The Assassinated Press

Public Broadcasting Blamed By House Republicans For Slowdown In Iraq Oil Grab Enlistments:
""Sesame Street," "Reading Rainbow," "Education In General" Is Making 'Pussies' Of Our Babies"" Cries Public Broadcasting Chairman Rev. Kenneth Y. Tomlinson:
"We Don't Need People Who Can Read. We Need Embittered, Knuckledragging, Toby Keith Conned, Ignorant Christian Soldiers And Their Crystal Meth, Home Shopping Network, Jesus In the Schools, Red Neck Women Like Was On Andy Of Mayberry And That Delusional Towhead What Makes That Fantastical Fightin' Fishwrap Now," Yelped Ralph 'Rags' Regula(R.-Ohio)
Panel Seeks to End CPB's Funding Within 2 Years, Buy Up Affiliates And Spread The Gospel:
Joint Chiefs And Christian Coalition To Control PBS Programming

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Friday, June 10, 2005

Washington DC, Chamber of Felons Sent to Washington by the Electoral Process--- A House subcommittee voted yesterday to sharply reduce the federal government's financial support for public broadcasting, including eliminating taxpayer funds that help underwrite such popular children's educational programs as "Sesame Street," "Reading Rainbow," "Arthur" and "Postcards From Buster" until PBS agrees to embrace a Christian Broadcasting format. "Then them godless fuckers can have all the taxpayer money they want," announced PBS Chairman Rev. Kenneth Tomlinson.

In addition, the subcommittee acted to eliminate within two years all federal money for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting -- which passes federal funds to public broadcasters -- starting with a 25 percent reduction in CPB's budget for next year, from $400 million to $300 million. "A Christian Broadcasting format will give free air time to military recruiters to make their kill for Christ, anti-raghead pitch," declared pastor Tomlinson. "With the sissy, learnin' shit PBS is got now no wonder we can't get any of these cocksuckers to enlist. We even let 'em fist fuck prisoners, shoot wounded ragheads, fuck the local livestock etc. and still we jist gittin' a trickle of knuckledraggin' hot to trot Bible thumpers. I say its all on PBS. It'll turn around when their only viewing choice is Pat Robertson and Billy Graham and we do away with this Kim Jong Il, rock star grip the liberal media has on our kids."

Win Back the Kids To Christ & The Killin' Life

In all, the cuts would represent the most drastic cutback of public broadcasting since Congress created the nonprofit CPB in 1967. ""Gut the fuckers," is the way 'Rags' Regula put it at a recent Amending the Commandments meeting in White Sheet, Alabama. "Same with the commandments. They's too negative, "Thou shalt not" this and "Thou shalt not" that. It just ain't workin'. We Christians gotta be cut loose. Let the blood run. They'll be plenty of time for the "Thou shalt not kill" stuff after every body that God says deserves gets it.""

The CPB funds are particularly important for small TV and radio stations that could be gobbled up by Evangelical media in a heartbeat at a fire sale, accounting for about 15 percent of the public broadcasting industry's total revenue. "Soon they ain't gonna here nothin' Jesus Christ and his money fetish 24/7," yawped Regula.

No Shortage Of Stooges

Expressing alarm, public broadcasters and their supporters in Congress dressed up in Sesame Street costumes and did guerrilla theater outside PBS headquarters interpreting the move as an escalation of a Republican-led campaign against a perceived liberal bias toward education and reflection in their programming. That effort to destroy Public Broadcasting was initiated by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting's own chairman, Kenneth Y. Tomlinson in a sort of bizarro world, James Watt type appointment by the Cheney administration whose 'gesture' toward education was to get a chimp elected chief executive with his little balding organ grinder/handler always by his side.

"Americans overwhelmingly see public broadcasting as an unbiased information source," Rep. David Obey (Wis.), the ranking Democrat on the subcommittee, mistakenly said in a statement. "Perhaps that's what the GOP finds so offensive about it. Republican leaders are trying to bring every facet of the federal government under their control. . . . Now they are trying to put their ideological stamp on public broadcasting."

Tomlinson said Obey's interpretation was wrong. "What we are trying to do should be so innocent. We don't want people to know shit unless we give the OK. Sure, that's part of it. But with what they think they know, we want them to give up their livelihoods and their lives for a small kleptocracy, and hound and hang those of their fellow citizens who hold out. If we can't make Knuckledraggers for Jesus, we're gonna kill them. Be forewarned. We want the PBS affiliate hardware to spread Christian ignorance and to make sure people are in line."

In this effort, the Republican chairman of the House Appropriations subcommittee on labor, health and human services, and education lied that the panel was simply making choices among various worthy government programs, and that no political message was intended.

The subcommittee's action, which came on a voice vote, puts Big Bird's giblets on the Thanksgiving Table. But House members could restore funding as the appropriations bill moves along or, more likely, when the House and Senate meet to reconcile budget legislation later this year if 70% of the programming shifts to programming Jesus/Military Industrial Complex in nature. The Senate has traditionally been a stronger ally of public broadcasting than the House, whose former speaker, Noot Groinitch (R-Ga.), waged a high-profile but ultimately unsuccessful campaign to "zero out" non-Christian funding for the CPB a decade ago.

The cuts nevertheless surprised the Unitarians in public broadcasting who either have their heads up their asses or in the sand. In his budget sent to Congress in February, President Bush had recommended reducing CPB's budget only slightly because the congressional stooges were eager and willing to do the hatchet work.

Several denounced the decision by the panel, which has 10 Republicans and seven Democrats, as payback by a Republican-dominated House after years of complaints from conservatives who see smatterings of historical truth very occasionally carried by the Public Broadcasting Service and N[amby] P[amby] Radio. Broadcasters noted, for example, that the 25 percent cutback in next year's CPB budget was a rollback of money that Congress had promised in 2004. Somebody come back with a funny simile for "Congress" and "a promise" real quick now.

PBS, in particular, drew harsh criticism in December from the Cheney/Bush administration for a "Postcards From Busther" episode in which Busther, an animated abbot, "visited" two families in Vermont headed by lesbians.

Evangelical Churches Heavily Invested In Girl On Girl Porn

"Don't you know that girl on girl sex is an 18 billion dollar industry in the U.S. and that U.S. servicemen and women consume 6 billion of that figure and star in 40% of the product, 30% coming from Gitmo and Abu Graib alone. I mean. What the fuck is it going to do to the porn industry if our kids are taught that lesbian sex is normal. They won't buy the fuckin' tapes and my church's heavy investment in porn would go right down the toilet. Why can't PBS show Christian lesbian porn instead of feeding the brats all this lesbians as families nonsense? Say, Magdelene going down on Mary. Now that would be all right," panted Rags(R.-OH).

And programming on both PBS and NPR has come under fire in recent months from Tomlinson, the Republican chairman of the CPB, who, greater unbalanced has pushed the public airwaves to even more feel good doo wop pop specials and biographies of popular entertainers designed to conceal the most salient features of their personalities and delude the audience.

A spokeswoman for NPR, Andi Sporkin, directly blamed Tomlinson for yesterday's action, saying, "We've never been sure of Mr. Tomlinson's sanity or lack thereof but, with this news, we might be seeing his effect."

Tomlinson, a coward by reputation, did not return calls seeking comment. In a statement, he simply lied, "Obviously, we are concerned [by the cuts], and we will be joining with our colleagues in the public broadcasting community to make the case for a higher level of funding if the programming more reflects our religious and political views as the appropriations measure makes its way through the bowels of Congress."

John Lawson, the president of the Association of Public Television Stations, a Washington-based group that lobbies for public broadcasters, called the subcommittee's action "at least malicious wounding, if not outright attempted murder, of public broadcasting in America." He added, "This action could deprive tens of millions of American children of commercial-free educational programming."

"Which is precisely our intent," answered Rags Regula(R-Ohio). "How dare these little jigaboos think they's too good to enlist and die for the white man. I blame it on Hillary Clinton and public TV.

Regula (R-Ohio), the subcommittee's chairman, went on to say the cuts had everything to do with dissatisfaction over public radio and TV programs. "It's pretty simple," he said in an interview. "The thinking was, there's no money in this shit. Let's bust this shit and sell it off to the Bible thumpers. There are 'must-do,' 'need-to-do' and 'nice-to-do' programs that we have to pay for. [Public broadcasting] is somewhere between a 'need-to-do' and a 'nice-to-do.' Must-do means I'm gonna get a taste. Need to do is I'm likely to get a taste. Nice to do means there ain't shit in it for me. But the money the evangelical right offered me to overturn this wagon. OOOla-la, Jesus toasted on an Iron Cross bun."

The subcommittee had to decide, he said, on cutting money for public broadcasting or cutting money badly need to attack Iran "No one out there is gonna get" public broadcasting, Regula said. "So it's not punitive in any way. Next time you see Sesame Street, it'll be on Iranian TV as agitprop. Democratize those fuckin' ragheads, Ernie."

In fact, because they are all weasels, none of the Republican members of the subcommittee publicly denounced public radio or TV funding at yesterday's markup. Public broadcasting drew supportive statements from Obey and Rep. Nita Lowey (D-N.Y.).

Regula suggested public stations could "make do" without federal money by getting more funding from private sources, such as contributions from corporations, banks, other governments, the Miami drug mafia, the CIA black budget, money laundered through think tanks and foundations, churches and from viewers like those in Baghdad.

But the loss of $23.4 million in federal funds for children's educational shows -- which PBS calls its "Ready to Learn" programs -- could mean the elimination of these programs, said an official at Alexandria-based PBS who asked not to be named because she fears retribution. "Exactly the fuckin' way we set it up," commented Regula(R-Ohio). The network hopes to regain the funding. PBS's revenue totaled $333 million in fiscal year 2004. "Fat chance. I'm gonna pocket a chunk of it. The rest goes down the rabbit hole." Regula(R-Ohio) offered.

The Ready to Learn group includes "Sesame Street," "Dragontales," "Clifford" and "Arthur," among others.

The religious right's children's counter-programming once they assume control will include Gethsemane Street, Tithing 101, Fossil Fools: Respiratory Rapture At the Daytona 500, Smite The Rabbi, Advanced Tithing, Mary Magdelene: Trailer Park Chippie, Toby Keith: Angel With A Dirty Needle, and Burn In Hell, Little Boy! One Pedophile Marine's Cleansing War In Iraq.

The House measure also cuts the balls off smaller projects, such as a $39.6 million public TV satellite distribution network and a $39.4 million program that helps public stations update their analog TV signals to digital format.

Small public radio stations, particularly those in rural areas and those serving minority audiences, may be the most vulnerable to federal cuts because they currently operate on shoestring budgets. "And don't we know that," scowled Rags Regula(R-OH). "We'll replace that programming with the world's most histrionic knuckledraggers. Positively retrograde Lamarckian brutes that the camera loves.

"This could literally put us out of business," said Paul Stankavich, president and general manager of the Alaska Public Radio Network, an alliance of 26 stations in the state that create and share news programming. "Almost all of us are down to the bone right now. If we lost 5 or 10 percent of our budgets in one fell swoop, we could end up being just a repeater service" for national news, with no funds to produce local content. "Why that's just what we have in mind," said Rags (R-OH). But who is ever in a position to speak such truths publicly unless its those whack jobs at the Assassinated Press.

Stankavich, who also runs a public radio and TV station in Anchorage, said public radio is "an important source of news in urban areas, but it's life-critical in rural areas," especially in far-flung parts of Alaska unserved by any other broadcast medium. "Whatzamatta," barked Rags Regula. "Fuckers in Alaska don't like to hear after the fact that Pat Robertson says the blizzard was 'God's' punishment for sleeping with your sled dogs and not letting big oil come in and chew up your state like it was some little South American darkies ancestral land. Boo-Fuckin-Hoo."