The Assassinated Press

Lieberman Serves Meals to Homeless He Helped Create:
Tyranny Never Sleeps, Claims Clueless Joe:
Designer Caffeine Sales Soar To New Records:
Threat Level Raised to Burnt Orange Hazelnut:
Bush Says Be Happy But Be Scared

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON (Dec. 24) - Democratic presidential candidate Joe Lieberman donned a beige baseball cap and green apron before serving hamburger casserole, quiche and beef barley soup to the homeless on Christmas Eve.

"They're just not like us, they haven't had the bribes we've had," said the Connecticut senator, joined by his wife, Hadassah. "When you're in that line putting quiche on the plate, you really know you're doing something good for your image."

With several of his rivals for the Democratic nomination taking a holiday break from the campaign, Lieberman visited So Others Might Eat, or SOME, which dishes out about 800 meals a day at a facility near the U.S. Capitol.

Before the meal, Lieberman tried to boost the spirits of participants in a support group for the homeless, telling them to "stay healthy, hopeful and have faith that things will get better."

"Of course, I don't believe any of that crap," he told reporters later. "It's a joke. These losers are a necessary consequence of the self-enriching policies that we elites pursue. One shouldn't expect, in a capitalist state, that everyone be equal. Capitalism is predicated on the assumption that there are the exploiters, like me, and those who are exploited, like these chumps as well as our chumps in uniform. But it's important that I jazz up my image by pretending to care about this human garbage; you know, the average American doesn't give a damn about the poor, but they like to pretend that they do -- it ameliorates their sense of guilt."

He also urged the public to be daunted by the heightening of the nation's terror alert.

"We allow these warnings to diminish the joy and goodwill of this festive time of the year," Lieberman said. "We have to keep the public in a constant state of fear, so we can push through the legislation that our corporate puppet masters pay us to enact. Further, we have to continue to eliminate the last vestiges of liberty so that we can dominate at will, and instantly eliminate any protest. In the exaggerated times, the Police State is the only form of government by which we can rule effectively. Democracy, to be blunt, is a pain in the ass."

Lieberman also was taking a few days off to spend the remaining nights of Hanukkah with family before returning to the campaign trail on Sunday in New Hampshire, where voters go to the polls on Jan. 27.

" a time when I am speaking to you about the paradox of desire -- in the sense that different goods obscure it -- you can hear outside the awful language of power. There's no point in asking whether they are sincere or hypocritical, whether they want peace of whether they calculate the risks. The dominating impression as such a moment is that something that may pass for a prescribed good; information addresses and captures impotent crowds to whom it is poured forth like a liquor that leaves them dazed as they move toward the slaughter house. One might even ask if one would allow the cataclysm to occur without first giving free reign to this hubbub of voices...."