The Assassinated Press

Detroit to Secede from US, Join Canada.
150,000 People without running water in Detroit. Jesus Fuck! Even the French aristocracy let them eat cake.

The Assassinated Press

“Why the fuck not?” retired auto-worker Jaspar O’Dell told this reporter. “Canada will reinstitute my pension that my former employer stole. I’ll get health care. And unlike the motherfucking Wall Street robber barons looting Detroit now, I’ll get running water. Now, that’s what I call some first world shit. No more living in Uncle Slimey’s third world shithole because the rich are racist and vindictive.”

“Can you imagine how utterly stupid the CEOs that ran the major auto makers were?" continued O'Dell. "The number of motherfucking cars on the road worldwide jumps twenty fold in 40 years and those retarded assholes couldn’t get a piece.”

But is it really better living in Canada?

True the average Canadian is richer than his American counterpart and there is less income disparity in income.

Canadians live longer than their dupes to the South and their health care system is vastly superior one measure being their life span.

Canadians and their children are better educated.

There is less unemployment in Canada than in the US even without the tar sands.

Canadian banks and the country itself largely avoided the world financial collapse which began in 2008 brought on by the criminal element that still infests Wall Street.

Canadians consume less alcohol than Americans because if you’re living in a shithole you want to forget it by getting loaded. Denying the shithole you live in only brings about a greater dependence on alcohol.

Canadians are fitter and they have more sex. Real physical sex with another human being where no money exchanges hands and virtual worlds play no part, practically a dead art among white Americans.

Canadians have more social mobility. Unlike the US, mobility in Canada isn’t defined as driving a dirt quad through a mud puddle.

The US is number one in one thing. People delusional enough to think it’s number one.