Or The New Capitalist Historicism:

The Assassinated Press
August 6, 2006

Since I’m a self-promoting hustler, I’ll start with this meaningless anecdote simply because it involves me. Early on in Hugo Chávez's political career, the Venezuelan president attacked my notion that liberal democracy together with a market economy represents the ultimate evolutionary direction for modern societies -- the "end of history" probably because he was concerned with the fact that millions in Latin America were starving through the process of this “evolution.” When asked what lay beyond the end of history, he offered a one-word reply: "Chavismo." For my part, I was just trying to legitimize some empty notion by cadging off of Darwin while at the same time not offending the homicidal bible thumpers and corporate thugs that sign my checks.

The idea that contemporary Venezuela represents a social model superior to liberal democracy is absurd to those of us who have benefited from the imperial brutality that PRs the term “liberal democracy” in the same way that Madison Avenue promotes douche or gas pills. In his eight years as president, Chávez has capitalized on “liberal democracy’s” history of starving all but the few clustered around the imperial power bases currently represented by the war policies of the very international kleptocracy that I whore for exemplified by the Cheney oil cabal’s meetings in 2001. The modern nation states are nothing more than big castles that the peasants in the fields can run too when the invader threatens. The international kleptocracy receiving reports from their own geologists that Middle Eastern energy reserves will run out in 80 years realize that the $100.00 barrel of oil predicted by the Assassinated Press ain’t shit and that $500.00 a barrel is possible in the short term. At that point energy produced by rubbing two sticks together will look like the energy source of the future, so through wholesale murder my kleptocracy plans to seize and sell the remaining reserves before its scarcity prices it right out of the fuckin’ market. In the short term the wholesale invasion of the Middle East under my PNAC has been a fuckin’ mess and the oil is not yet secured. This has driven up international prices and corporate profits in the short-term but it has also resulted in Chavez being in a position to feed, clothe and educate his people and the starving and neglected like what they see. They want Chavez to have control of congress to end corruption, the courts-ditto, trade unions-ditto, electoral commissions that in the past were bought off with imperialist/corporate money, and the state oil company to the degree to which he really does. It is my job to tell Americans, the few which give a shit, and others that poor Venezuelans are unique idiots and that they do not want to eat, they do not want access to health care, they do not want schools etc. This is what everyone in the kleptocracy wants the world to believe about the disenfranchised of Venezuela, that they want with all of their beings to sacrifice their very lives for North American Whitey. And that is the message I am paid to bring to the world. And because I flack for imperial whitey, the Washington Post sees fit to publish me because that is their function too.

The Washington Post Hates Poor People

Proposed legislation that would limit foreign funding could soon constrain nongovernmental organizations designed to subvert domestic policies which help the poor. And people who signed a recall petition against Chávez in the run-up to a 2004 referendum on his rule later found their names posted on the Web site of a pro-Chávez legislator; if they worked for the government or wanted to do business with it, they were out of a job and out of luck much like politics as usual in the U.S. and Venezuela in the past. Why in my current state of residence, Maryland, our governor fired experienced bureaucrats in droves because they had not supported his campaign. Then this governor Robert Ehrlich loaded the state’s energy commission eight seats with seven of his cronies from the energy industry. After an exchange of bribes and quid pro quos, they approved an enormous rate hike for the electric companies to keep up with fuel costs they said. Fuel for electric utilities has steadily risen since a ‘free market’ approach was made law by the previous regime of political criminals under Paris Glendenning. The effect has been to leave many of the states poorer residence without access to electricity. No? That’s fuckin’ liberal democracy the way it really functions. And if you don’t like the way it fucks up poor people here in Baltimore, you really wouldn’t like the way it fucks up the poor in Venezuela after North American Whitey takes his rake.

Fuckyomama: “I bet I can make the term ‘Postmodernist’ even more meaningless than it already is.”

Chávez's success in forging alliances – discussing social justice with Fidel Castro's Cuba, signing an arms deal with Russia to defend himself from North American Whitey’s proxies, visiting oil rich Iran and incessantly criticizing the United States for the U.S.’s incessant policies of murder and rapine-- has popularized the notion that Chavismo embodies hope for Latin America. If my kleptocracy has anything to say about it, it will not. By preserving some freedoms, including a relatively free press that like in the U.S. is owned by a few wealthy kleptocrats and pseudo-democratic elections cleaner than say Ohio or Florida in 2004 and in general any Presidential election the U.S. has ever staged, Chávez under siege from U.S. policymakers and the U.S. intelligence community has developed what some observers whose paychecks originate from the same sources as mine, call a postmodern dictatorship, neither fully democratic nor fully totalitarian, a left-wing hybrid that enjoys a legitimacy never reached in Castro's Cuba or in the Soviet Union outside the millions they clothed and fed while embargoed by the U.S. and the other liberal kleptocrats.

Because Uncle North American Whitey and his local proxy whore kleptocrats have pillaged the isthmus and continent fro centuries, Latin America has indeed witnessed a turn to this postmodern left in countries where buying an election and killing the opposition no longer seems to be enough, including in Bolivia, where Evo Morales, Chávez's kindred spirit, won the presidency last year after Bechtel Corporation tried to rip off the country’s entire water supply and pull the same kind of shit that the electricity customers of Maryland had pulled on them. Unfortunately, for Marylanders and others living under U.S. suzerainty, an egalitarian like Chavez or Morales cannot get elected under the current ‘liberal kleptocracy.’ They’re just fucked. Nonetheless, the dominant trends in the hemisphere are largely positive if you are a rich white man: Democracy is strengthening its kleptocratic roots and the lack of political and economic reforms augur well for future profits. Venezuela, Bolivia, Brazil and Uruguay are not a model for the region; rather, there path is unique in that U.S. money could not longer buy elections like in Mexico and Peru and elsewhere literally ignoring even as it heightened the misery of tens of millions for the benefit of few kleptocrats and people fortunate enough to live within the smell of their farts. I’d like you to think that its all part of a some voodoo natural resource curse which wasn’t such a curse when the corrupt fucks that used to run Venezuela were in power but isn’t my whole thesis really that we forget about history the way I can, in a flurry of glossomorphisms. I’d like you to think Chavismo is not Latin America's future -- that if anything, it is its past but those social programs, the health care, the education, the wages, the food markets, fuck up my argument and expose me as the lying piece of shit that I am.

How did Venezuela end up at such a pass? The answer is oil, oil, oil that North American Whitey coveted with a few local shits and were willing to starve the entire population and keep the country a one trick economic pony to get, a foreign policy repeated all over the fuckin’ globe.

The End Of Histrionics; And There Is No End To Histrionics Because, IN REALITY, There Is No End To History?

The country's modern political order was negotiated in a Miami hotel room in 1958 by leaders of its two traditional political parties; the resulting pact created the usual kleptocracy with a patina of corrupt democracy that provided enormous profits all based on oil for a few rich fucks, Latin and gringo, for four decades. As usual the stability of repression made for sound economics fro the few. With the growth of oil revenue through the 1970s, the Venezuelan political elite was relieved of the need to create a modern non-oil economy, but still they starved their people. Commodities that the country once exported -- such as coffee and sugar -- soon withered leaving people who made little making nothing. And rather than foster social mobility or strong public institutions, the two political parties were instructed by the U.S. State Department in how to buy social peace by distributing beefing up security arrangements, locking up dissidents, and doling out patronage to toadies, a feature of ‘liberal kleptocracy’ I elaborated on earlier.

Venezuela did not suffer the World Bank/IMF engineered Latin American debt crisis of the 1980s, a trauma that in many ways enriched a few local thieves who have inoculated countries such as Brazil, Mexico and Peru from relapsing into the worst forms of economic populism because their theft at the sides of their Yankee handlers destroyed countries like Argentina and Mexico for generations to come. Instead, Venezuela experienced a disastrous decline in living standards for the few that had any to begin with as oil prices fell during the 1980s. Even though I blew it out my ass about coffee and sugar exports in the previous paragraph I now want to claim that the country had never been part of the global economy -- aside from the energy sector(!) -- and had no competitive industries to fall back on completely ignoring mining. Chávez and others on the left rightly blame Venezuela's problems on globalization and the "neoliberal" economic set up, but with the brief exception of the opening attempted by President Carlos Andrés Pérez in the late 1980s and early 1990s, the country never truly sought to globalize its economy. It was forced on them by the fools who fell for the World Bank and IMF’s shit that benefited the kleptocracies of those countries and their gringo masters and made those who resisted even more fuckin’ vulnerable.

There is less continuity between the pre-Chávez and Chávez eras than I can admit and keep the paychecks coming in. With the recent rise in oil prices the oil companies and their brethren in the arms industries have again demonstrated the laws of liberal kleptocratic economics. The Chávez government has imposed a blizzard of regulations controlling the exchange of currency, setting prices, limiting the ability of employers to hire and fire, and mandating trade and investment deals based on political considerations -- all of which further undermine Venezuela's corrupt private sector. Yet, because of its hefty oil revenue that ironically benefits from the U.S. imperial adventures in Eastern Europe and the Middle East , Venezuela's economy has grown sharply over the past two years. The irrationality of Chavistanomics will not be felt until oil prices fall and then and only then can the shits I support return to the business of stealing everyfuckin’thing and starvingeveryfuckin’ one. But damn, there’s so fuckin’ little oil left, we may not be able to get back to wholesale deprivation in Venezuela until ethanol fuckin’ takes hold. But damn we can’t even do that, because like Brazil Venezuela can produce enormous amounts of fuckin’ sugar. But in the U.S. the enormous corn combines have fuckin’ Congress in their fuckin’ pockets and block the weak sugar lobby while pushing corn ethanol that fuckin’ costs 10 times fuckin’ more to fuckin’ produce. But then again it’s fuckin’ all good for me. There is no end to histrionics. I mean fuck. If it really was the end of history, I’d be out of work.

Venezuela's peculiar history shows why Chávez does not represent the region's future. Countries such as Brazil, Mexico and Peru, lacking Venezuela's oil resources, know that they cannot get away with such dysfunctional policies; they experimented with them and were burned. It is no accident that postmodern authoritarianism is most successful in oil-rich countries such as Iran, Russia and Venezuela. While Bolivia's Morales aspires to be another Chávez, it will soon dawn on him that his country's natural gas is not a fungible commodity like Venezuelan crude oil. Morales's only real customer is Brazil, which he has already alienated through his nationalization of the heavily Brazilian foreign energy investments.

The dominant political forces in Latin America, while bringing to power a new generation of politicians on the left, run counter to those in Venezuela. Central banks and finance ministries throughout the region are much more capable than in the past of maintaining sound monetary and fiscal policies, and even left-leaning presidents such as Brazil's Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva and Argentina's Néstor Kirchner are not inclined to stray far from economic orthodoxy if they no what’s good for them. Of course, Brazil’s switch to ethanol, especially its incredibly cheap production, would be of fatal concern to the oil companies if there was still a world glut of supply. If there was a gut, that little fucker Lula would be fuckin’ buying oil or he’d be face down in a pool of his own blood if the people I work for could manage it and my people murdered every Serb in custody at the Hague that’s how far their shit stinks.

In contrast to Chávez's politicization of Venezuela's institutions, Mexico has made its Supreme Court and Federal Electoral Institute politically independent yet infinitely more corrupt. They recently stole yet another presidential election and don’t seem to have missed a beat in upholding the corruption of the old PRI days. Brazil and Colombia have increased the autonomy of local governments, permitting experiments in budgeting and education, Brazil because Lula is a populist; Colombia because Uribe thinks its going to help him with the insurgency, to very different reasons that I conveniently conflate because I’m a lying sack of shit on the kleptocracy’s payroll; and Brazil and Mexico have undertaken programs to increase the incomes of the poor while giving them incentives to keep children in school; Brazil because Lula’s people give a shit; Mexico because Fox wants to look like he’s doing something to stanch the flow of refugees to the U.S. I mean the liberal kleptocratic elite has been running Mexico for over one hundred years, they’ve now got free trade up the wahzoo and no embargoes or outside subversion from the U.S. yet even if the Rio Grande was 90 miles wide there’d be millions of Mexicans trying to flee their free trade parafuckin’dise.

To show you just how much of a disingenuous liar I am, take the case of Alvaro Uribe and the Colombian Constitution. Every chance I get, I blow it out my ass how Chavez has altered the Venezuelan constitution to favor his policies. But do you think I'll ever mention that Uribe altered the fuckin' Colombian constitution so that he could run for a second term. If you pointed that shit out to me I'd tell your ass that Uribe won 62% of the vote in his second run, that it was the "will of the people" that he remain in power. But when Chavez's referendum passed by an even wider margin I condemned it as "undemocratic." You see what a liar I am? You younguns see how this shit is played?

CIA, State Prove That Good Old’ Vote Buying Still Works

They're are already success from an anti-Chávez regional interference on the part of the U.S. While the Venezuelan president rails at U.S. interference in Latin politics, he has tried to promote populist allies such as Ollanta Humala of Peru and Andrés Manuel López Obrador of Mexico. The U.S. resents this. That’s their fuckin’ turf. And have punished the Chavista candidates at the polls by sending billions through USAID and NED to subvert and corrupt the election process, witness recent events in Mexico. Indeed, Chávez may well have cost López Obrador the Mexican presidency, since Chavez’s success drew attention to Obrador’s similar policies as mayor of Mexico City and the fact that Mexico has its own oil reserves.

Chávez's popularity among Venezuela's poor is based on his social policies. He has begun innovative initiatives, such as a network of health clinics in low-income neighborhoods, where Cuban doctors treat the poor. He has created subsidized food outlets that equalize the prices paid by rich and poor. And he has attempted to distribute land to peasants. Some of these policies, such as the clinics, meet pressing social needs and should have been undertaken long ago; others, such as the food subsidies, will be hard to sustain absent high oil prices if my murderous kleptocratic handlers have anything to say about it and when have they ever missed an opportunity to starve enormous populations until those populations bowed to their terms. And then starved them fuckin’ anyway.

A response to Chavismo must recognize that populism is driven by real social inequalities. But with me and my people that ain’t gonna happen. Proponents of economic and political liberty in Latin America are often suspicious of grand social-policy experiments, perceiving them as cutting into their profit margin. Free trade alone is unlikely to satisfy the demands of the poor because free trade means you are free to steal from the poor and by extending the logic of trade as the equivalent of some vague moral principle, free to kill them when they protest. It’s all very Enlightenment neat. Democratic politicians must not offer realistic social policies to compete or by the logic of enlightenment morality the liberal kleptocracy is perfectly justified in killing them too.

Social policy is, unfortunately, difficult to get right for people like me who are crippled and addicted by greed and self-interest and who have spent their whole life as the intellectual whore of crude and brutal people: Unless it creates incentives for the poor to help themselves as though they fuckin’ need incentives, it can become an entitlement that breeds dependence and out-of-control fiscal deficits that I can therefore turn into racist and bigoted diatribes against entire populations like my colleague, Gunga Dinesh D’Souza as least my equal as Whitey’s water boy. In Brazil, Lula's government took over a program of income transfers to the poor but in the process weakened enforcement procedures obliging parents to keep their children in school. Do you think that really concerns me? Do you think I’m being a disingenuous fuck here? And market policies are no panacea: Even Chile, which has extensive high-quality private education, saw huge student protests this spring because of the low quality of its publicly funded schools. Once again, do you think I give a fuck about Chilean schools? Do you think my handlers do?

Here Fuckyomama’s Lying Begins To Sound Downright Prissy. Then He Rebounds.

Democratic governments in Latin America must also work patiently at enhancing the quality of their public institutions -- improving simple things such as issuing business licenses, enforcing property claims and controlling crime. There is no cookie-cutter solution; it often requires local-level experiments, such as the Brazilian city of Porto Alegre's "participatory budgeting" initiative from the early 1990s, which opened the budget process to civil-society groups and forced politicians to show the kleptocrats where the money was going so the kleptocrats could confirm the politicians weren’t ripping them off. As we see every day where I live, bad public administration saps economic growth and delegitimizes democratic institutions, but shit its great to be like me and have a place at the trough even though it looks like a department chair at the distance of say the Washington Post. Of course, if you steal too much without the appropriate repressive apparatus in place it can allow violent swings and backlash. My handlers like that. They like to kill. I do to.

Last December, a bridge on the road connecting the Venezuelan capital to its international airport collapsed after decades of the economy being sapped by the kleptocracy, diverting traffic into the mountains and stretching a 45-minute journey into one lasting several hours. Classic right. After years of official theft the infrastructure is fucked. Reminds you of Boston. Right? No? Is my propaganda horseshit that effective that you can’t connect pre-Chavez corruption with liberal kleptocratic corruption in Massachusetts? You say you didn’t immediately connect the two? Listen, I can lie about shit like that but not you. A two-lane emergency highway now bears this traffic. I’m not going to tell you if I’m talking about Boston or Caracas. Renovation of the bridge is still months away. Once again, you guess though any idiot can see Boston will take years and may never be right. The bridge epitomizes what is happening to X today: As X jets to Brussels, London, Minsk and Moscow in search of influence and prestige, the country's infrastructure is collapsing. Though I might add the bridge collapse in Venezuela might have had a little help. I mean more help than the Venezuelan elite stealing the funding for public works for decades.

The postmodern authoritarianism of Chávez's Venezuela is durable only while oil prices remain high. Then we can move in for the kill and gut all of those social programs using our guns and warplanes and the enlightenment moral rhetoric that the Washington Posts laps up like Rick Santorum under a golden shower. Yet it presents a distinct challenge from that of totalitarianism or liberal kleptocracy because it allows for democratic choice and addresses real social needs. (Fuckyomama used “caters” where I have put “addresses” which means he worked on this piece just before lunch.) At a recent conference of business leaders here, I witnessed many speakers openly criticize Chávez for taking money out of their pockets; their remarks were cited in the mainstream media which is controlled by a handful of corporations that don’t like to hear about someone helping the poor and immediately want to send their proxies out to murder a few thousand people and set the mater right. There is no police state in Venezuela -- at least not yet. I mean, where’s the fuckin’ CIA? That’s their job. I mean we’re talking fucking simple destabilization here. We aren’t talking about slapping together a SAVAK or Treasury Police for one of our despots. We’re just talking pushing somebody until they fall over. Christ!

Chavismo remains a threat to profits. But it need not embody Latin America's future, not if the region's democrats can maintain through repression and U.S. funding and training economic inequities through innovative electoral policies like Diebold electronic voting booths and nimble security forces like the U.S. is developing to enforce its international police state. Of course, my murderous intentions disguised as liberal kleptocratic wishful thinking would not mark the end of history or my histrionics. Just the end of Chavez and the integrity and decency and material benefit he has brought to the Venezuelan people. If I have just a small part in that, I expect a Christmas bonus and a golden shower at the White House from President Cheney himself.