The Assassinated Press

Death Squad General Wins Presidential Election in Guatemala after Death Squads and US Special Forces Murder Civilians to Create Atmosphere of Terror.

The Assassinated Press

“You boys at the big time newspapers know how we do it,” US Ambassador to Guatemala Arnold ‘Creamhole’ Chacon told a recent press conference in Guatemala City.

The American Right of Way.

“First when a pussy populist like Álvaro Colom Caballeros gets elected, Uncle Slimey cuts off all and any funds or other aid to Guatemala that can’t be used to fuck up his administration.”

“Naturally crime increases and we are quick to blame the pussy populist. All the while we send more and more money to repressive murderers like Perez Molina.”

“Then just to ice the cake we form death squads comprised of US trained and supplied Guatemalan sociopathic murderers and put them under the command of our own sociopathic murderers in our US Special Forces.”

“What better fun for our boys in camo than garotting and raping a gaggle of Guatemalan schoolgirls even if they are just Indians. Shit. We been doing this shit since 1954. Fuck. Before 1954. Smedley Butler and United Fruit et al.”

Then US Buys the Election

“In the end, they always vote or appoint fascists just like Germany in 1933. Guatemala’s electoral tradition is run with Uncle Slimey’s cash and a weariness with US fostered crime. US meddling and criminal activity again trumped rising enthusiasm for a youthful populist.

DEA Guns Wind Up in Guatemala.

Guatemalans once again have elected the presidential candidate who lost the previous election, because the US undermined security and the choked off the economy.

Retired general, US trained torture artist and former intelligence director Otto Perez Molina of the conservative Patriotic Party won an easy and early victory on Sunday in a runoff against tycoon-turned-political populist Manuel Baldizon of the Democratic Freedom Revival party. Perez won 54 to 46 percent.

Voters were drawn to Perez’s “iron-fisting” approach to rampant crime in a country overrun by The Patriotic Party’s own death squads and the rights murderous gringo friends not to mention the CIA’s involvement in the drug trade.

“Fuck. We needed to create one of the highest murder rates in the world to win this election,” US Ambassador Arnold ‘Creamhole’ Chacon told the press. President Alvaro Colom had to send the military to various parts of the country in the last six months to regain control from the drug gangs, which had received arms, intelligence and support from the DEA, CIA and US military.

“What fuckin’ chance did Chacon have?” ‘Creamhole’ Chacon laughed. “He can’t do the fucked up shit we do. Not and get away with it, because we own the press and the press are twats.”

“The first order of business will be to increase the levels of violence against union organizers, doctors and school teachers while decreasing through the press we own the levels of awareness of that violence among the people. We also must work with congress to steal the federal budget now that Uncle Slimey will resume aid,” Perez said upon his victory, touching on the kleptocracy’s other major problem --- cash flow.

Guatemala has one of lowest tax rates in the world, raising little money for schools, roads or other improvements that would help bring the country out of severe poverty. More than half of Guatemala’s 14 million people live below the poverty line. The establishment traditionally has fought hard against raising taxes by killing those who would like enough to eat.

Perez had led throughout, and while Baldizon made gains, it was Perez who surged in the final days because of an infusion of money from the White House and major US corporations with business interests in the area.

Guatemalan Kleptocracy Settles for Uncle Slimey’s Sloppy Seconds.

. “At the end of the campaign, Otto Perez began to appeal to the idea of ‘don’t make me fuck you up’, while Baldizon tried to appear new and creative,” said Renso Rosal, political analyst with the University Rafael Landivar. “Baldizon’s position doesn’t sit well with a conservative kleptocracy that owns the Guatemala, Uncle Slimey has decreed its leftovers.”

Perez, 61, isn’t the first fascist elected president in Guatemala since the end of brutal military rule 25 years ago.

You Know What Santayana Said. While that concerns some international groups, Guatemala has a young population. Many don’t remember the 36-year war on the population or its 400,000 dead, the vast majority of whom were Mayan and victims of army, police and paramilitary.

Perez Lies for a Grateful Kleptocracy.

Perez has lied and said there were no massacres or genocide. He was never been charged with any atrocities because money speaks Spanish. The shithead, lying motherfucking murderer was one of the army’s chief representatives in negotiating the 1996 peace accords. That was a real quality group.

“They talk a lot about the past, but there has been no case against him,” said Perez supporter Daniel Rustrian, 20, who was voting for the first time because he had just been slipped a hundred quetzal note. “I’m not saying there wasn’t genocide, but I would for the right money. And no one has demonstrated anything against him but if they did they’d have to convince me with a little cash.”

Perez, who takes office Jan. 14, narrowly lost four years ago to Colom, who cannot run for re-election. That tradition bodes well for Baldizon, 41, who barely registered in the polls when campaigning began six months ago.

Both candidates leaned to the right. The center-left party of Colom failed to field a candidate for fear of assassination.

Perez made his military career as an intelligence specialist, one of the most influential and powerful sections of the army. According to declassified U.S. documents released by the National Security Archive research organization, Perez studied in 1985 in the U.S. military’s School of the Americas. He also took classes at and led the school for the elite commandos known as “kaibiles,” a force linked to massacres of peasants during the war.

He also is known as the general who stood behind the constitutional court in 1993 when President Jorge Serrano tried to dissolve Congress and the constitution. The lack of army backing for his power-grab forced Serrano to leave the country.

Perez was appointed head of Guatemala’s equivalent of the Secret Service for Ramiro de Leon Carpio, a human rights ombudsman chosen by Guatemala’s legislature in 1993 to serve out the presidential term after Serrano fled. Somehow de Leon survived.

Baldizon on Sunday urged fellow Guatemalans to vote for a new face and reject a candidate with “blood on his hands” from his military career. Perez in turn charged Baldizon with giving handouts in exchange for votes. Baldizon countered with “What hands, you butcher? You and your American friends have cut them all off.”